Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux leaves work at mid day

Homeward bound

Our CEO Stan texted me and asked me to join a discussion that Stan was having with a certain Sybil Civil, his sister-in-law and my so-called employee. Sybil is responsible for civil discourse and drama prevention at Immature Products.

Stan told me that he was inviting to Sybil Civil to join management meetings, "to ensure that they are civil". 

Stan added, "Glo, this is no challenge to your authority whatsoever  so don't worry." Stan then told me that it was time to upgrade Sybil to a Blackberry Q10 and then added, "I would like Sybil to more more involved in guiding Ms Axe (Cynthia), the head of YOUR "Early Bird Retirement Plan". 

Sybil Civil "issued" a minor snicker.

I left Stan's room and I am on my way home. I need time to "think". 
I have always been Stan's chief strategist, and now it is time for me to strategize about myself (and my horse Jean-Marie), which is a French name.

Ms Axe (Cynthia) , always an astute politician, texted me asking me if she could continue with plans to recruit expensive nerds for our Blockchain Department. I texted her back "thanks for your text, and I shall get back to you when the first agent becomes available".

Inclusion Campaign powered by Internet of Things

Axe watches me launch the Inclusion  Blitz

Prodded by the restless mind of  Wifey,  CEO Stan's indefatigable wife, I was ordered by CEO Stan to launch a blitz (German word) to "accommodate any person with liabilities", aka Inclusion. (Inclusion is a distant cousin of Diversity.)

I texted (using Whats-app and BBM) the followed strategic message to Ms Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

• "Do an inclusion survey with our staff and assess needs with 24 hours". 

Ms Axe (Cynthia), ever the absconder, forwarded this text to Hugh White, from Diversity. Hugh did not answer the text because his wife Ludmilla White (nee Khrushchev) had pulled the leash very hard and young heterosexual Hugh is in the doghouse.

So, having to take full responsibility due to the lack of engagement of my lackeys,  I myself did an informal survey about inclusion needs.

Here are my findings.

     1) Folks from Sales want good engineers included in our IoT group.

     2) Folks in IoT HQ want some English speaking folks included in our Ukrainian development site.

     3) 98% of people sampled want Ms Axe (Cynthia) included in our Early Bird Retirement Program.

     4) One very very senior HR manager wants to include more people with a hyphenated last name, preferably with one of those names being French, like Beauregard-Taylor.

     5) Stan wants more workaholics included in our G&A staff.

    6) IoT nerds want people with speech impairments included in Sales, so that less promises can be made.

I shall make crisp decisions, after validating my findings with the internet of things. First, I need to figure out what IoT is, as it were. After consulting a IoT nerd, I will launch the Wow Wow Inclusion Campaign immediately. 

To be frank and earnest, IoT makes my HR role easy. I have two brothers, Frank and Ernest. 

The return of barter for compensating underperforming nerds

Asile de fous

Stan, our CEO, is never the most patient of people. He tends to over simplify many issues under duress.  "Stan is always under stress", noted Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity. Hugh can smell stress from a mile; his wife Ludmilla White take Xanex, Hugh confided to me. (Ludmilla was born in the Ukraine.)

Our CFO Herr Krebbs sent a text to CEO Stan that "cash reserves may be endangered by salary payments in June". Our revenue from new products is almost non wow. My Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom would have said "non existent".

CEO Stan forwarded me the CFO's alarming  text and he asked me for "some contingency plans”. II forwarded this alarming text to a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, and asked her "to take care of it". 

Ms Axe forwarded the aforementioned text to a certain Hugh White. Hugh White sent the text back to me, telling me that Ludmilla is unwell.

This evening, Stan's Wifey sent me an article on a renaissance (French word) of barter and the rebirth of a cashless society.

I need to call my (cost effective) coach for some guidelines. My coach used to be a mountain climber and he developed a module of "overcoming obstacles in 3 minutes". He also took a course in NTL and is a firm believer in Appreciative Inquiry.

Is Gloria about to be fired? A Saga vis a vis (that's French) the book "Five Questions That Change Everything"

Wifey just read a book "Five Questions ThatChange Everything" by a certain John Scherer.(John is a global name. Scherer is a semi global name.)

Wifey loved the book, as did her cronies at the "Global and Sustainable Book Club". Wifey is quite a bookworm, and a closet academic.

 "Stanley, you must have all your staff read this book; it will make your company a better place to work", blurted Wifey to our CEO, Stan as he snoozed off while watching the evening newscast which focused on a British soldier being decapitated.

Stan texted me the next morning  to buy a certain John Scherer's book from MY HR budget, and I stalled and dragged my (high) heels; for heaven sake's, I have almost no budget. 

Besides, what type of consultant writes a book with questions?And five of them to boot! 

Ms Cynthia Ax (Head of our Early Bird Retirement Program) texted me and told me that wifey's sister, a certain Sybil Civil, one of MY employees, bought the Scherer book for ALL employees on Wifey' s credit card. All employees have been asked to read this book within a week!

 I must tell you how much I dislike this book of this Scherer.  I need 5 answers, not 5 questions:

1-Why is Wifey so dominant?

2-Is Sybil my replacement?

3-Why does our product not sell in a wow like manner?

4-Will Blackberry Q10get a Waze apps?

5-Will someone I like in Provence call me? Provence is in France.

I need 5 answers, for heaven sakes. Not questions.

360 degree feedback

360, before tax

Our CEO Stan has a wife named "Wifey", and Wifey read an article on " 360 degree feedback".

Wifey said to Stan over breakfast: "Stanley, why not have that lovely 'girl' Gloria Lemieux implement 360 for you-it seems to me to be so progressive; it "solves" so many problems. Maybe it will "enable" you to get home earlier, my poor husband".

Wifey worries about Stan, especially when Ms Axe spends time doodling in his office. Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Program.

Stan texted me this evening about this matter, whilst I was visiting my sister's home (Claire Ramsbottom-de la Montagne). 

"Glo, 'roll out' 360 degree feedback this week. Get it done and over with by Thursday, and see if we can eliminate a layer of management of under performers while you are 'at it'. And Glo, summarize the 360 in more than 3 truckloads of  Big Data by Friday. Thx. Stan"

Stan also left me a voice message, "Leave me 'out of the loop" with 360 Glo.  I am too busy with the banks."

Stan sent me a "Whatsap"-If Comrade Carl Marks wants to implement 360 done in Russian, tell him that he will be fired. Enough is enough. No one speaks Russian in business anymore".

Obstacles to Implementing Big Data in HR

I'll have a small portion of big data

"Big Data" as a philosophical concept has always intrigued me, especially since Stan started using this term a few months ago. Before big data, HR always dealt in small chunks of data and viscous gossip.

Unwilling not to lead big data 'from an HR perspective",  I face three major barriers to take charge,  as it were.

1) Jean Marie, my all purpose training horse, who enables me to do "vendor free OD", refused to do a webinar on Introduction to  Big Data.
 "What the f--k is Big Data, Gloria?", Jean Marie asked me en francais whilst eating on his oats.

I explained to Jean Marie that Stan embraces the use of Big Data to "jump-start" Immature Products to the "next level of development". 
Jean Marie thought about it, and nevertheless, refused to do an "in depth" 90 second webinar on Big Data.

2) Miss Cynthia Axe (Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan) has "trimmed" and "shaped" IT headcount during the last 30 quarters in what now appears to been pure recklessness! We have fired 4000 IT people.It makes HR appear "anti big-data"! 

3) My relationship with Winston Wu has been semi wow over the years. 
Winston Wu was our IT manager  and I re-positioned him out of the company; now he is now our external big data contractor, with a contract fatter than my sisters' ass.

I shall wine and dine my learned colleague Winston Wu at a French Restaurant called "Chez moi". 

Hugh White from Diversity told me to avoid an Asian restaurant.  (I love les mets chinois, as it were.)

Hugh White pays attention to the smallest of data.

Ax Pluribus, Unum

Cynthia 

Axe pluribus, unum.

To: Gloria Ramsbottom-lemieux@immatureproducts.com
From: stan-ceo@immatureproducts.com

Re-Axe pluribus, unum.

Gloria my dear,
I met with the Chairman. The Board wants "more control" of R&D and thus, we shall be closing all 4 offshore offices in Q1.
This plan is to be kept top-secret, even from your lovely young file clerk Axe and that weirdo Hugh White.
Code name is: Ax Pluribus, Unum
Please be discrete.
Stan

Tailor made engagement plan

A la carte

Following the roll out of our semi successful fast lane re-engagement plan, CEO Stan threatened to fire me. This happened in a fit of temporary insanity.

3 hours later, when he calmed down, I told Stan I would prepare an improved 'tailored made, a la carte approach to engagement after downsizing.' 

Stan likes my use of French, and all of a sudden he changed his approach; he is now willing to play a key role in re engagement.

•   Stan is ready to retract the statement that our internet of things engineers are 'useless bums'. 
•   Stan now calls them 'salt of the Earth' and 'my beloved sons and daughters'.

Stan asked, 'Glo, what would be the engagement impact if I washed a developers/engineers feet as they entered the building?' 

I referred this query to the bizarre straight white boy who heads Diversity, Hugh White. Hugh forwarded the query (English word) to a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, who referred the question back to me, in line with our core value of passing the buck.

When I explained the consequences to Stan, a drama unfolded.

• As a major cornerstone of our "tailor made motivation plan", Stan will wash and scrub the feet of 7 engineering team leaders in R&D. Ms Axe (Cynthia) will dry these very same feet and rub them with "motivation oil". Big data boys will get a free foot massage, thrown in.

• Ms. Claire Ramsbottom-de la Montagne will film this event and I shall use this as our re engagement webinar. (Claire is my less successful sister, but she makes good and agile videos).

• Pets will now be allowed in the workplace, in the framework of this motivation campaign. This is in line with our core value of silent capitulation under duress.

To cool leadership rage, let's re engage

Texting words of re-engagement to our slovenly engineers

Using our not so popular Early Bird Retirement Plan, Ms Cynthia Axe from HR re-sized the Big Data/IoT Team from 350 bums down to 288 in line with our core values of "HR business partnership".

I  provided the "liberated engineers" with some "text-enabled coaching" to soften the landing in a humane fashion, in line with my core value constant self-promotion.

Yet our CEO Stan is unhappy, and sent me a text, using Whatsapp.

• "Glo, I do not want to see any despondency and foot dragging when we all get in on Monday. I want folks fully re engaged "by  Wednesday". "And Glo", he followed up with a second text,"I will hold your feet to the fire if I do not see a passion to win by the end of the week".

Axe (Cynthia) and I brainstormed by text this morning and put in place a risk-mitigation plan.

• EVERY employee will get a text message saying : "To cool Stan's rage, let's re-engage"!
• Old paper cups will be replaced by cups with our new logo. Each cup will be engraved with:  Stan's patience is thin, show a passion to win."
• On the elevators and bulletin boards, we will show our forecast of  ax-pected growth for 2019 with the slogan: Bust your butt, or we'll be in a rut.
• Asap, our entire staff will have a weekend in Harare to build team spirit.

3 reasons to retire early

We love people

Stan, our CEO, banned the word downsizing just before we cut 40% of our headcount in order to realign with success. Thus Cynthia Axe's role is now known as "Early Bird Retirement Program Manager". 

Sybil Civil, who is in charge of civil discourse, invented that term "Early Bird" in her "Dictionary of Positive Synonyms".  Note: my late father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would said that's pure bull---t, and before I transitioned into HR, I would have agreed with him.

We will continue to re-size, and enter the "painless-reinvention" stage. HR has put together a "wow wow wow" package (3 wows) to entice people to retire early, with a special emphasis on the useless bums in R&D who are not blockchain compliant. 

This is what we are offering:-

1-An almost free pamphlet: "The Joys of Family Life-24 hours a day" written my sister, Claire Ramsbottom-de la Montagne.

2-Almost free wow wow membership to the web site "Soup Kitchens That Serve More than Soup", to be offered right after having a rather non-wow grisly conversation with a certain Ms Cynthia Axe and the "terminated employee".

3-"Believe in win-win, even in the downward spin" is what will engraved on the 3 T shirts per family that HR will sell to each participant in the Early Bird Retirement Plan, at $5 each.

Россия

добрая весть:

I know about  the huge number of people who follow this blog in Russia, whereever that is.
Stan has asked me to visit our Moscow office due to morale problems!
This may be good news for Russia and Stan.
Stan also gave me tickets to see a show called киска бунт.
This is the end of the good news.

Плохие новости:

The Russians have had bad morale for years! What the hell can I do? Can I change  genetic code? 
I also do not have the right skill set; I am a GLOBAL, not a local HR manager.
I do not understand Russian. 
I do not plan learning this language.The books in this language are too long, and everyone gets killed in the end anyway.

Stan told me go to the show anyway, because "maybe you can also pick up some Russian".  Does anyone think learning Russian is sustainable? Russians should be learning English! For heaven sakes! I also speak and text in English and  in French, which is VERY global. Learning Russian is passe, as we say in French.

Is Stan's behaviour sustainable? Is this the way to treat a senior HR business partner with a seat at the table. Why doesn't he go to Russia?
For heaven sakes! I do not want to go to visit for 3 days.  I am a GLOBAL HR manager. This makes no sense.
Does anyone think I love the cold? Does anyone think I want to sit in traffic jams? Is that a good use of my time?
I have asked a certain Ms Cynthia Ax, who heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan, to replace me, but she can't.
I  also MUST know if my new Blackberry Priv works in the severe cold.

Wow wow changes in global travel policy

Mais oui! Getting better all the time.

In order to align costs with the glowing revenues expected in 2018, as well as  with the almost-inevitable semi-wow present dip impacting current revenues (due to the useless bums in R&D who cannot crank out a product or speak English well enough to explain what the problem is),  new wow wow wow travel policy changes are now in effect.

• Night flights which save dirty and useless hotels are "flights of choice".
• Pyongyang is now a "destination of choice" as we migrate to North Korean change management methodology, inspired by the Great Leader who recently re-positioned his Uncle Jang without resistance.
• Per diem are now global; 10 a day. The currency to be chosen is the "depreciating currency of the month", as per the publication of the global and sustainable World Bank's web site, Farsi edition. Hugh White ( Caucasian, heterosexual) Diversity Chief to ensure no ones' feelings are hurt.
• Air Uzbekistan, with its friendly staff,  is our international airline of choice. 
• In order to encourage globalism, staff will fly out on the weekend, and return on the weekend. This will also enable work work work work work work work work life balance.
• Staff will take a luxury public bus from airports to the hotel;  taxis can be taken after 0200 am until 0500 am with the the ok of our HR "help centre", staffed by a certain Ms Cynthia Ax, Head of Early-Bird Retirement.
•  Employees are encouraged to make lunch from the free breakfast buffet, as part of our sustainability campaign.
• Suppers should be aligned with our super-special 300 calorie wow wow wow "we are all healthy" campaign.
• In case of delays, minor re-booking charges are covered by employees and will re-reimbursed in due time, as our revenue stream increases, in a timely fashion. This is in line with "social responsibility".  

CEO Stan's itinerary will be handled by his personal assistant, to prevent any dramas from developing. 
HR will ensure a civil discourse and appropriate rumour management around Stan's extravagant habits.

HR in Japan is not strategic, but rather clerical, as opposed to the US where HR managers are strategic partners. Many HR clerks in Japan are not pushy women

6 "partially" eloquent engineers must go to Japan to meet a potential customer. Japan is in Asia. They will demonstrate a yet-to function product.

I have been told that the Japanese have their very unique ways as far as emerging technology is concerned, which is their "illegitimate misplaced prerogative" as far as CEO Stan is concerned.

I nevertheless briefed Stan about Japan:

•  Many modern western cell phones don't work well in Japan because they have a "non global" network.
• It is easier to understand a Scot than a Japanese in a con-call.
• The Japanese take their customers very seriously and almost worship them like God. Like really! 
• In Japan, folks have a work work work work work work work work work life balance. People work 28 hours a day, even if they are doing grunt work-like preparing their 900th version of a ten page power point.
• HR in Japan is not strategic, but rather clerical, as opposed to the US where HR managers are strategic partners. Many HR clerks in Japan are not pushy women.
• Japanese does not use the normal alphabet.
• Our experience with Chad, Zimbabwe, Bolivia and Pago Pago based clients is irrelevant in Japan, which relies only on reliable reference points.

CEO Stan said "I'm fine with all that Glo-just get those bums in Engineering some training".

I am looking for 30-45 minutes of training with the following takeaways:-

1-Understand con calls (with Scots and) Japanese participants.
2-Explain to the Japanese that we sure don't treat our customers like God.
3-Ensure the Japanese don't schedule calls on July 4th, a global holiday.
4-For heaven sake, just get the cell phones to work.
5-Use our  alphabet.
6-Ensure the better positioning of HR, pushing aside the subservient male clerks by bringing in capable lady business partners under the age of 30. 
 
Please apply asap.

Roles and Responsibilties in our HR Department

The ladies of HR

White and heterosexual

I have been approached by several folks in the civilized and 3rd world  to describe the workings of my HR department and I shall do so briefly and in a "timely fashion", in line with my core value of brevity and self promotion.

As EVP HR, I handle 

• corporate communication via texting
• sloganeering
• human capital and spare part management
• people issues every second Wednesday
• cater to CEO Stan
• damage control vis a vis (that's French) Stan's  brainy wife (Wifey)
• sitting in my seat at the executive table serving as  HR business partner whatever that means
• I also handle our vendor-less OD program.  

My Dad would have asked me-explain that again Gloria, cuz I don`t understand what the fuck you do.

I also do coaching/change management/OD to our IoT nerds in remote sites. I smash union activity in the embryonic stage using pompous slogans and hidden microphones, in line with my core value of trusted advisor.

I update our core values weekly.

I use a Blackberry Q10, big data, intuition and political acumen to get my job done.

My restless assistant, a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, deals with implementation of re-sizing, downsizing, reshaping and well-being. Ms Axe is also liason (French) to CEO Stan's office on technical matters; she reports into Stan dotted line, whatever that means. Ms Axe uses an I Phone 6.

Huge White is a white boy with heterosexual inclinations. He runs our Diversity department, in line with our core value of compliance. Hugh ensures our irregular Internet of things nerds do not get us sued. Hugh has an old Nokia, and a Russian born wife, Comrade Ludmilla Khrushchev-White.

Jean-Marie, my all purpose training horse, met a young lady in Provence and retired. He now lives with his girlfriend Celine in Mt Laurier, Quebec. That is in Canada, north of the USA. Jean Marie has no phone since he is a horse.

Maternity Leave-updated policy

Loves paying maternity leave

Our cash strapped but humane CEO Stan loves loves Bank Holidays, the Jewish and Chinese new year, and paying for maternity leave just as much as he enjoys hemorrhoids. 

Yet, Stan wants to show his love for the new mothers employed in our company. 
Stan asked HR how to do so and was presented a plan by his HR business partner.

HR is proud to announce that Stan has agreed that the company shall pay for car insurance for private (non company) vehicles which mothers use for work for the first 6 weeks after giving birth, to be calculated by the day of birth at 1 am.

 4 minor pre-conditions need to be met:

1. Age of mother is 55 +
2. Mother uses virtual parenting a week after birth.
3. Mother puts work back into work work work - life balance.
4. Mother texts whist driving as needed to support "constant availability" and safety. (insurance available) 

Supporting the business, as it were

Diversity Audit

Following the "developments" on the Bank Holiday, the government has initiated a "Diversity Audit" of our multicultural, global and sustainable firm, to be held today.

Stan convened a meeting this morning, and I skyped in. Skype is a global technology. Here are the decisions which were made.

• Stan embraces Bank Holidays.
• The Scots get 3 extra Bank Holidays, starting immediately.
• There will be an ATM placed in R&D and Sales.
• Ms Cynthia Ax will fire 5 white people.
• The Jews can also celebrate Chinese new year and the Chinese can celebrate new years 3 times a year.
• Salaries will all be transfered to the World Bank, which is a very global and diverse bank.

We all embrace multi culturalism and diversity and sustainability.
 

Bank Holidays-what a horrendous mess I am in

Some of the people in our "Scotch" and English office had a Bank Holiday yesterday, for heaven sakes. In global companies, there are no such things. Not even in NYC! Or Boston!

Stan texted me and chewed my ear off for allowing this non global and unsustainable manifestation of "destructive local autonomy".

Stan bellowed, "The French close down for the summer, the Jews celebrate New Years in September (or October) and the Chinese have new years in Feb. Now the Scots (sic) and Brits have a bank holiday? Put an end to this Gloria, or else you will lose your seat at the table."

I sent a "text" to all, cancelling all tribal and British holidays. I mentioned that the Scots need to abide.

Cheap and successful webinars make HR shine

Cheap and successful webinars make HR look good

We had several problems on our hands until this morning:

• not so wow cash burn rate
• slovenly work done by our 3rd world burnt out engineering team
• non wow lack of dialogue between Sales and R&D
• a followership issue, backed up by big data

Today however,we had a wow wow wow  "Align for Success" Cooking Lesson, led by a cook from Lahore Pakistan, who facilitated the session by Skype. (The cook is also a big data attendant, as it were).

Lahore is not the French word for "prostitute".

The level of the  cook's English was reasonable and global (but not sustainable). Most people understood 30% of what he said, some of the time. 

The R&D folks cooked up the meal and fed it to our Sales team, then to CEO Stan and to Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan.

Sales folks then threw the meal at Sales, at Ms Axe and at   Hugh White (from Diversity).

An illegal immigrant from our community  cleaned up the mess. 

It was so much fun. The satisfaction was 9.5.

Only one person had a nasty comment: "the Ramsbottom  bitch outdid herself with her irrelevance".

CEO Stan now believes we are aligned with success. So do I. And the webinar was pro bono.

HR can and does solve problems without costly HR interventions. Mais oui.

Looking for an experienced cheap coach and /or facilitator

Our senior management team is going off site for a one day brainstorming session  on "aligning with success".

The context of the offsite is the withdrawal of interest  of all the investors who were looking at purchasing our wow wow wow company, the churn rate of 30% of our useless and greedy engineers, our high cash burn rate (excluding Stan's first class travel) , and the overtime being invested by HR in our Early Bird Retirement Plan. (A certain Ms Axe is working 16 hours a day, to ensure a timely reshaping of our ax-penses.)

Stan has asked that the wow wow offsite be:

1. practical
2. global
3. sustainable
4. in line with our core values
5. integrated into Blockchain with German spare parts
6. built to last (until Stan retires)
7. kick-ass (the engineering dept)
8. civil
9. powerful yet mellow
10. high impact
11. fun fun fun
12. popular (average score of 9 out of 10) on summary sheet 

I am looking for a wow cost-effective vendor who needs to be willing to work for a barter. The vendor should speak English with a British, French or "Scotch" accent.

Please contact gloria.ramsbottom@gmail.com  Btw, I demand loyalty.