This is a text message to "all" to update on a restructure of the HR Department, in alignment with our core values and in alignment with our new voice mail menu.
1) Ms Cyntha Axe will remain in charge of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, doubling as an anti-stress coach and filing clerk.
Her Nokia phone will be replaced by a Blackberry Z10.
Ms Axe will also liase with our "cooking course" vendor. Our cooking course solves all major organizational problems, relieving us of the need for OD.
Ms Axe will now be at level 2.52
2) Winston Wu will continue to be IT lead, reporting into me.
Wu is relieved of his role as HR's representative on the Diversity Team. Wu considers himself a Canadian, which is strange because his grandfather was born in Hong Kong, Shatin area.
Wu will report dotted line into our CEO Stan on Big Data, which is a disgrace, given how strategic HR is.
Wu's Galaxy will be replaced with a Blackberry Q10, against my better judgement.
Cynthia Axe will examine "load control issues" in Wu's overstaffed, spoiled and corrupt IT shop.
Wu is now my grovelling clerk but also parallel to me on Big Data Issues, ie, Level 1-1
What the hell is Big Data? A bunch of baloney, my father Pierre Eliiot Ramsbottom would say.
3) Procurement will now report into HR. Until now Procurement was my peer.
Ms Sarah Barracuda, Head of Procurement, will be relieved of her Blackberry Q10 and get Wu's old Galaxy.
Ms Barracuda will be relieved of her spacious office and sit in open space.
Ms Barracuda will ensure we remain OD vendor free.
Ms Barracuda will be do an on line webinar on "pain relieving for vendors who don't get paid enough", in line with our core values.
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