Thursday, 31 October 2013

HR Premium Service now Offered to Our Employees

A votre service!



Our CEO Stan just returned from a 5 day trip to the "Orient". His wife Wifey accompanied him to keep an eye on him because she claims Stan has had "yellow fever" in the past.


Stan and Wifey flew first class, in semi wow alignment to our core value of Humility. Both Stan and Wifey loved the Premium Service offered to them by Singapore Airlines. 

Wifey told Stan" "If Gloria were to offer Premium HR service to your employees, you would not all be up shit's creek like you are now, Stanley". So Stan texted me
  • "Offer Premium HR Service, but don't forget you are a profit centre, Ramsbottom-Stan"
I immediately convened a meeting with  Axe, Cynthia (Involuntary Early Bird Retirement ) and with the white heterosexual Hugh White (Diversity Manager) to put together our premium service offering which looks like this.

1) Cost of premium membership is $40 a year, plus $5 each "usage unit". An added "talent management" tax of 5 Euro is added in France and other socialist countries.

2) Phone calls to our Premium Call Centre will be answered within 2 days, excluding weekends and Wednesdays. Our operators will have an American accent.

3) You probably will not be downsized by text message for the first 3 months. (limited availability of this feature)

4) Hugh White (Diversity) will protect you even if you are normal.

5) You get one hour a year "premium coaching" from Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.

6) You get insurance for axe-idents which occur for texting whilst driving on work related issues.

7) You get a small flag for your cubicle with my photo, autographed: "With lust, Your business partner, Glo"

8) I hug you for an additional $25 usage, payable to me.

9) You get to eat Stan's chef's cost effective lasagna once a year. The name of Stan's chef is K Ray Beauregard Goldstein. He has mixed ethnicity.

10) Your name is entered in our Internet of Things data base.




No comments:

Post a Comment