Friday, 17 May 2013

Incentives to Retire Early in New HR Campaign

We love people
Stan, our CEO,  banned  the word downsizing just before when we first cut 40% of our workforce. 


Thus Cynthia Axe is called Early Bird Retirement Program Manager.



Sybil Civil, who was in charge of civil discourse, invented that term "Early |Bird" in her "Dictionary of Positive Synonyms".



(Note: my late father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would said that's pure bull---t, and before I transitioned into HR, I would have agreed with him.)


In 2015, we will continue to re-size, and enter the "painless-reinvention" stage. HR has put together a "wow wow wow" package (3 wows) to entice people to retire early, with a special emphasis on the useless bums in R&D who are not big data compliant. 


This is what we are offering:-



1-An almost free pamphlet: "The Joys of Family Life-24 hours a day" written my sister, Claire Ramsbottom-de la Montagne.



2-Almost free wow wow membership to the web site "Soup Kitchens Serve More than Soup", to be offered right after having a rather non-wow grisly conversation with a certain Ms Cynthia Axe and the "terminated employee".



3-"Believe in win-win, even in the downward spin" is what will be written on the 3 T shirts per family that HR will sell to each participant in the Early Bird Retirement Plan, at $5 each.








4 comments:

  1. One of the best! Thank you.

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  2. Thanks for my giggle today!

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  3. :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

    ReplyDelete