New retention strategies for #IoT nerds

New retention tool-Gangnam style

I remember reading in a "news-by-text" item that described how North Korea's leader Comrade Kim Jong Un (one) used a heavy hand against his Uncle Jang when he "re-positioned" his beloved Uncle, Gangnam Style. 

I am so glad I read that item.

Heavily influenced by Kim Jong Un (one), our CEO Stan told me to "raise morale or get demoted".

Stan and I exchanged text messages this evening and we agreed that "length of service" will be a key indicator of morale. We also agreed that my  focus on improving morale will be in the Internet of Things Group.

I got some interesting Big Data from that white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White. 

White told me that 99.9% of the work force in that group are foreigners, mainly from India, Russia, the Ukraine, Lahore, Israelites, Faroe Islanders , Egypt, China, Quebec, Scotland and Thailand. Less that 1% have landed immigrant status. (Lahore is a city, not the French word for prostitute).

Hugh White and I delved into a deep discussion, Gangman Style. I prefer not to discuss  the content of discussion, in line with our key value of Discretion. (Our values are updated weekly.)  

Hugh was treated for injuries sustained when his head hit an object. Finally, we reached concrete agreements and the following text was sent to all engineers today:

• In line with of core Values of being a  People Company, Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs Diversity) has opened a "Passport Safekeeping Service". Kindly deposit your passport quickly with Hugh (White) before the year ends, in line with our core value of Responsiveness. Minimal $5 a year custodian fee is charged, with Faroe Islands, Quebec and Scotch passports discounted at $4.50. Check to be payable to GLOBAL- HR-BUSINESS-PARTNERSHIP.

Hugh's Passport Safekeeping Service will have opening hours between 0800 and 0810 every five years.

Employees who cannot fulfill this request should contact the Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan, Ms Cynthia Axe, when she returns this afternoon from Pyongyang.

ESO-Employee Stock Options: Our Policy

My role is becoming complex; the heat is "on"

I was having my nails done when CEO Stan sent me a text to "come and join me for lunch". Stan was eating his cost effective lasagna, prepared by his personal chef of mixed ethnicity, K. Ray Beauregard-Goldstein.

By the time I got to his office, there was no lasagna left, cost effective or otherwise. K Ray ensures that no extras are left over, which would drive up costs and portray Stan in a negative light.

As I approached Stan's desk, I saw that Stan was reading his favourite new website, which he immediately closed. Stan had some sauce on his quadruple chin. (Stan gobbles cost effective lasagna 14 times a week.)

"The time has come to offer options, Gloria. I propose 3 levels of options:"

1) For non English speakers: you have an option to get yourself an American accent, or get out. "And I do not care what that white boy of yours from Diversity says". Stan was referring to Head of Diversity, Hugh White.

2) For the Big Data Engineers: you all have an option to crank out a product within a month, or go home to Bangle-Or, Tel Aviv, or Lahore, which is not the French word from prostitute.

3) "And I am giving YOU and YOUR bloody HR department an option, Glo. Raise morale or get demoted."

Stan then took an urgent call from an irate client, and he sent me on my way- I need to get practical and make this look like it is implementable.

Make it work, Gloria

CEO Stan has a new and telling photo on his desk

A great leader looking at his Uncle, before "re positioning and "re branding".

This telling and global photo stands between that of his beloved Wife (who reads far too many management articles) and the photo of Stan hugging me as I got a seat at the Mahogany Table as Senior VP of HR.

One of my junior deputies, a certain Ms. Axe (Cynthia) is now studying re-positioning techniques in Pyongyang on a one week fellowship.

Non shocking results for Jan Organizational Survey-2016

I remain well - loved! Mais oui!

Here is a short summary of the semi wow results of the January 2016 organizational survey, sent by text to all employees.

•      CEO Stan is disappointed about all followership, except from his HR Business Partner.
•    Stan’s worst complaint was about “Communication”. “I cannot understand any of the meetings with our nerds, because only 7% speak proper English". 
•    Procurement is very disappointed with our Vendors, who have preferred to stop supplies as opposed to going into receivership.
•    100% of all Danes in our company are "very happy". 
•    MOST DETESTED employee is Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan; her cleavage was voted "Cleavage of the Year”.
•   Training and Talent Management webinars were voted “sleeping aid” of the year.
•   100% of management sampled believes we have the “wrong people on the bus”.
•    HR was voted the most responsive function in our company, “especially when it comes to downsizing”.
•    100% of people sampled love my hyphenated name, and legs.
•    I have lost the results to the question, “Does HR kiss Stan’s rear end or care for the masses”?
•    Big Data Chief Comrade Carl Marks was voted Manager of the Year by non-native English speakers.  
•    0.16% of French nationals in our company believe my Quebec accent in French is "charming".
•     Most popular management slogan is zenga zenga.

We may discuss the results in a “Whatsapp” chat room some time in Q1, 2019.

Top North Korean Management Techniques that Stan is axe-amining

Gangnam Style

Since Kim Jong Un successfully re-positioned his Uncle Jang and reorganized so effectively, CEO Stan has been reading North Korean leadership "literature", in the spirit of globalism, and in line with our core values of "emulating best practices".

Stan shared the following thoughts with me by text this morning.

1) After we axe people Gloria, do we ensure that the organization learns and develops? Here, people don't give a s--t any more when people are axed. Is your hatchet woman Cynthia Axe too soft?Aren't people appreciative that have they have a job? Ms Ramsbottom-Lemieux, I DO imagine that Kim's other uncles (or Aunts) don't want to be re-positioned! 

2) Do people  clap hard enough when I enter the room? Where is the respect for me, EVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom? Where? 

Isn't respect in HR's court?

3) I've read that the army "transfers" the prettiest girls to the capital.

So I ask you, Gloria R Lemieux, do we as a company have "the best of the best"? No we do not. Our Sales folks are clinically depressed and no one in R&D speaks proper English.

And you are my HR manager!

Then Stan texted me again: "Shape up Gloria. People are too complacent here".

I am wondering if I am about to be re-positioned, Gangnam style.

You can follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom.

Cynthia Axe to be trained in North Korea

Gangnam Style

A limber Cynthia Axe has been given stretch goals for 2014.

Ms Axe heads our semi Voluntary Early Bird Retirement Program.

Ms Axe needs to thin out the ranks by 38%, increase morale, and implement a talent management program for a bunch of losers. This is not a simple task; she needs some training.

I get a Best Practices Downsizing Text Service. 

The service has recommended North Korea as a center of HR axe-cellence for "right-sizing", based on Kim Jong Un "re-positioning of his dear uncle".  

(After  re-positioning and re-branding his Uncle, the Uncle was called "despicable human scum ... worse than a dog" who perpetrated "acts of treachery in betrayal of such profound trust and warmest paternal love shown by the party and the  leader for him.")

Stan has called a meeting with me and Caucasian heterosexual  Hugh White (Diversity Chief) to see "what this all means in terms of how we operate". Stan means we need to perhaps learn from the North Koreans, in the spirit of globalism.

Cynthia Axe is off to Pyongyang, North Korea, after Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs Diversity) gives her some cultural training. The training takes 3 minutes.

For those who do not know (like our parochial White Sales Force), there are 2 places called Korea. In Korea, many people share the same family name, like Park or Kim, which makes HR data management very tough, so we use input from Big Data and Internet of Things.

Preparing to welcome Axe

You can follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom.

Bridging Communication Gaps Via Global Communication Procedure

Defining away complexity is a sustainable part of HR's role

Following a communication fiasco between R&D and Sales which ended in the flinging of 3 hot pizzas into the open space of Sales by angry Indian, Chinese, Russian and Israelite nerds, CEO Stan texted me to "put together a procedure to prevent this type of event from happening again".

I sent this text to "all":

1. The preferred channel of communication is texting, or Whatsapp groups.
2. Meeting face to face is done only if there is no other choice.
3. Messages should be no more than 20 words, crisp and civil.
4. Each text should have one, simple to understand idea.
5. Texts can be sent in English or poor English ; the Russian language is banned.
6. If you have an accent, and cannot pronounce certain letters like W, you must spell properly anyVay.
7. Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, gives exemptions from proper spelling.

You can follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom.

Our CEO is in trouble

I may not be sitting in this chair for too long

Let's be frank and earnest as we approach the end of this year, unless you are Chinese, Islamic or Jewish. (Hugh White from Diversity informed me that Jews, Chinese and Islamists  have their own year). 

This has NOT been a wow wow wow  year. There is a cash flow problem, the products we have deployed are called "half cooked crap" by our key clients and our new products are "embryonic", although the plan is that they will integrate with internet of things.

Is this wow? No, it is semi wow, if you believe in appreciative inquiry.

Thus, when the Chairman of the Board (Edward Montpetit-Maplewood)  asked to have lunch with me, it was not only in order to glimpse at my legs, which he does all the time since he is a lecher. The Chairman wanted to examine CEO Stan's discretionary budget.

Maplewood noted that CEO Stan has a personal chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein (who cooks cost effective lasagna); Maplewood then pointed out that that Stan flies First Class and often takes Wifey with him; Maplewood also knows that that Stan has a global, sustainable private elevator and a parking spot with no one parked to his left or right. While this is not Big Data, it is interesting data. And it is part of internet of things.

Maplewood-Montpetit asked me "How do you explain all this "wastage" to our battle-fatigued troops, Madame Lemieux"? (I do not know why he calls me that-he knows I am single).

I told our Chairman that our troops adore Stan, and as HR manager, my problem is not his axe-pense account but the mass's hero worship of Stan. (I know full well who butters my croissant).

After we finished our meal in his private dining room, the Chairman stopped gawking at my cleavage and said, "Madame Ramsbottom-Lemieux, speak to Stan and tell him that YOU want him to provide better personal example by reducing his extravagant ways. Don't mention me, s'il vous plait".

Chairman Edward Montpetit-Maplewood is NOT French. His grandparents were born in Montreal but he is from Boston. His French is neither global, or sustainable. However, he is a master manipulator. And he reads novels about the internet of things.

But I was not born yesterday. 

You can follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom.

Enhancing Employee Loyalty and Engagement

The job market is in the employers' favour:

Do I really care about loyalty?

In order to play lip service to employee engagement in 2014, I have transferred responsibility of this to our "Public Relations Department", which reports into CEO Stan's filing clerk, who is on maternity leave.

Employee Loyalty & Engagement entails too much sloganeering, and HR under my thought leadership avoids sloganeering almost totally. This does not mean that we do not want it to happen. Mais non!

We even want our alumni to remain engaged and loyal. Our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan will be greatly enhanced this coming year, and I have asked Ms Cynthia Axe to ensure the well-being (bien-etre in French) of our new recruits,many of whom quickly will become alumni. We hope that they remain loyal alumni and good will ambassadors after their short stint with us, which enhances their career.

Furthermore, I "reach out" to Procurement Management to ensure supplier loyalty, whilst keeping the suppliers on a tight leash.

I reach out to Hugh White, that white heterosexual boy who runs my Diversity Department, to ensure that our minority groups remain loyal so that we can pass government audits. I ask Hugh to ensure our Switchboard is our showcase of Diversity by hiring a hard to understand Scot or Thai.

I also beg Hugh to encourage loyalty of engineers who speak English with no foreign accent. We need a better understanding of what goes on in conference calls.

The worst article I ever read

R&D Chief Carl Marks is a lecher and a fool

Comrade Carl Marks, the filthy lecher, sent this article to "all" by text. Carl asked that the staff email him their re-axe-tions,cc'ing Gloria, and CEO Stan.

http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20131118060732-64875646-why-we-no-longer-need-hr-departments#!

I was sure that the 3rd world  OD consultant I detest wrote it, but I was wrong.

Measuring Performance Hourly

Measuring is more important than texting

CEO Stan called me into his office today for a short on-one-one. Stan was stuffing his fat face with cost effective lasagna prepared by his personal chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein, who has mixed ethnicity.

Stan said ``Glo, starting now, HR must  measure performance weekly. HR will both drive & coordinate this effort, instead of all that Diversity nonsense that you and Hugh White deal with``. 

Then he continued: ``I want an on-line measuring mechanism to ensure we have 3 IT go-lives weekly, 30 people are downsized daily, big data engineers learn English and morale quadruples. 

He summed up: "If needed, measure everything by the hour until all parameters improve. THESE ARE YOUR STRETCH GOALS, Ms Gloria RAMBOTTOM-LEMIEUX.`` 

I was shocked when Stan then asked me in French, `Tu as compris?`` That means, `Do you get it?``

I had no idea Stan speaks French. He is from the US Midwest. I find the Americans to be linguistically limited.

I am from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, which is in the middle of nowhere in Canada. My Dad Pierre Elliot's mother, Chantal, was from Quebec and Dad spoke to me in French until my brothers Frank and Ernest were born.

Season Greetings -Joyeuses Fêtes from our HR team

Mais oui!

Souhaits chaleureux pour un Joyeux Noël et une Bonne Année.
Notre équipe mondiale (Ramsbottom-Lemieux, Cynthia Axe et Hugh Blanc-White)

Warm wishes for a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Our global team (Ramsbottom, Axe and White)

Hold Leaderships' white feet to the fire, as it were

Stretch goals

CEO Stan reviewed the Q1 2016 estimated earnings report today. 

Stan's anger was so immense, that it was classified as Big Data.Stan convened a meeting of R&D, what's left of Sales as well as his valued Business Partners in HR.

Stan re-introduced the concept of stretch goals, using 3 brief sentences:

1) We are migrating to "stretch goals" as of now.

2) 90% of all goals for  2016 must be stretch goals.

3) No one is exempt from Stretch Goals except Big Data, but the amount of Data we now have is "already too much".

Stan gave 4 wow examples of stretch goals:

1) For procurement-push 3 suppliers a week into receivership. This is in line with our core values of profit sharing.

2) For Sales, sell products which don't f--k--g exist. 

3) For HR, treble the recruitment to our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan and quadruple the morale.

4) All engineers speak English so "I can understand the damn con calls."

And then Stan wrapped up the meeting: "Gloria, I will hold your pretty feet to the fire to make these stretch goals happen; I don't care if you have to hire an orthopedic surgeon to enable better stretching "

Addressing the skill gap in the Sales Department

I am enriching Hugh's job

CEO Stan sent me a text at 500 am to convene an urgent meeting this morning. The meeting started at 0530 AM.

The participants were EVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux (c'est moi), Comrade Carl Marks, EVP R&D, and the nameless former Head of Sales, who gave notice last week after a 5 days stint.

Comrade Carl Marks ensured us that our new product will be almost nearly bug-free by August 2014. CEO Stan said that "until August", there is a "skill gap" between the present capabilities of the sales force and the challenges the sales force is facing, namely getting sales on this semi-stable product.

Comrade Carl gazed at Stan and said, "Skill gap back-filling is an HR issue, Boss. Do I need to be here?" Stan immediately released Comrade Carl from the meeting. Carl hurried off to his Ukrainian language lessons, so he can understand the 50 cost effective engineers we hired there last week.

Stan then said to me, "Glo, this is an HR matter-fix the skill gap for me, by the end of this week.

Hugh White, the white and heterosexual Head of Diversity, needs some job enrichment. I shall fully delegate this simple task to Hugh, although I will guide him to use Big Data as well as innocuous facts.

Less libido for nerds

                                                     Lowering Engineers Libido

Heterosexual and Caucasian Hugh White, my very dejected Head of Diversity, emerged from his yearly one-on-one with CEO Stan. The hue of Hugh's skin was whiter than ever.

I love people, so I "reached out" and invited White to my office to debrief. 

Hugh had presented his 2016 goals which entailed an "End to End Diversity Program" for our company.  But Stan "refocused" Hugh's plan, telling him to ensure that the Switchboard and Drivers from supply chain are compliant with government diversity requirements and c'est tout, which is French.

Hugh told me that 5 minutes into his one on one, Stan took a phone call from a irate supplier. After the call, Stan instructed Hugh: "Please make sure we have a few normal people in Procurement".

Then, Stan dictated 3 major priorities for Diversity, emphasizing that "I, not Gloria, am your major stakeholder, Hugh".

   Goal 1-Less sexual libido for Internet of Things nerds till the product is stabilized (Diversity is also about Sexuality, isn't it White?)

   Goal 2-Accent training for Russian and Chinese Engineers, so that they can speak "normal regular English". ("I cannot understand a f----ing thing they say, White")

   Goal 3-Giving foreigners "English nicknames" so we know if they are male or female, (How am I supposed to know if Jie is a male or female, for Ch---t's sake"?)

   Goal 4-Ensure the alignment of Diversity with government policy, in line with our core value of no litigation.

People-free HR

On the way to people-free HR

Starting today, all performance evaluation will be done by text.

This is in line with our key values of "user-friendly" and "people-free HR". (We update our scared core values weekly, based on input from big data, seasoned with my animal like instincts.)

Several factors have led to this decision:

1) Heavy accents make oral communication too lengthy. Our Russian, Indian, Thai and Israeli engineers level of English makes texting the preferred "venue" of communication, venue being a French word.

2) Performance Evaluation "enabled" by text bypasses the aggravating requests for salary increases by Russian engineers who want to send money home. 

3) Performance Evaluation "enabled" by text ends the need to deal with the Israeli tendency to argue with their ranking.

3) Texting will keep the process brief. This brevity is in line with the next version of upcoming HR mission statement-To talk may be human, but to text briefly is divine.

You can follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom.

No one speaks Russian except the Russians.

People gossip because of my importance as a Business Partner

Hugh White (the white heterosexual boy who runs my Diversity department) came into my room to caution me about nasty rumours.

This surprised me because I do not fall under any of the categories that Hugh White supports. I am a regular girl from Moose Jaw, which is in Saskatchewan, who became a senior HR manager by "dint" of my career as a procurement agent, secretary, and my deep love of people. Dint is a nice word, n'est pas?

After Hugh updated me about the vicious rumours, I was shocked so I  called my reputation coach, who also pumps gas and teaches appreciative inquiry. My coach told me to issue the following clarification:

I want to shed light on the content of my relationship with Comrade Boris Ivanovitch. It is true that Comrade Boris Ivanovitch from Engineering drops by my office from time to time. Yes, Comrade Boris asks for some privacy and we close the door. Some of our discussions last for more than a few minutes. After all, I am an Human Resources specialist.

Comrade Boris Ivanovich has a daughter named Anushka. She studies ballet. My mother, Constance Ramsbottom, is a ballet teacher in Moose Jaw. And yes, I did dance in  ballet when I was public school.  I am trying to arrange for my mother to look at Anushka's dancing and  access how "far Anushka can go". That is almost the only thing we discuss.

Furthermore, Comrade Boris Ivanovitch loves music. And since he is here on relocation and he works very hard, he is unaware of where he can quench his love for music. My brothers, Frank and Ernest Ramsbottom, have a band. I believe that they can contribute to Comrade Boris' quality of life until he returns to Russia in a year. This is the second subject we discuss.

The third subject we discuss is blockchain, a joint interest we both share. Comrade Boris loves blockchains, especially the Austrian variety.

It is almost not true that I am taking Russian lessons. I know a word or two, because one evening, Comrade Boris Ivanovitch brought in his daughter to say hello and they spoke some Russian in my office; I picked up a few words.

I stand by our English language police-Y and I reaffirm that no one speaks Russian except the Russians.

My relationship with Comrade Boris Ivanovitch is professional, and in line with our core value of comradeship. 

Spasiba!

English Language Policy Updated

Russian names all sound the same

CEO Stan had a meeting with the blockchain nerds to understand why our new product release is still in "pre-embryonic phase".

Most of the participants in the meeting were Indian, Thai, Chinese, Israeli and Russian; their English was neither global, sustainable nor in line with our core values. 

Stan was sweating like a pig in the meeting, and I counted 14 as the number of times he asked our most talented employee, Comrade Ivan Shostakovitch Stechanovitz Rabinovitz to "repeat himself".

Stan texted me during the meeting "What the f--k is he saying, Glo". I cannot spell the f word because Americans read this blog.

After the meeting, Stan told me: "I doubt that Igor (he meant Ivan) or any of them will ever learn how to speak proper English. Gloria, do something about this. You are Chief People Officer."

Here is my action plan, which I texted "to all".

1) English is the Global Language of business;  German can used only when a huge amount of data is needed.
2) An American accent is standard global English.

3) KPI's will encompass proper global English accents.

4) Hugh White (the white straight boy who manages Diversity) will ensure that English is more important than sexuality or race in our selection  criteria.

5) Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) will enforce. What she will enforce is not clear.

Today we care for our people. It's People Day

I also slummed around with Sarah Barracuda

Management spent time with the troops today in a hastily assembled "People Day", following a PR nightmare.

Hugh White from Diversity suggested all managers speak to people "they would not normally  associate with" and this is what we did! 

Hugh was very jocund after we adopted his proposal. I know the word "jocund" from crossword puzzles.

Cynthia People Axe (Involuntary  Early Bird Retirement) spent a few hours with our talented Engineers in the very small "Worldly American" Conference Room.

Diversity Chief Hugh People White spent some time with English speaking Caucasian engineers who celebrate Christmas. He did so in the huge "Export Democracy to the Mid East" Room.

R&D Chief Nerd Comrade Carl "People" Marks spent some times with Sales People in the "Free Faroe Islands" Room. Carl was treated for injuries and released with 2 broken ribs and a black eye.

CEO Stan X (name not known) spent his time (on his cell phone) with customer service engineers whilst stuck in the elevator. Stan told me that "they whined about the challenges of servicing an undocumented and non existing product".

I spent my time in my office, texting a corporate communique and reading my texts. However, one of my low level clerks, Sarah Barracuda, the Head of Procurement, came by and she gossiped about 4 vendors she has driven into receivership.

I am getting to like Sarah. She is a people person after all.

People is our middle name

I got indigestion

A scathing article in "The Star"was published today, castigating our CEO Stan for firing "his dedicated staff in an indiscriminate fashion".

The journalist had good sources. She was aware that whilst I lobby for the human resource, Stan our CEO and a certain Ms Cynthia Axe (who heads HR's Early Bird Retirement Plan) are in constant "cahoots" to reshape our not so firm firm.

Stan and I had an urgent lunch to discuss our re-ax-tion to the article. To be accurate, Stan had lunch and I got indigestion.

Stan told me that "by the end of the week, Gloria R. Lemieux, we are a people company! Do you f-----g hear me? (Many decent god fearing Americans read this blog, so I cannot spell the F word.)

Making our firm into a People Company requires good PR. So I shot off the following text to "all" our regular employees, and asked Hugh White from Diversity to forward the text/sms to all irregular employees.

Stan reiterates we are a People Company. Stan loves each and every one of you, even the engineers who are not performing and the depressed Sales team, and the G&A free-lunchers. N-axt week, Friday will be People Day. Our mission statement and core value of the week is: Stan is not deceitful; he loves all our people. Signed, Gloria, Chief People Officer

Dress Code needed as Cynthia flashes cleavage

I need to keep abreast of developments

As if I did not have enough issues, I have received 3 emails about dress code; all emails included warm-over data.

The first email related to the cleavage displayed by a certain Ms Cynthia Axe. The email was sent by a nerd who was asked to join the Early Bird Retirement Plan. He claimed that due to the cleavage issue, he could not comprehend the value of the joining the Early Bird Retirement Plan which Ms Axe was attempting to explain.

The second email came to me anonymously; however I know that the lecherous Chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, sent the email to our CEO Stan. Carl claimed that "Gloria's exposed stems" distracted him in management meetings. 

The third email came to me via Diversity Chief, Hugh White. Hugh claimed that some of the born again folks feel threatened by the tight jeans that some our Russian female engineers wear. Hugh did not stipulate the ethnicity or sexual preference of the born again folks, so I ask myself, why do I need a Diversity Manager?

Using a Swiss blockchain, I will formulate a dress code that will be consistent with our core values, which are updated weekly. I will keep the Caucasian, strait, diversity Chief Hugh White in the loop, but I will curtail his (waning) influence. 

I shall instruct Ms Axe to keep abreast of people's sensitivities, whatever that means.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom