Using the Corona Virus to make HR a Profit Centre

Axe (right) blackmails me.

The vibrant Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement plan, watched a 90 second seminal webinar on the use of Big Data to increase revenues in time of crisis.
I texted her as the webinar ended: "Axe, how was the webinar?".  "Big", she texted/smsed me back.

After the webinar, in an email to CEO Stan and me, Cynthia Axe listed  the articles that employees do not return after they have joined her involuntary Early Bird Retirement Program, basing her claims on big data:

  1-their business cards, which can be re-cycled

  2-the knowledge they have accumulated from the business partnership with HR, including zenga zenga

  3-the business acumen from being axe-posed to CEO Stan. I love the word acumen.

  4-the reputation they have accrued

 5-the global horizon they have gained from our global policies.

Axe took this big data to our lawyers, McNab, Larson, Lombardi, Papadopolis, Singh and Goldberg, who proposed a solution, which I modified: 

• Nerds  dismissed due  to the Corona virus will all return their equipment is plastic bags, available for a $2 a pop charge at our company canteen.


• Heretofore, upon joining our Early Bird Retirement Program, a lifetime membership fee of $14 will be be deducted from severance fees. This will reimburse our company for the loss of the 5 aforementioned items. The $14 fee was MY idea.

Following this proposal, the uppity Ms Axe has asked me for new Samsung S10,  and justified  this as "revenue sharing for all intensive purposes".