Phenomenal HR Premium Service now Offered to most of our Employees (behind a paywall)

A votre service!

Our CEO Stan just returned from a 5 day trip to the "Orient". His wife Wifey accompanied him to keep an eye on him because she claims Stan has had "yellow fever" in the past.

Stan and Wifey flew first class, in semi wow alignment to our core value of Humility. Both Stan and Wifey loved the Premium Service offered to them by Singapore Airlines. 

Wifey told Stan" "If Gloria were to offer Premium HR service to your employees, you would not all be up shit's creek like you are now, Stanley". So Stan texted me-"Offer Premium HR Service, but don't forget you are a profit centre, Ramsbottom-Stan".

Here's the premium package I developed 5 minutes after getting CEO Stan's text-

 1) Cost of premium membership is $40 a year, plus $5 each "usage unit". To be collected by a paywall, enabled by a English blockchain.

2) Phone calls to our Premium Call Centre will be answered within 2 days, excluding weekends and Wednesdays. Our operators will have an American accent, or at least you will be able to understand them.

3) You probably will not be downsized by text message for the first 3 months as a premium HR user.. (limited availability of this feature)

4) Hugh White (Diversity) will protect you even if you are normal or white. 

5) You get one hour a year "premium coaching" from Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.

6) You get insurance for axe-idents which occur for texting whilst driving on work related issues.

7) You get a small flag for your cubicle with my photo, autographed: "With lust, Your business partner, Glo"

8) I hug you for an additional $25 usage, payable to me. This is behind a cold Canadian paywall.

9) You get to eat Stan's chef's cost effective lasagna once a year. The name of Stan's chef is K Ray Beauregard Goldstein. He has mixed ethnicity.

10) Your name is entered in our Internet of Things data base after you have received your 6th covid vaccination-please note that we are injecting the Russian vaccine except for C level executives.

11 You need not use Teams any more.

12) You will allowed to work from home for one hour per month,

13) You are entitles to one hour per quarter of an ant--stress massage offered online by a second class (triple A) provider in Siberia or Kiev, or both.

Internet of Everything causes unwanted pregnancies.

Service which is untamed lust

The pressure brought to bear by our CEO to improve the level of customer satisfaction for our yet-to-be-released internet of everything product is bearing fruits, claimed a local TV show last night.

In last night's feature, the  Technology Affairs reporter labelled our love of clients as "Untamed Lust".

The reporter said: "Internet of everything may be an emerging technology that does not work, but their customer service is great.The average waiting time for a service call is one hour, but their clients wait quietly in line. The mission of their call centre is No Quickies."

(I deny any carnal relationship with this reporter as of late.) 

I was so pleased when I watch the program that  I stopped texting when I watched the TV report. I underwent 5 minutes of digital detox.

5 of our customer service agents have had semi wowish "unwanted" pregnancies since our "Lust for the Customer" campaign started. This is big data.

R&D chief Comrade and IoE evangelist Comrade Carl Marks and  calls these pregnancies "collateral damage".  Carl added that "when dealing with internet of things, one or two girls being knocked up means little, statistically".

Merely collateral damage-Comrade Carl Marks

We lust for our people

The ladies of HR-a votre service

Our company is on  a regime something like the Oz diet, ie, the organizational version of such a diet. (Dr Oz is an American doctor; my mother keeps asking me "why don't you find yourself a doctor like him)"?

The diet is under the auspices/supervision of the HR department; our company is trimmed and slimmed, in line with our core values, to become agile, lean, mean and sustainable. We are also a people company. We care. We lust about our people like we lust for our clients.

As we diet, we never neglect our greatest asset, our people. 

We manage the polarity via Performance Evaluation, the greatest tool since data mining.

As of tomorrow, we are starting the end-of-year performance evaluation, to enhance the importance of people.

Since we are growing negatively, people always raise "concerns" that our compensation and bonus plan is "not aligned" with positive feedback they receive in PE. 

"For god's sake, the average Joe is a dammed foolish", my late father Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom would say. "You aren't get a pay hike in a bad market", Dad would say.

Here are the guidelines for Performance Evaluation Process in our shrinking company.

1) Performance Evaluation is to be called Global Performance Evaluation.

2) Any word starting with B (bonus)  or C (compensation) is not to be used during the PE process.

3) Rankings are to be low; feedback is to be negative, in a positive sense.

4)  The evaluating manager must make massive use of words like "talent management", career path, and אופק.

5) Ms Cynthia Axe's picture should be on the wall of each of the evaluators. Ms Axe heads of Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Program.

Work work work life balance-service pack upgrade

Putting the work back into work life balance

CEO Stan  supports work work work life balance, in line with our core value of manipulation.

In this spirit, Stan has working lunches at his resilient, agile and sustainable mahogany desk, stuffing his fat face with his private chef K Ray Beauregard's cost effective lasagna.

The HR department (in the spirit of business partnership) use our lunchtimes to put the work back into work life balance. We ladies of HR all watch cost effective webinars on creative ways to reengage our employees and re-size, whilst keeping morale high. Hugh White (from Diversity) joins us. Hugh is male, white and straight.

CEO Stan DOES understands the need to eat! So whilst eating, here is how we attain an a work work work life balance.

• Lunches are now called sustainable and global working-lunches.
• Please feel free to eat whilst sending work related sms-text related messages and emails.
• One may eat at the work station  and eat in the elevator.
• Our dining room will be undergoing ax-tensive renovations with a vendor yet to be chosen and never to be paid.
• Please avoid dropping crumbs on  your keyboard.
• Please avoid spilling coffee on your company owned Blackberry and less sophisticated devices.
• Idle chatter and socializing are encouraged on weekends.
• Each employee is encouraged to watch a wow wow HR webinar once a week, whilst having a working lunch.
• VIRTUAL PARENTING is forbidden during working lunches.

Talent Management Program Updated, in line with our core values

An ever-critical and irritated Wifey told our CEO Stan, "Stanley, no one will buy your poorly performing company until you manage the talent better; you need a Talent Management Program "service pack fix. Have Gloria handle this for you".

So before I went home for the weekend, I put together a fix for Stan, based on our core values of "keeping Wifey at bay".

Talent Management service pack

1) We will hang a sign in each cubicle, "Let's beef up our skills, to easy Wifey's shrills".

2) If we get "some more" revenue, we may build bench strength. We are looking for a carpenter. In the meantime, we will do a needs assessment. I LOVE the term "needs assessment".

3) Our Talent Management Program will be re-branded S.T.M, Sustainable Talent Management. 

4) We will commission a webinar from a diversity expert on Managing Diverse Talent. 
Since our engineers are so "limited", the diversity category we will focus on is talented English speaking Engineers. 

5) People processes will be integrated into our business practices. Does anyone know what this means?

6) Performance evaluation will be enhanced based on intrinsic motivation and flex-goals, retroactively set. Wow! Them is fighting words.

Customer service to be intimate until our product works

Following the clash between our Chairman, Comrade Carl Marks-VP R&D, and our hapless CEO Stan over the level of customer service, I am "rolling out" a webinar on Customer Intimacy as well as new voice menu for Customer Service.

The webinar focuses on developing a robust and near lusty relationship with clients, using suggestive languages and calling the clients "guests".

Private rooms (day use) may be available for yet-to-be-hired customer service reps (to be hired in North Korea and Bolivia) after some resilient and agile English language training.

Our service voice menu has been changed until our product becomes stable.

• Hi Sweety, for information about our next software version release, and some relaxation techniques,  press one
• Hi baby, for information about the  lack of documentation and a massage, press two
• Hi honey, for information about our nebulous product road map and the time of your life, press three.

To speak to a  wow wow wow service attendant, please enter your license number, your social security number and the last three number of your credit card, and we will get back to you "in alignment with our core values".We love you. We lust for you. You turn us on big time!

Untamed lust, as it were

לחברת סלקום -תודה עבור ההשראה

Our love of our customers is almost erotic

Love, eroticism and customer intimacy

The Chairman of the Board had been awakened from his slumber from a irate customer, who told him that "your company's commitment stink of deception ".

The chairman threw a fit of rage. He summoned CEO Stan and Carl Marks to a meeting.

The Chairman of the Board then whipped Stan's fat ass as well as the rear end of the erratic VP R&D, Comrade Carl Marks. "Come up with a plan to fix your customer issues, or your done", bellowed the Chairman.

(*Stan over-eats since his personal chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein,  has started cooking cost effective lasagna ).

Later in the day, Comrade Carl (Marks) issued a mission critical email to all engineering staff, cc'ing the Chairman:

"Our company loves its customers; our love is almost erotic", wrote Carl Marks to the useless bums in R&D who cannot crank out a product to save their lives. The email continued: "Our love of our clients is deep, wide, sustainable, erotic and global".

Later in the day, I received an email:

     To: Gloria-HR

     From: Carl Marks

     To: Stan, CEO

     To: Chairman of the Board

     CC: Axe Cynthia

     CC: Hugh White-Diversity

    Darling Gloria,

          We need some training on customer intimacy. Use a              French blockchain to ensure quality and compliance.

     Carl

Our commitment to the community-for heaven sake

My father would have said: This is BS
His name was Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom

Wifey told CEO Stan to solidify our commitment to the community. Wifey loves the word community, although she voted Republican.

So we are "staffing" our Semi-Voluntary Early Bird Retirement Plan in a wow wow wow pace (3 wows) of 12 people an hour, which frees them for volunteer work, but Stan texted me "That is not enough Gloria....Wifey is all over me. It needs to be real. Move your behind Gloria, now".

Diversity Chieftain Hugh White (a Caucasian) wants  to "liaise" with the "more diverse members" of the community. Hugh does not realize that we have more diversity in R&D than in the community at large; for heaven sake, no one in R&D speaks English or has a normal sounding global first name, like Chuck, Pauline, Ed, Stephanie, Maggy or אלון.

I need to think this over, but I have no time to think, since I am so busy texting (since I also own "corporate communications").

I will semd this sms/text to Cynthia Axe, cc'ing Hugh White

To: Axe (Cynthia)@downsizing-early-bird/involuntary
CC: Hugh.White@Caucasian.com

"Strengthen our link to community within a week. Please provide with with measurement tools so I can measure daily."
Gloria
Sent from by Blackberry Q 10

Types of Data defined

The ladies of HR to generate mid size data

Revenue is falling off, the banks are applying pressure and R&D Chief Carl Marks has noted "some minor progress" in the prioritization the 343,912 bugs in our new product.

This means that Cynthia Axe will get new and improved quotas for her Early Bird Retirement Plan, which is not all the voluntary.

Axe is enjoying a period of organizational recognition; she recently uncovered a huge scandal  (of a sexual nature) and received a Blackberry Passport, against my better judgement. 

Wifey has become very critical of Stan (her husband) as of late. To be more direct, Wifey claims that Stan has an end-of-career crisis, and runs after young ladies.

Wifey is also convinced that Stan lacks data to run the company, and therefore flirts too much. In addition,
Wifey realizes that HR (in their capacity as business partner) are the only people who can help her hapless husband run the company. 
In the capacity, Wifey asked me to provide Stan with "data to manage the company".

Cynthia (Axe), Hugh (White) and I sat down and operationalized this into a plan:

1) Axe will provide data on people she has fired. This is big data.
2) Hugh will provide data on how many non Caucasians in our company speak foreign tongues. This is trite and meaningless data, unless you  are into diversity and tree hugging.
3) I will provide data on the number of texts/sms I send a day with "mission critical data". This is massive data.

Sexual Harassment suit filed against Cynthia Axe: Stan Panics

Two days ago, Cynthia Axe started charging an annual paltry sum to members of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, based on use of global and sustainable big data.

Notice the words : global, sustainable and big data in one sentence!

The  $14  a year charge appeared to  be reasonable to a trigger happy Cynthia Axe. She was "almost right" and her decision was non wowish. The big data she used was not big enough.

Ms Cynthia Axe was sued for s-axe-ual harassment in a group action suit  filed by the 44,098 men she has "trimmed" in the last decade. The legal firm of Wood, Parker, Pines and Hart filed the suit citing use of an axe as a sexual symbol of control, and claim their party suffered damages to the sum of 560,000 USD.
ניתן לקנות דירה לכל ילד,בלב תל אביב

Wifey read news flash that "Immature Products served in S-axe-ual Harassment Suit and texted me:
"Glo-control this; I am on the way! Wifey

Using the Corona Virus to make HR a Profit Centre

Axe (right) blackmails me.

The vibrant Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement plan, watched a 90 second seminal webinar on the use of Big Data to increase revenues in time of crisis.
I texted her as the webinar ended: "Axe, how was the webinar?".  "Big", she texted/smsed me back.

After the webinar, in an email to CEO Stan and me, Cynthia Axe listed  the articles that employees do not return after they have joined her involuntary Early Bird Retirement Program, basing her claims on big data:

  1-their business cards, which can be re-cycled

  2-the knowledge they have accumulated from the business partnership with HR, including zenga zenga

  3-the business acumen from being axe-posed to CEO Stan. I love the word acumen.

  4-the reputation they have accrued

 5-the global horizon they have gained from our global policies.

Axe took this big data to our lawyers, McNab, Larson, Lombardi, Papadopolis, Singh and Goldberg, who proposed a solution, which I modified: 

• Nerds  dismissed due  to the Corona virus will all return their equipment is plastic bags, available for a $2 a pop charge at our company canteen.


• Heretofore, upon joining our Early Bird Retirement Program, a lifetime membership fee of $14 will be be deducted from severance fees. This will reimburse our company for the loss of the 5 aforementioned items. The $14 fee was MY idea.

Following this proposal, the uppity Ms Axe has asked me for new Samsung S10,  and justified  this as "revenue sharing for all intensive purposes". 

How to break into HR and start a wow career

Almost never be non discrete

I gave a lecture "How to Break into HR and start a wow career" this very morning to a Community College. The audience was a secretarial course, interspersed  with a few people from  a Purchasing and Supply Chain course. 

This was the ideal milieu to lecture to. Milieu is a French word.I delivered the lecture by Skype, as I was driving into work. (I was texting at the same time, on 2 phones!)

Here were the main points of what I said. They are like 10 commandments, although I do not frequent houses of worship.

1. Love of people is almost absolutely critical, and pleasing your boss is even more critical, without an `almost``.  If your boss views  people as spare parts, then he needs to watch a webinar on soft skills.
2. Texting is the essence communication. Texting (sending sms) is a mission critical skill for an HR manager. 400 words a minute on a Blackberry Priv is industry standard. 
3. COPensation and travel policy can be relegated to Finance because no one is ever happy and people need to love HR.
4. Big Data, if you ever understand what it is, may, or may not, be important. I think big data is erotic.
5. Designing Voice Menus for HR services is more important than texting.
6. Practice sitting down at a mahogany table, elegantly but with assertiveness. Sit like a ``lady``.
7. Hire someone like Cynthia Axe and pay her well, that your days may be long upon the Earth.
8. Don't use buzzwords; use words with impact like ``paperless``, ``stretch goals``, "leverage", "global", "internet-of-things", "sustainable" all the time.
9. Be discrete.
10. When you hear rumors, text them to your boss, although you must remain discrete.

Good news

Almost nothing to worry about

Very few people have anything to worry about!
There will be almost no pay cuts at the end of this quarter.

We may have sales wow prospects in Nanavut, Chad, Zimbabwe and with the US government.

Carl Marks, VP R&D, has stated that the product will be robust once it is defined, and the definition process is at a definitive state. These are defining times.

Stan has instructed me to update our values (with a service pack), and prepare the company for growth in 2018, whilst taking steps to drastically up our stock value in the short run, in line with our key values.

Sounds global and sustainable to me!

Wowishly,
Gloria

Getting more wood behind the engagement arrow

The engagement arrow

I must be honest: Cynthia  Axe has been a non performer. Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan, also known as the Load Shedding/Morale Boosting Unit.

Axe recruits/sheds 40 engineers monthly, recruiting them to our "Early Bird Alumnus Club" and the level of satisfaction from her performance non non non wow. (3 nons). Staff mistrusts her whilst management believes she is too slack.

In 2015, the goal of Ms Axe will be "to get more wood behind the engagement arrow". Meaning, I want all our downsized staff to remain engaged and become good will ambassadors.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would have told me "you are crazier than a $2 bill Gloria. Once you fire an employee, they don't give a shit about you anymore".

Dad was old fashioned. He did not have Internet of Things at his disposal.

The engagement arrow

In line with our core values, and almost in line with our core values

Nos valeurs: mises a jour 

Everything that we do in our company is in line with our core values. For example-

• Our company is cash strapped and Comrade Carl Mark's Internet of Things department is "struggling"; HR needs to fire/liberate 40 people a week for the next month. This having been said, our hard working CEO Stan has a private chef named K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein who cooks CEO Stan cost effective lasagna, which is "in line with our core value of thrift."
• Some of our minorities are well treated by the Diversity Chief, a white heterosexual named Hugh White. This is "in line with our core value of avoiding litigation ".
• We are pursuing internet of things, which is in line with our core values of "cutting edge".
• Our switchboard operator has a Scottish (Glasgow) accent, which is non sustainable, but very global. This is almost in line with our core values of "functional diversity".

HR generally adds "in line with our core values" in many sentences. This is "in line with our core value" of repetitive inculcation. 

When anything unpopular needs to be said or done, we ladies of HR say "almost in line with our wow core values." Such as, "learn English or be fired, almost in line with our core values".

Our  core values are  updated weekly, and posted in elevators, on screen savers and on our knowledge management portal. (The KM portal will allow us to fire more employees, "almost in line with our key values".)

HR gets bad press. It's unfair.

Cynthia's lack of discretion

In order to enable a certain hot-headed and trigger happy Cynthia Axe to meet her 40 heads a week downsizing quota, we enabled use of Skype group "resizing" conference calls.

The local press carried a hateful, spiteful and non wow headline:
Worst Management Practice of the Month: In our home  town!
Pires pratiques de gestion-Chez Nous!

The article itself mention Ms Axe by name and in passing, mentioned CEO Stan. 
My name was not mentioned, in line with the fact that a former "acquaintance" of mine works as an editor.

Stan texted me a very non wow message, and I issued this text to all, at the speed of 400 words a minute, after tax:

• Ms Cynthia Axe has shown a certain lack of discretion, stemming from her uncouth zeal. Her boss will look into this matter.
• CEO Stan disapproves of the use Skype to fire people, "in most cases".
• When Skype will be use to axe people "heretofore", a medical team will be "put in place, in line with our core values."
• Huge White, Head of Diversity,  will ensure that minorities get axe-ceptional treatment.

Friends in the right places

A clubhouse for ex (axe) employees

Early Bird Retirement Clubhouse

CEO Stan's wife read an innovative, creative and wow article about maintaining contact with  former employees, IE, members of Cynthia Aqs's Early Bird Retirement Plan.

Aqs was born "Axe." Yet her reputation coach advised she change name to boost her sagging popularity.

We have had but 45,000 people who have been released from our company in the last 12 years, and the task of keeping in contact with them has been given to me Senior VP of HR and Chief People Officer. I opened a community centre, pictured above.

I had delegated the everyday management task of the community centre to Sarah Barracuda, Head of Human Resource Inventory Management. Yet Sarah herself joined Early Bird Retirement in our last resizing.

Hugh White (our Diversity Chief, who is white and straight) will take over this task. 
Hugh will  also ensure that all written material about the Early Bird Community Centre, pictured above, is translated into "foreign" languages.

Hugh will also ensure that tribal food served is "in line with our core values based on  big data". I use those terms a lot, and I am not all that sure what they mean.

Foreign languages

Use of Skype to Fire Staff

Axe follows directions

Our CEO Stan rarely uses the word "fire". He sees this word as "negative, unsustainable, and non wowish in terms of stock price".

Ms Cynthia Aqs (nee Axe) , Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, is in charge of "Human Inventory Management", which ensures alignment of tasks, resources and "bench strength". 
Stan views "bench strength" as relevant only in the world of sport.

Given the axe-pected results of Q4, Ms Aqs must ensure she meets of the goal of recruiting 50 (fifty) new members to the Early Bird Retirement Plan (aka #loadshredding) , from all colours, creeds and religious persuasions, as per the guideline of our straight, white Head of Diversity, Hugh White.

Since Aqs (nee Axe) has 2 days to fulfill this goal, I have oked the use of group calls on Skype to execute this grisly task, despite the warnings of the idiot OD consultant who writes this blog.

Here are the instructions and coaching that I gave to Ms Aqs, nee Axe on the use of Skype:

1. Go to toolbar
2. Go to call
3. Go to group video
4. Go to contacts, add members
5. Shoot
6. Back up with text/sms message
7. Have a nice day
8. Nee is French

Wifey reads a new book

Wifey just picked up an OD book called Change for the Better: The Leader's Guide for Change.

This book was written by a certain Terrence Seamon. His has an H between Terrence and Seamon, which I will pass over. (Passover is a Jewish holiday).

Wifey texted Stan, her husband and our CEO: "Stanley, read this global book by tonight and have a certain Carl Marks from R&D read it also-and have Gloria summarize it and text the precis to all. Due date 1800 today-Wifey". Precis is  French word.

Luckily, I had  read this book. Axe is preparing a summary based on the text I sent her.

I stumbled upon this Seamon chap when I was looking for a job and I read his global book "The Job Seekers Guide to Success". Chap is a work that Brits use.

I read 2 books a year. That is plenty for an HR manager. 
The rest of my reading material is text messages (sms), whatsupp, viber, and MMS's. I send 30,000 texts a day. 

Now Terrence Seamon does not recommend managing by text message, but I plan to write to him about this "delivery mechanism" of change.

مرحبا بكم في إسرائيل

Now here is a little secret just for the global and sustainable  readers of this blog.
Someone has been following me around, and has been seen drawing pictures of me. Yesterday, someone actually produced 5 sketches of me.

Now because this blog is all about HR and business partnership, I would never consider sharing wow wow wow (3 wows) sketches with you. However, my wow speed coach and wow wow (2 wows) reputation coach has instructed me to share them with you, which I will start to do soon, in line with our key values.

The title: مرحبا بكم في إسرائيل just goes to show you how global we are. That is Hebrew for :Welcome to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

With respect to all my global readers,
Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux
EVP HR and Chief People Officer
Immature Products

K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein called to meeting with Gloria, his ex Cynthia Aqs and Stan

K Ray asks for a new cellphone

Background:

K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein is Stan's personal cost effective chef, who specializes in cost effective lasagna (for the boss, Stan) and in "fooling around" with our female employees, the last of whom was a certain Ms Cynthia Aqs, see Axe. Nee is a French word.

K Ray has mixed ethnicity, although he is white as a lily. 

The Crisis:

There is a huge crisis in Immature Products due to the inappropriate implementation of our Early Bird Retirement Plan on an Hungarian engineer. Head of Diversity Huge White, who himself is lily White and straight, is now in Budapest making amends, in a timely fashion and in line with our key values. That means very little. Budapest is in Europe.

The Solution:

As per the guidance of our "speed coach",K Ray has been asked to launch Magyar Etrem Week (Hungarian Kitchen Week), immediately.

Even our water fountain MUST emit Hungarian water.

The problem is that K Ray only knows how to make cost effective lasagna well; "unless I get a Blackberry Platinum Q10, then I can "deploy" cost effective yet sumptuous Hungarian food in 15 minutes", blurted K Ray, the non wowish pig.

I told K Ray he was fired. Stan then fired me; I smsed/texted Wifey (Stan's wife) and we are all in a meeting now to smooth things over, all in line with our core values, whatever that means.

All ideas in this post (each and every one)  are the recommendations of our global speed coach, who received another deferred cheque.

A Hungarian Employee meets Ms Aqs: köszönöm

Good choice, Aqs

Today, one of our Hungarian employees had a run in with Ms Cynthia Aqs (nee Axe), head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan.

The employee, as she packed up her bags, sent me an email named:  köszönöm for nothing.

All these dots over the O make no sense at all. They are wasteful, not global and unsustainable.

I sent a text to Cynthia (nee Axe): To CAqs-Good choice. Glo

Speed Coaching

Today, our CEO Stan got some speed coaching about how to deal with the semi wow feedback he is getting on our new software release.

Speed coaching is good for HR because the coach disappears quickly.

The cost effective speed coach used 1-2-3 methodology:

   1 minute to define the problem

   2 minutes to listen to the solution and 

   3 minutes to submit the invoice and hope to get paid

Here is a "blow by blow" description of the coaching, in line with my core values of "worshiping events which leave HR in control".

CEO Stan met with the coach at 8.00 am and by 8.04 am the speed coach was in his car on the way home, in no way challenging HR's dominance.

• Stage One: Stan told the Coach that 3 clients have purchased our product which is unstable and has a negative user experience.

• Stage Two: the speed coach spit out 3 action items:

          1-promise next release with better functionality 
          2-blame the client for being so demanding
          3-use the term "big data" liberally

• Stage Three: Coaching vendor received deferred cheque.

Human Resource Inventory Management

By 0300 am

CEO Stan sent me an sms/text message, our preferred venue of communication. 

"Gloria, since people are basically spare parts, prepare a benchmark tools of inventory management from supply chain team to develop the matrices of human resource inventory management by tomorrow afternoon-urgent. Stan"

I texted/smsed Stan: "Coming up boss". After all, I am his HR business partner.

I texted  Axe (Cynthia) and Hugh White, the Caucasian heterosexual  who Heads our Diversity Department. Delegation is a critical skill for a senior HR manager.

"See text/sms from Stan. I need an answer by 0300 AM-Gloria" .

Ms Axe ignored my text, feigning stress due to downsizing overdose.

I got a text/sms from the uppity straight white boy, Hugh White, who heads my Diversity department. "I am currently unavailable; I appreciate the patronage of almost all minorities. I will revert to you. There are 689 people in line before you. Hugh."

Delegation problems