Friday 17 May 2013

3 reasons to retire early

We love people

Stan, our CEO, banned the word downsizing just before we cut 40% of our headcount in order to realign with success. Thus Cynthia Axe's role is now known as "Early Bird Retirement Program Manager". 

Sybil Civil, who is in charge of civil discourse, invented that term "Early Bird" in her "Dictionary of Positive Synonyms".  Note: my late father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would said that's pure bull---t, and before I transitioned into HR, I would have agreed with him.

We will continue to re-size, and enter the "painless-reinvention" stage. HR has put together a "wow wow wow" package (3 wows) to entice people to retire early, with a special emphasis on the useless bums in R&D who are not blockchain compliant. 

This is what we are offering:-

1-An almost free pamphlet: "The Joys of Family Life-24 hours a day" written my sister, Claire Ramsbottom-de la Montagne.

2-Almost free wow wow membership to the web site "Soup Kitchens That Serve More than Soup", to be offered right after having a rather non-wow grisly conversation with a certain Ms Cynthia Axe and the "terminated employee".

3-"Believe in win-win, even in the downward spin" is what will engraved on the 3 T shirts per family that HR will sell to each participant in the Early Bird Retirement Plan, at $5 each.


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