Why leaders must stop serving warm Cool Aid in the era of Internet of Things

Blowing smoke up our ass?

VP of  Internet of Things, Comrade Carl Marks, started off the week like a "bull in a China shop" in our management meeting, as my late Dad Pierre Elliot used to say. First, a bit of background.

We have a new product which Comrade Carl claims "is a pearl", yet our clients believe that "the product is a piece of shit", as it were.

Comrade Carl had claimed at first that the product is stable and the only issue is a "service issue" as well as the lack of client sophistication. Comrade Carl has had to change his "tune".

Under pressure to find a solution, Comrade Carl spelt out the strategy of "sinking some of our products' liabilities into the platform of Internet of Things, so as to move on to newer and greater things". No one really understood what Comrade Carl meant except me; as HR manager, I adopt slogans quickly.

(My coach, who pumps gas, told me that Comrade Carl needs new strong medication.)

Today, at the management meeting, CEO Stan attacked Comrade Carl, Stan claimed "we do not have time to wait for your cock-and-bull vision to mature, Comrade  Carl. We have numbers to meet, for Christ's sake. This is not a publicly owned Russian utility - we need profit, not vision. You are "blowing smoke up our ass, Comrade Carl. Why don't you emigrate to Russia, or Ukraine?"

Comrade Carl winked at me. Then Carl spoke  "Stan, just look how quickly Gloria aligned the ladies of HR department to whistle and sloganize about the Internet of Things. It's easy Stan. Just go the Board and ask for more time and money to support the new vision. Don't be frightened Stan-lead. No one drinks the old kool-aide any more. Lead Stan! Gloria should be your role model! "

HR is a role model for early adaptation

I date Internet of Things Men, sunshine. Not big data " boys"

Wise and virile

The very unstable semi-virile and apparently wise head of R&D, Comrade Carl Marks, recently suggested that "we" focus efforts on embedding our non-wow product in the Internet of Things so that product stability issues are "mitigated".

That statement sounded to me like Erdogan's statement that the Turks founded America, yet nevertheless our CEO endorsed Comrade Carl's line, and I "signed up" shortly thereafter.

Needless to say, I convened a meeting of our HR team and immediately aligned HR's mission, structure and values with the new and wow wow wow direction.

Mission: 
"Deeply steeped in tradition of Internet of Things, HR will drive to implement Internet of Things in the spirit of humanism, thrift and HR business partnership, whatever that means".

Structure: 
Due to the strategic nature of Internet of Things, HR VP Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux's title will be hereon in:
VP HR and Project Czar for HR-Internet of Things Support.

Hugh White from Diversity will recruit people with liabilities, people of colour and different sexual morality to the 
switchboard, Finance, & Supply Chain.

Ms Axe (Cynthia) from Early Bird Retirement will keep her paws OFF the Internet of Things.

Values:
HR values Internet of Things more than gossip, big data and juicy pictures of staff gone astray.

Personal:
I shall date men from internet of things, sunshine. I shan't date big data boys.

Aligning HR with Internet of Things

Key note speaker: The Future of HR Business Partnership

My keynote address

Dear readers,

Last week I told you about our new and spiffy cost effective Leadership Academy, where all the lectures are given by our staff.

This week, I gave a the key note lecture of The future of HR business partnership.

Attendance was full. I had mentioned to Cynthia Axe that if I see one empty seat in the auditorium, it may influence her compensation road map, as it were.

When my lecture started, I was in a semi wow mood. I had just finished a call with my mother who is losing her memory. Mama asked my the same question 5 times. "Gloria, have you read Anna Caltabiano's new book The Seventh Miss Hatfield?" Then Mama added, "Gloria you should read more and text me less. Please stop using Whatsapp; just pick your phone and call me like you used to call Papa". She said that 7 times. Anyway, let's put that aside.

In the first row sat Ms Cynthia Axe and Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs Diversity). My staff applauded me like I was Kim Jong-un (one), and I did not even encourage them to do so.

In row two sat Comrade Carl Marks who leads R&D and Juliette Caesar, the b-tch whom CEO Stan hired to run Sales. 

Stan introduced me as: "our lovely and energetic HR manager Gloria, who we all know and love will give a talk today." Then Stan sat down, and perhaps closed his eyes.

I had 3 talking points, in line with my key value of brevity.

1) HR's business acumen brings to the table transactional excellence. Don't make one move without an HR business partner. (I said that in a British accent).

Wow! Did that ever go over well! Even Stan opened his eyes.

2) While not erotic in nature, HR loves people. This is the essence of the world of HR reputation management.

3) There is no HR without big data, rumours, gossip and AI. This is the new frontier. And then I read a slide with a lot of technical terms from the internet of things domain , and all the engineers were aghast, although none of them really speak English.

During the lecture, an engineer named Helmut from Germany looked at my legs, as it were. However Hugh White informed me that Helmut is gay, as it were. I love the term, "as it were".

At the the end of the lecture, Juliette Caesar raised her dainty hand and thanked me for a "wonderful informative lecture". She wore a smirk on her disingenuous face. (nice word)

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, raised his hand and said, "Yob tvoyy mat, Gloria. Why don't you fire all your staff and give all HR to IT and Legal? Get aligned with the future, kibinimat". 

Anti HR

CEO Stan issues strategic guidelines for HR

Gloria,

Implement these strategic guidelines next week, in line with our core values of doing what you are told.

1-Non strategic cost cutting needs to expanded to lessen the burn rate. Reduce fat where ever you see, and wallpaper the pain with all your fancy HR slogans.

2-Some of our big data engineers are calling the product "dog food". Root that out, in line with our core values of rooting things out.

3- Cynthia Axe via her Early Bird Retirement Plan or whatever you call it, must "trim" 50 heads a week, whilst Strategic Procurement should drive half of our vendors into receivership, or abject poverty.

4-No cuts whatsoever in big data, internet of things, cloud based activities. 

5-Massive use of  IMT-"Intrinsic Motivation Tools", to be developed by HR SVP Gloria Ramsbottom. Do not delegate this task Gloria.

7-Staff engagement must rise by 34%. You own that, Ramsbottom.

7-Internal Head of Communications to be hired to ensure positive messages reach our staff. Last week, I met a lady whom I will send to you for an interview. See if she compatible and then hire her.

8- Trim the number of core values we have from 5 to 3.

Stan

At the helm

2016 strategy must be based on bigdata

                                                                                                     Leading the way!

Today's 2016 strategic session was semi wow, and if I am frank as well as earnest, it was non wow.

CEO Stan had always shunned from strategy, like the US president. This is where the similarity ends, claims Diversity Chief Hugh White, who pointed out to me that Stan is white as a lily and not a good public speaker.

But Wifey had attended a lecture for the wives of CEO's and the lecturer, who loves to send 10000 motivational tweets a day, claimed that "one of the key roles of a CEO's wife is to ensure that hubby stays focused on his strategy". Thus, Stan is focusing on strategy.

By the way, none of the men I ever dated cared too much about strategic issues. They always appear focused on "something" else. (Dad warned me about that).

Stan asked all of us to present our strategies.

Comrade Carl Marks from R&D has strategic plans for new and esoteric features which are "cloud based" and "leverage big data". Stan countered, "Comrade Carl how about a strategy to get your fucking product to work"?

VP of Sales, said her strategy was to find new users "who have not heard about our product". Northern Syria, Iraq and tunnels under Gaza appear to be good markets. VP Sales said to Comrade Carl, "You better get that product working, Weirdo". 

Then it was my turn. My strategy includes cheaper labour costs, smashing potential union activity, ensuring that high performers do not get overpaid, improving my texting skills and upgrading my Honda Insight within one year to a Toyota Prius. Of course, I always focus, every single Thursday, on making us into a people company.

Stan said that big data, Comrade Carl's eccentricities, Sales' pessimism and my "excessive practicality" have driven him to take a key strategic decision:  "Gloria, we need a mission statement, and hire me a spokesman, for internal communications"