Lowering Engineers Libido
Heterosexual and Caucasian Hugh White, my very dejected Head of Diversity, emerged from his yearly one-on-one with CEO Stan. The hue of Hugh's skin was whiter than ever.
I love people, so I "reached out" and invited White to my office to debrief.
Hugh had presented his 2016 goals which entailed an "End to End Diversity Program" for our company. But Stan "refocused" Hugh's plan, telling him to ensure that the Switchboard and Drivers from supply chain are compliant with government diversity requirements and c'est tout, which is French.
Hugh told me that 5 minutes into his one on one, Stan took a phone call from a irate supplier. After the call, Stan instructed Hugh: "Please make sure we have a few normal people in Procurement".
Then, Stan dictated 3 major priorities for Diversity, emphasizing that "I, not Gloria, am your major stakeholder, Hugh".
Goal 1-Less sexual libido for Internet of Things nerds till the product is stabilized (Diversity is also about Sexuality, isn't it White?)
Goal 2-Accent training for Russian and Chinese Engineers, so that they can speak "normal regular English". ("I cannot understand a f----ing thing they say, White")
Goal 3-Giving foreigners "English nicknames" so we know if they are male or female, (How am I supposed to know if Jie is a male or female, for Ch---t's sake"?)
Goal 4-Ensure the alignment of Diversity with government policy, in line with our core value of no litigation.