Gloria, Cynthia And Hugh White, who is too white to be seen-all to be become Change Managers
As of Friday, HR will add on a new Change Management Department, to manage many of the axe-pected changes in our not so firm firm.
We have no budget for new hires so all HR managers will double as change managers; each HR-Change manager will get a slide pack of 45 templates to enable leadership of major changes.
Here are the axe-pected changes we will be driving:
1) Comrade Carl Marks may be replaced at R&D VP, although Carl does not know it. Not even CEO Stan knows it. I know it. That's enough.
2) Big Data will grow bigger. (I am sexually attracted to big data). Every action we take will be justified using big data. The first change we need to make is to ensure we know what big data means.
3) Sales will be reorganized into a matrix organization, and then reorganized into business units, then everyone will be fired and we will have another reorganization. We will keep reorganizing until we have a product to sell.
4) HR will reorganize as follows:
- Cynthia Axe will be named "second driver" to me, and will fill in for me when I am away. I am never away. Ms Axe will continue to lead our Early Bird Retirement Plan, which will be axe-panding. (The Uncle Jang Premium Retirement Club will be better branded. Folks fired in the framework of the Uncle Jang Club are escorted out of our resilient building).
- Hugh White (the white, bizarre heterosexual who lead Diversity) may also deal with "regular" white and straight employees who have a hard to understand accent in English.
- Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux will lead the Change Management Department, reporting into herself directly. For the first year, Gloria herself will double as Chief Change Manager and EVP HR.
4) CEO Stan's Wifey will take on a more active role in leading our company, perhaps.
5) A tender to certify (within a 2 day training period) the very talented Gloria as Senior Change Manager will be published very soon.
Having Change Management under my wing strengthens my standing and ensures that my seat at the table is sustainable, as well as resilient.
I have been told that Change Management is practical and delivers all changes on time. In CM, there is no dithering/lingering about feelings/emotions like there is in OD. Change Management just gets things done. Mais oui!