Why do employees bite the hand that feeds them- on social media?

Badmouthing

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to say that all dirty linen needs to be washed at home. I can only remember eight or nine times when Dad yelled at my mother to "shut the f-ck" up whilst we were in public. 

Steeped in the values of my family, I find it shocking that several of the nerds and geeks from Comrade Carl's Emerging Technology Group have taken to social media in order to make non wow comments about our firm. 

One particular web site called "Under the Sheets", which caters to "non-engaged big data nerds", really aggravated me when I read it. Here are a few tidbits, which is a posh word.

• Sanjay 1: The overly obedient and under sophisticated ladies of HR kowtow to management, reminiscent of regimes like North Korea, Albania and many African republics.
• Igor 2: Our management forces us all to speak English in con calls. Yet only a few Sales guys and the ladies of HR speak any English at all. Kibinimat. No one understands anything, and our product is a piece of shit. It makes me want to go home to the Ukraine.
• Igor 3: Our management is awful. If I did not see it, I would not believe it. The only people who stay around here are people whose passport is kept in safe keeping by the ladies of HR.
• Natasha 2: The ladies of HR in our company serve as politruks,   like the old guard in Russia!  The only difference is that the slogans are in English.
• Malka 5: We "verk" too hard, and the only time I get a good nap is when I watch HR Talent Management webinars, commissioned from cost effective vendors who do not speak good English.

CEO Stan read Under the Sheets as well and he texted me, "Gloria, we need a motivational speaker and an engagement plan. By noon. Stan"

Then Stan's wife (Wifey) called me and asked me what I plan to do "if and when" I leave the company. Wifey added, "Stan is very disappointed with you, Gloria."

Teaching our staff about Korean culture

When I arrived at work this morning, I happened to pass by the office of our CEO Stan and I heard some yelling and screaming.

Since I am Stan's HR business partner, my office is right next to his!  As I entered my room, I glued my ear to the wall, in line with my core value of "gathering big data".

CEO Stan told Comrade Carl Marks, head of Emerging Technologies, that that he had received a call from a Korean client's CEO who described our new product was a "piece of pure shit"; only 5 out of 40,888 features were operative. 

A very enraged Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, go to the customer site and solve the problem, and don't come back without a solution. Now get out of my office and get on a plane, Comrade Carl."

Comrade Carl came into my room, smiling as if he had just smoked a joint in our parking lot. `Gloria, I am sending 4 engineers to a customer site tonight. They need training about Korean culture, some added engineering skills in Internet of Things,communication skills, etiquette and a piece on managing customer expectations. They will leave to Seoul in 6 hours, so kindly have this training delivered to them in a webinar directly to their cellphone on the way to the airport. Spasiba``.

Comrade Carl has a sexual fetish for the Russian language and I have learnt that ``spasiba`` means thank you.

Immediately, I texted a training vendor in Lesotho, who had asked me for an ``opportunity to prove myself`` and I ordered the webinar. I charged the vendor $1000. 

I asked Hugh White (from Diversity) to do some `quality control` on the webinar, because the vendor is from Ebola stricken Africa.

Then I opened my Blackberry Passport and read the following text.

• To all our staff and management! We cannot be successful as long as HR does not understand the working class and promote their well being. Our product is a pearl yet our engineers are sent abroad to deal with every client whimper and whinge. HR does not advocate for the rights of engineers, kibinimat. We need a union. I am leading a 3 day strike. Starting now.

Comrade Carl

I texted the Lesotho vendor, and cancelled the webinar. 

Not of interest to our employees

Minor adjustments

This is a compensation-related text message sent to all managers today at 12.00 Boston/Ottawa time. However, there is no need to bring the details of this text to the attention of our employees, since the issues are minor and there is no need to distract anyone from achieving our wow stretch goals.

"As we all focus on achieving our stretch goals for Q1, please note:

1- The location of our new parking facilities have been adjusted to enable more axe-rcise.

2-Lunch menus have been adjusted to allow for all tribal tastes to be satisfied, and the new $2 a portion "Diversity Tax" is automatically deducted for all tribal meals, eaten or not. Bon apetit. (That's French)

3-Cynthia Axe announces a new Alumni Club for folks who have been downsized in her Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

The name of the Club is "Ancien élève: Jang Song-thaek" or The Uncle Jang Alumnus Club.

All employees and axed-employees to get a membership card at $4 a card, deducted from salary/pension fund.

Comrade Carl Marks protests about the new photos in our firm

New photo on Stan's wall, staring Comrade Carl Marks in the face.

CEO Stan heard that his daughter Carla had been impregnated (knocked up) by a certain Comrade Carl Marks, R&D Chief. Carla worked for  Comrade Carl this summer in Software Quality Insurance. However, it appeared that Comrade Carl and Carla were into "hardware", more than software.

Suddenly, new pictures were hanging on the wall of our firm. HR was almost not involved.

The above picture above was "introduced" to CEO Stan's room on the weekend; Wifey came in and hung it up. When Comrade Carl Marks sits "chez Stan", it is staring him in the face. Chez is a French word.  

The picture shows Kim Jon-Un's Uncle being escorted out, have been downsized by a North Korean version of Ms Cynthia Axe (my down sizer).

I guess Wifey may have wanted to give Stan and Comrade Carl a message.




Then Stan also "ordered me" to hang this second picture in the very office of  R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks. 

Comrade Carl called me into his office and yelled: "Gloria, yopt tvoy mat, who hung this in my office. What are they trying to tell me-kibinimat?"

I thought to myself. "Ostie, when Carl swears at me in Russian, I really get upset. It is against our English only policy."