Diversity audit upcoming.

                                                     

                                                                                Diversity bores me.

The nosy government will be carrying out a dreaded Diversity audit this month. 
White and straight Diversity Chief Hugh White  will prepare a 5 step plan to combat covert racism. 

I texted Hugh some of my input, using my Blackberry Leap. (CEO Stan calls Blackberry a "piece of Canadian crap". This is also a diversity issue, from a big data point of view).

My input to Hugh:

1)  The  Scot who works at the switchboard should get English language training.

2)  Prayer mats should be purchased for all employees, religious or not.

3)  Monday should ethnic food day. No US or Canadian food to be tolerated. Staff will be charged a small Diversity tax of 2% on these ethnic meals, as soon as the audit is over. (Poutine will be considered an ethnic food).

4)  People with hyphenated names like Ramsbottom-Lemieux, Laporte-McLean, Rosenberg-Rochambeau and Lau-McNab will be allowed to use both names on their email signature.

5) Hugh White will stop gossiping about the sex lives of our staff.

Hugh White joins HR department as Head of Diversity

The right honourable Huge White

Hugh White has joined Immature Products-HR as Head of Diversity.

Hugh studied sociology at  Brigham Young University.

Hugh is steeped in diversity; he has a Black neighbour, a Jewish dentist and he loves Chinese food. He dated a 3rd generation American lady who claims she has an India-born grandmother. Hugh married Comrade Ludmilla White, whose roots are Ukrainian.

Hugh has also traveled extensively to the ``Orient``, with his Aunt, aka, Wifey, our CEO`s determined wife.

Hugh will report into Senior EVP of HR and Chief People Officer, Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.

On this occasion, I wish to announce the untimely departure of a certain Jennifer Papadopolos-Otelini, who is emigrating to Waterloo, Ontario, which is in Canada. Canada is North of Vermont. 

Jennifer will be in the downsizing business, which she learnt from the Mother of All Mentors, Ms Cynthia Axe. Nee is a French word which means `born.``

Let us all bow our heads and pray for Hugh's success.

I sure hope Hugh does not start prying about people's sex life. My belief is that he should focus on the switchboard.

Speed Coaching Solves the Reputation Problem of Ms Cynthia Aqs

Axe to become a popular employee via 1 2 3 speed coaching

Q4 is upon us; we are resizing our wow-wowish company & 68 heads will be positioned to roll, " in a positve sense, as we migrate to our 2019 growth plan."

Cynthia Axe, the head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, has never been the most popular employee. She came out the least popular employee for 12 years straight, despite the skirts she wears and the tatoos she displays.

CEO Stan and his brainy wife, Wifey, have called for corrective action for Cynthia. 

Today, we hired a "speed coach" at 0900 am and by 0902 am the coaching series was over with 4 action items having been generated. 

The speed coach uses the 1-2-3 methodology: 1 minute to define the problem; 2 minutes to listen to the solution and 3 minutes to submit the invoice and get paid.

The results are phenomenal and we gladly paid our vendor with a deferred cheque, deferred until our yet to be defined product gets out the door.

Here are the 4 action items generated the speed coach after Cynthia defined the problem (in stage one) as "everyone hates me except Gloria".

1-Cynthia will change the spelling of her last name from Axe to Aqs.

2-Employees invited to a one on one with Ms Aqs will wear a hood and their eyes will be covered; they are to be told they have a meeting with a "senior  axe-ecutive".

3-All signs in the building with EXIT will be changed to AXE-IT.

4-An elevator shoot will be installed in Cynthia's room, so employees can be 'shuttled" to the nearest "axe-it" in a timely manner.

The speed coach uses "appreciative inquiry".  Aq's mission statement for non downsized nerds  is "put your foot on the gas or I'll kick your fat ass".

An email goes astray

Is this a fatal error?

To: Gloria HR

From: Comrade Carl Marks R&D

Subject: Private and for your eyes only

My dear and trusted Gloria,

We have not seen eye to eye yet I need your help as my trusted adviser and tovarish (comrade). You and I can make a great team together.

I will even let you call me Carl if you help me this with the following issue:

Wifey (our CEO's wife) keeps reading these brainless management articles which are a huge drain on my time, because she wants me to act on implementing these idiotic ideas.

Can we cooperate? Just browse these articles and put together an appropriate response for Ms Wifey in order to get that crazy woman off my back. Can do? Get the "ask"?

I trust you will help me, and we can be trusted comrades in our magnificent struggle to be get a product out the door.

With great respect and almost grovelling,

Comrade Carl Marks

PS You have great legs.

PPS Have you read anything about the Battle of Stalingrad?

Fwd To: Wifey
From: Gloria HR
Dear Wifey,
See above, FYI.
Gloria

No patience for CCM

Cynthia Axe returns from Waterloo

Ms Cynthia Axe, who has fired 40,009 people in 10 years in our company, returned from Waterloo Ontario. That's in Canada.

She visited Waterloo on "personal business". I am aware that she was interviewed by a firm who is interested in "shedding" several thousand staff.

By error, Ms Axe gave them the wrong CV and I was axed to serve as a reference.

I tried not to mention her short affair with CEO Stan, and her short lived "life-long" relationship with K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein (Stan's cost effective private chef). K Ray has mixed ethnicity, although he is lily white.

I did mention that Ms Axe does not speak one word of French. I also mentioned her failure to remain a popular figure, although she has a reputation coach.

I did mention that Ms Axe (Cynthia) has no "affinity" for Canada and, unlike John Irving the noted author, Axe is an American at heart and in soul. Nevertheless, I mentioned her global role in enforcing the global English language in our global and sustainable dining hall.

Ms Axe "has decided" to continue in our company.

Cynthia Axe may have a job offer from a certain company in Waterloo

They are not hq'ed in Waterloo

The Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, a certain Cynthia Axe, has asked to go to Waterloo, which is north of the global border between the global USA and Canada, for "personal reasons".

Axe is a White, English speaking American-why would she want to got to Canada "for personal reasons"? Who does she think she is, John Irving?

She has apparently received a job offer from a company that needs her skills and axe-perience. This I heard from the rumour mill.

Stay tuned.

How to negotiate backing

HTC, svp!

1) 

To      Gloria (HR)

From Comrade Carl Marks (R&D)

CC: Stan (CEO); Ed (Chairman)

Gloria,

Please replace my I phone 5 with an HTC today.

I suggest that the entire organization "migrates" to  HTC.

BTW, I see no reason why HR controls telephony.

And as I have said before, I do not understand the value proposition of HR.

Comrade Carl

2)

To  Comrade Carl 

From: Gloria

CC: Stan(CEO)

No, dearest Comrade Carl.  We need to manage by axe-ample.

Gloria

3)

To  CEO Stan; Chairman ED

From Comrade Carl Marks

CC Gloria

BCC: Hugh White; Cynthia Axe

It appears that Gloria needs her rabies shot. Please OK my request.

Comrade Carl

4)

To Comrade Carl

From Stan (CEO

CC Gloria (HR)

BCC Chairman Ed

Comrade Carl,

Your request for an HTC is approved. (Gloria, Comrade Carl is a senior manager)! Glo, please get me an HTC also. 

I've had it with my I phone 5. Let's see this happen by noon.

Stan

PS Get an HTC for Wifey as well.

8 Change Management Commandments

Gloria's 4 Change Management Commandments
8 instead of 10 for the sake of Brevity

Until I get certified as a level 4 change manager (which will allow me to add a few letters after my name) I have jumped ahead  and set down some basic guidelines for change management for all our staff. 

These are called Gloria's 8 change management commandments. (Eight in French is huit, pronounced as "wheat")

I must disclose that I have a mission, vision, values and goals: by the end of Q4, all our staff (who know English, Russian, Danish or Hindi) are to be coaches and change managers.

Here are the 8 commandments for change management:

1. Set high goals, or your head will roll.
2. Set up a plan and cc Stan**.
3. Work day and night, or you'll meet your plight.
4. Work without incentives; to prevent Axe's* counteroffensive.
5. If you're under the crunch, forgo your lunch.
6. Forget quality audits-focus on profits.
7. Stay on target, or you'll be in the job market.
8. Never deliver late, or Axe* will seal your fate.

*Cynthia Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

**Stan is our CEO; he is not a micro manager-he just wants to know a lot.

Mais oui!

Why HR ladies are the very best change managers

Becoming a Change Manager, mais oui!

Following a series of organizational changes, I need to be certified as a  senior Change Manager, pronto.  I will issue an RFP to certify me within a week, if possible even less.

My current skills and attitudes:

1-Texting/sms simultaneously on two mobile phones at 200 mph. I have a Blackberry Priv and a Blackberry Passport.

2-I am a phenomenal problem solver; average shelf time of a problem in my inbox is 2 minutes.

3-I believe OD is humanistic baloney.

4- HR is strategic and cutting edge, Change Management is and should be an integral part of HR.

5-I speak immaculate posh  English and my French is better than most Danes. I can understand when Scots speak English. I know a bit of German and Russian.

6-I reinvent myself all the time. I do my nails twice a week.

7-I believe change can be managed: provide a vision and mission statement, threaten people with being fired, and intrinsically motivate them.

8-I work with only the best, including world class down-sizer, Ms Axe (Cynthia) who has axed 45000 people in her stellar career.

9-No organizational change should take more than 2 days.

10-I implemented internet of things, and I am data driven.

Entire HR Team to become Change Managers

Gloria, Cynthia And Hugh White, who is too white to be seen-all to be become Change Managers

As of Friday, HR will add on a new Change Management Department, to manage many of the axe-pected changes in our not so firm firm.

We have no budget for new hires so all HR managers will double as change managers; each HR-Change manager will get a slide pack of 45 templates to enable leadership of major changes.

Here are the axe-pected changes we will be driving:

1) Comrade Carl Marks may be replaced at R&D VP, although Carl does not know it. Not even CEO Stan knows it. I know it. That's enough.

2) Big Data will grow bigger. (I am sexually attracted to big data). Every action we take will be justified using big data. The first change we need to make is to ensure we know what big data means.

3) Sales will be reorganized into a matrix organization, and then reorganized into business units, then everyone will be fired and we will have another reorganization.  We will keep reorganizing until we have a product to sell.

4) HR will reorganize as follows:

• Cynthia Axe will be named "second driver" to me, and will fill in for me when I am away. I am never away. Ms Axe will continue to lead our Early Bird Retirement Plan, which will be axe-panding. (The Uncle Jang Premium Retirement Club will be better branded. Folks fired in the framework of the Uncle Jang Club are escorted out of our resilient building).

• Hugh White (the white, bizarre heterosexual who lead Diversity) may also deal with "regular" white and straight employees who have a hard to understand accent in English.

• Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux will lead the Change Management Department, reporting into herself directly. For the first year, Gloria herself will double as Chief Change Manager and EVP HR.

4) CEO Stan's Wifey will take on a more active role in leading our company, perhaps.

5) A tender to certify (within a 2 day training period) the very talented Gloria as Senior Change Manager will be published very soon.

Having Change Management under my wing strengthens my standing and ensures that my seat at the table is sustainable, as well as resilient.

I have been told that Change Management is practical and delivers all changes on time. In CM, there is no dithering/lingering about feelings/emotions like there is in OD. Change Management just gets things done. Mais oui!

Augmenting the Impact of HR on Strategy

HR plays Key Role

Our CEO Stan rolled out our new strategic plan for Q 4 based on 3 major sustainable (and global) principles:

1-Strategic sales will be boosted to get market share, even if this entails a "semi wow" almost break-even +- , from which we can easily recuperate, based on the outstanding service we plan to develop.

2-Cost cutting to allow "breathing space" for that useless nitwit Comrade Carl Marks, Head of R&D, and his band of lazy thugs, to churn out something that works. HR second in command, a certain Cynthia Axe will support cost cutting via her Early Bird Retirement Plan, as will Sarah Barracuda-Minnow, Head of Procurement, and one of Gloria's clerks.

3-Massive use of  IMT-"Intrinsic Motivation Tools", to be developed by HR SVP Gloria Ramsbottom, who has delegated this global, sustainable, moronic and grisly task to a certain Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini, Gloria's junior file clerk and former HRBP to Carl Marks.

Intrinsic motivation

I don't inhale my own fumes

Mais non!

I have asked my grovelling  assistant, a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, to prepare a white paper on intrinsic motivation. The plan will be called the Cynthia Plan, as I expect it to be non-wow and not all that popular.

I wonder, is the term white paper  diverse?  I shall ask Heterosexual Hugh White, who heads Diversity. (My whole team is lily white.)

HR is exempt from the Cynthia Plan for Intrinsic Motivation. Why? I am not stupid enough to inhale my own fumes.  Shevat thinks I am dumb, but I am not that dumb.

Intrinsic motivation may be paperless, global, sustainable, big data,  wow wow wow, and cloud based, but since 2008, many "major thinkers" believe it is baloney. However, it is in line with our core value of "slogans for the gig crowd and the masses".

Intrinsic motivation is baloney?

Влад переезжает в штаб-квартиру компании в США в течение одного года

Gloria welcomes expats

Our beloved company, Immature Products, will relocate a Russian engineer from the Ukraine to our global North American headquarters for the period of one year. My understanding is that the Ukraine is in Russia, almost.

The relocated Russian's name is Igor, or Vlad; I cannot seem to remember.

Ms Axe (Cynthia) who heads out Early Bird Retirement plan, offered the following package, which Vlad or Igor turned down. Here is the essense of our rejected proposal.

1) Immature Products respects the rights of employees to live whereever they wish.

2) Clearly, very few people want to live in the Ukraine.

3) We welcome Igor or Vlad with open arms.

4) We will provide a web page with "accent tutors".

5) Igor will have 3 days at Days Inn upon landing at company expense. This will include breakfast for his wife and 8 children.

6) I ask the US federal government and State Officials to be helpful.

7) Payment in rubles.

8) We will provide an American flag for Vlad to hang on his balcony.

9) Vlad's wife will get to go to Saudia Arabia on our annual "Global Women's Week Getaway".  The price of the week getaways may be partially subsidized, depending on market conditions.

10)  The very day Vlad solves the problems for which he is brought to HQ to solve, I will accompany him personally to the airport to go home, as an act of appreciation.

Expat package rejected by ungrateful Igor

Welcome Igor, or Vlad.

Bienvenue!

Our beloved company, Immature Products, will relocate a Russian Internet of Things nerd from the Ukraine to our global North American headquarters for the period of one year. My understanding is that the Ukraine is in Russia.

The relocated Russian's name is Igor, or Vlad; I cannot seem to remember. Many of the Russian names sound similar.

Ms Axe (Cynthia) who heads our semi Voluntary Early Bird Retirement plan, offered the following package, which Vlad or Igor turned down. Here is the essence of the rejected proposal.

1) We respects the rights of employees to live where ever they wish.

2) Clearly, very few people want to live in the Ukraine.

3) We welcome Igor or Vlad with open arms.

4) We will provide a web page with references to English "accent tutors", provided by English speakers from Glasgow.

5) Igor will have 3 days at Days Inn upon landing at company expense. This will include breakfast for his wife and one child. Their dog will be allowed in the yard.

6) I ask the US federal government and State Officials to be helpful.

7) Payment of salary in rubles.

8) We will provide an American flag for Vlad to hang on his balcony.

9) Vlad's/Igor's wife will get to go to Saudi Arabia on annual "Expat's 3rd world wives getaway week".  The price of the week getaways may be partially subsidized, depending on market conditions.

10)  The very day Vlad solves the problems for which he is brought to HQ to solve, I will accompany him personally to the airport to go home, as an act of appreciation.

11) Vlad/Igor will get a local prepaid sim card. Calls to his mother in the homeland can be made Skype to Skype, at company expense. Vlad will get Samsung 3 telephone.

Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini

Feet to be washed

The aforementioned clerk  served as R&D HR "Business Partner" for a certain Comrade Carl Marks, our mediocre and nattering R&D manager. She is relieved of this role, as of now and joins our HR team reporting to me and me alone.

Ms Papadopolis will now have the following role:

• Support Gloria by providing highly refined  intelligence and due dilligence  on what is going on in R&D.
• Support Gloria by "adapting" Carl's compensation to the departure of Comrade Tim Buck, our disgraced Chairman, and Carl's former patron.
• Support Gloria by washing Gloria's feet daily.
• Support Gloria by calling her Ma'am.
• Support Gloria by enforcing English only in our global dining hall.

I explained to Jennifer that Papadopolis-Otelini is
too long a family name, too foreign, not sustainable and not global. "I'll revert to you in a week, Ma'am", she replied. "I need to consult a change manager".

סוף טוב-הכל טוב

Diversity audit catches Gloria unprepared

Global names

Once again, the lack of globalism in our company is crippling HR efforts to make us sustainable.

The Department of Labour is doing an audit on the male/female ratio of our company in R&D. 
They have chosen these names randomly from the data we submitted, and now I need to provide information about their gender. Does this make sense? Is my name Claire Voyant? I do wish our staff was more HR "user friendly" and global.

• Ayhan Mehmat
•   张磊
• Mayvarin Changsurirothenothenom
• Armağan Kanyara
• Neta Sneer 
• ממש מצחיק

How to carve out a more meaningful role for HR

 

Just so we all read off the same page....

1) Wifey read a magazine article about Confucian principles of unequal relationships and their impact on the art of management. Wifey is married to Stan, our hapless CEO.

2) Wifey asked R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks to discuss the article with her. Carl Marks  "referred" the article to a certain Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini, his HR business partner.

Jenny is neither Greek or Italian. Jennifer put off answering Wifey, since Jennifer's to-do-list is chock-a-block with HR tasks....compliance, firing people, compliance, discipline, compliance,  hiring easy to manage performance coaches, and compliance.

3) Jennifer, it appears reads the wrong tea leaves. Jenny does, however, have a nice tatoo in a place I prefer not to discuss.

4) Here, our story continues:

Wifey asked Comrade Carl Marks to join her for lunch, accompanied by Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini and yours truly, Gloria Ramsbottom.

Carl and Jennifer and Wifey and I has lunch at Chez Pauline. "Chez" is a French word often attached to French dining establishments.

Wifey asked me what I thought of the article. "Wifey, it is global, sustainable, actionable, and wow-wowish", I answered.

Wifey asked Comrade Carl what he thought about the article and he said: "it's a bit superficial, and as a Marxist, I find a lot of the ideas pretty repulsive, to be frank and earnest".

Little did Carl know that I have 2 brothers, Frank and Earnest.

Then Wifey asked Jennifer what she "read into the article". Jenny was texting (smsing) and did not hear Wifey. Wifey repeated: "Girl stop smsing....what did YOU read into the article". Jenny answered, "Ma'am, I have not read it yet; I am buried over my head of the process of performance evaluations".

Wifey and her husband Stan had a "one on one" (not sexual) and..... Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini no longer reports to Comade Carl Marks; Jennifer will now work directly for me, starting immediately.

I will "carve out" a role for her.

Yet another updated list of characters in this blog.

Who's who?

Tim Buck:  Tim who?



Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux; EVP HR of Immature Products; born in Moose Jaw; her father was Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom; the name Lemieux was taken on by her to be more "global". Gloria is single. Gloria has a Blackberry Q 10. 
Gloria is now banned from entering  R&D, but still manages the entire HR team.
Gloria has two brothers, Frank and Earnest.

Cynthia Axe, often referred to as "a certain Cynthia Axe"; Head of the Early Bird Retirement Plan, American, White, and unilingual.
Axe fires 34 people a week as Immature Products "aligns itself" with success, weekly. Axe has relieved 4000 people of employment in her stellar career.
Axe had a short affair with Stan, the CEO. 
Axe has had several life time partners, the last of which was K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein. See below.
Cynthia Axe helped axe Tim Buck, a pushy chairman who almost pushed Stan aside. Cynthia is now #2 in HR.
In her spare time, she reads text messages and comic books. Her sister is Gertrude Axe.


Carl Marks, Carl is the present Head of R&D and Chief Cultural Czar of Immature Products. He speaks some Russian and understands some Chinese. He is related to one of the former main investors, Tim Buck. Probably, even the Canadians who read this blog may not remember who the  Tim Buck was.
Carl was born in Spokane; no one knows where he studied Engineering. He spent time in Saudia Arabia, building a data base which documented opression of Saudi women. Obviously, Carl is not a Hebrew.


Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini:  Carl's HR business partner. She is from Georgia, USA, white, and multi-lingual but it is never quite sure what languages she speaks besides English. Like Gloria, she texts constantly. She also disses Gloria, constantly. Jennifer is neither Italian nor Greek, but no one knows this, yet. Readers of this blog are advised that it may be worthwhile to purchase life insurance on Jenny's career.

Stan; CEO of Immature Products. Stan's family name is unknown. Stan is white, loves lasagna and is scared shit of his wifey, Wifey.

K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein; Stan's cost-effective chef. He has mixed ethnicity. His Jewish mom was born in Quebec City and his French father was born in NYC! Ha! K Ray was, as of late, a life partner of a certain Cynthia Axe until they split because K Ray feared getting axed one day. Stan loves K Ray's cost effective lasagna.

Wifey; Stan's powerful, brainy, magazine reading wife. The managerial articles she reads inspires Stan to give marching orders to Gloria. Wifey and Jennifer have yet to clash.

Sybil Civil; Wifey's sister who pushed Gloria out of a job but when it came time to fire people;  she turned out to be a socialist and she refused to fire people. Thus, Sybil's career ended at Mt Nebo. At one time, she was in charge of a drama free environment.

Winston Wu;  Senior VP of IT and Big Data. Wu was formerly HR-IT Lead and served as Gloria's representative to Diversity Team. Born in Canada, Wu's grandfather was born (perhaps) in Hong Kong on the Kowloon side in Sha Tin or Kowloon Tong. Wu speaks English only.
Winston has a stormy relationship with Gloria; he was a peer of Gloria's and  then "reported into her". Now he is above Gloria, probably parallel to Carl.
Winston makes more money than Gloria and Wu. 
Winston realizes that Stan has a sexual fetish with Big Data and plays that card well.
Winston resigned when he failed to synch Blackberry Q10 with Google Calendar.

Cynthia and Wifey trade emails

For Ms Axe's behind, thanks to Wifey

To: Wifey
From: Cynthia Axe

Dear Wifey,
I relish our friendship; thank you for the first class tickets to Scotland.
When I return "would it" be possible to have ex Chairman Tim Buck's axe-excutive chair?
You know I have back problems.
I don't want to trouble Gloria with this request.
Cynthia Axe

To: Gloria
From: Wifey
CC: Stan

Gloria,
Please attend to this "as if" it were my request.
WE all own Cynthia a huge debt, don't WE Stanley.
Wifey

Wifey steps in and Jennifer gets a political coach

Wifey, our CEO’s wife, is unhappy for 3 reasons:

Tim Buck, the new Chairman, has weakened her husband Stan's position by appointing Carl Marks, his nephew asR&D Chief.

Carl has used his HR Business Partner, a certain Jennifer Papadopolous-Otelini (who has neither Greek nor Italian heritage) to neutralize me, Gloria Ramsbottom, Stan's EVP HR.

Carl and Jennifer do not act on the management article she reads, the most recent of which is about applying the Confucian principles of unequal relationships on management techniques.

Wifey and the lovely Ms Cynthia Axe, who won “Miss Mississippi” before she entered HR, cut a deal with Wifey. The full extent of the deal is unknown even to me, but part of it become public knowledge today. (Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan and runs our downsizing portal).

Wifey received an envelope from a certain Ms Axe containing photos sent from Tim Buck’s phone. Wifey took the envelope and met with a certain Tim Buck, Chairman of the Board. 

Mr. Buck, always acutely aware of the need for a balanced lifestyle, asked the Board to relieve him of his duties “so I can spend more time with my beloved wife of 38 years and 15 grandchildren”.  

All signs of Mr Buck’s existence in Immature Products were destroyed; his email shut down, and he was never seen again. Before he left, Mr. Buck donated 10 M dollars to Immature Products' cash flow. Mr. Buck’s career was buried in Mt Nebo, near the tomb of the career of Sybil Civil.

Mr. Buck’s telephone ( a platinum Blackberry Q10) was given to Cynthia Axe, who was promoted to 2^nd in command of HR. Ms Axe left for Glasgow Scotland, with a first class ticket , for a week vacation. Scotland is near England.

Carl Marks, Head of R&D, noted the events and spent the afternoon consulting with Jennifer Papadopolous-Otelini, who calmed Carl down: “all this doesn’t matter, Comrade Carl. I will cook Gloria’s goose.”

Carl noted that Jenny needs a political coach.