HR's mission critical function can be replaced with a voice enabled help desk service

I need some HR creativity

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, has had a stormy relationship with HR. Carl seems to feel that HR's mission critical function can be replaced with a voice enabled help desk service.

Strangely, Comrade Carl sees HR as the "guardian of the status quo!"  To be frank and earnest, Comrade Carl strikes me as a weirdo. He was born and bred in the USA; indeed he got his PhD at some unknown Russian polytechnic university, yet he thinks, behaves and drinks like a Russian; he also swears like a Russian! 

Yet today our relationship underwent a change.

Comrade Carl meandered into my office (after having smoked a joint in the parking lot) with a huge smile on his face. "Hi Glo, you look better than ever today! Pizdets, we have an issue-let's talk, sweety".

Comrade Carl told me that 2 weeks before the new product release, 5 engineers, Igor, Igor, Svetlana, Svetlana and Svetlana all have asked for a raise, immediately. Since "sufficient documentation" of the product is not available, WE need to think twice before we say no. After all, WE do not want this failure on OUR shoulders, do we, Gloria?"

Then Comrade Carl said a few words to me in French. Comrade Carl speaks very good French, and he even swore using a few choice Quebec expressions, which I shan't repeat because readers won't know what this is all about. He went on-

"So Gloria, in the spirit of transparency and cooperation, I wanted to tell you that CEO Stan has oked a 30 K ``stay bonus`` for all five employees and he has asked me to make sure that WE stay within the budget for total cost of headcount. Please handle this`professionally, and update Stan before you go home. By the way, Glo, you are a great business partner.`

A mid size portion of employee engagement, (well done)

                                                                            Downloaded to Axe (Cynthia)

CEO Stan was informed by our key client that our employees providing technical support "appear not to be engaged". Stan updated me by text; Stan views the lack of engagement as big data, (hugh f--king data, Gloria, were his exact words.)

Here is some background. Last month, as part of aligning our cost structure with 2019 growth, pizzas were eliminated for the technical support group, the location of their parking lot "aligned" with better physical fitness, and their "talent management" was reshaped to focus on auto-didactic methods.

I asked Stan whether or not he wanted HR to "engage" the employees in technical support. Stan replied: "I support a mid size portion of employee engagement, well done, Ms Gloria; there is no one better than you to engage staff in a cost-effective manner. I suggest some intrinsic motivation as well. Does HR have an intrinsic motivation package on hand? Make it happen, Gloria. And move quickly. The customer is all over me."

I left Stan's office determined to be creative. Strangely, I found this difficult. My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me "Glo, mon petit chou, not everyone can be creative. You have the ambition of 5 people."

But then I remembered the engagement monkey.

Trusted or busted

I wish Wifey would read gossip

I received 3 texts messages from our CEO's (Stan) hyperactive and "bossy" wife today, aka Wifey. (My Dad, Pierre Elliot,  constantly used to tell me "don't be bossy, Gloria")

The first text message was: "Gloria, there is no asset more valuable to HR than the trust of the staff. Do you know that? Wifey". 

Wifey had just read a magazine article titled "Trusted or Busted" at her hairdresser. 

One hour later, I received yet another text from an over zealous Wifey, "Why is Ms Cynthia Axe so untrustworthy? Are you providing her with appropriate mentoring? Wifey"

Finally I received a third text. "Gloria, gaining the trust of the staff is more important than gaining Stanley's trust. I am coming over for coffee at 1500 to chat. Wifey"

In preparation for this fireside chat, I did a focus-group-by-text survey to see how much trust HR really enjoys.

The results were non-wow and I have already taken corrective action. Here are the highlights:

1) Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement Recruiter)  is the least trusted employee in HR. 

Thus, I have rehired her Reputation Coach, who is both a positive thinker, and works on a barter arrangement.

2) Hugh White from Diversity pries people to open up about their sex lives; no one trusts him, especially since he hired a Scot for the switchboard!

Therefore, I have refocused Hugh on ensuring that  staff speak proper American English, especially the Russians, Scots, Israelis and Punjabi staff.(It is very easy to understand American English).

3) Not one single soul trusts me. Except of course for my business partner, CEO Stan. I live or die due to my business partnership with Stan our great leader. Therefore, I live.

Trust is a critical success factor for me, but not a major one, or even a minor one. I want to keep my place at the management table. 

My corrective action will be "to reshape" expectations of the staff from me, leveraging  the fear of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe.

British blockchains are part of our morning buffet

Our core values: weekly update

Here are the weekly update of our scared core values:

• Work work work work life balance
• Wear T shirt that says  "I love  British Blockchains"
• Deference to CEO 
• People (on Wednesdays)
• Diversity and good English 
• Being brief, positive & sophisticated, like a tweet.
• Leverage big data to satisfy Stan's fetish
• Admiration for HR business partnership, including voting for HR as the most valued department in our annual survey.
• Being perky

Please ensure these eternal, weekly values are sprinkled in your speech.

Hang them in your cubicle.

Use them as  your screen saver.
And most of all, say "in line with our core values"!

I will send them out as a text message as well, backed up by a Whatsapp, BBM, Viber and email.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom