|We love people|
Stan, our CEO, banned the word
downsizing just before when we first cut 40% of our workforce.
Thus Cynthia Axe is called Early Bird Retirement Program Manager.
Sybil Civil, who was in charge of civil discourse, invented that term "Early |Bird" in her "Dictionary of Positive Synonyms".
(Note: my late father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would said that's pure bull---t, and before I transitioned into HR, I would have agreed with him.)
In 2015, we will continue to re-size, and enter the "painless-reinvention" stage. HR has put together a "wow wow wow" package (3 wows) to entice people to retire early, with a special emphasis on the useless bums in R&D who are not big data compliant.
This is what we are offering:-
1-An almost free pamphlet: "The Joys of Family Life-24 hours a day" written my sister, Claire Ramsbottom-de la Montagne.
2-Almost free wow wow membership to the web site "Soup Kitchens Serve More than Soup", to be offered right after having a rather non-wow grisly conversation with a certain Ms Cynthia Axe and the "terminated employee".
3-"Believe in win-win, even in the downward spin" is what will be written on the 3 T shirts per family that HR will sell to each participant in the Early Bird Retirement Plan, at $5 each.