Friday, 13 December 2013

English Language Policy Updated

Russian names all sound the same
CEO Stan had a meeting with the #IoT/System Architects and Big Data Engineers to understand why the new product release is still in "pre-embryonic phase".

Most of the participants in the meeting were Indian, Thai, Chinese Israeli and Russian; their English was neither global, sustainable or in line with our core values. 

Stan was sweating like a pig in the meeting, and I counted 14 as the number of times he asked our most talented employee, Comrade Ivan Shostakovitch Stechanovitz Rabinovitz to "repeat himself".

Stan texted me during the meeting "What the f--k is he saying, Glo". I cannot spell the f word because Americans read this blog.

After the meeting, Stan told me: "I doubt that Igor (he meant Ivan) or any of them will ever learn how to speak proper English. Gloria, do something about this. You are Chief People Officer."

Here is my action plan, which I texted "to all".

1) English is the Global Language of business;  German can used only when a huge amount of data is needed.
2) An American accent is standard global English.
3) KPI's will encompass proper global English, including axe-cent.
4) Hugh White (the white straight boy who manages Diversity) will ensure we do not get audited on language policy.
5) Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) will enforce. What she will enforce is not clear.
6) Recruitment will be aligned with item #1...only when Americans start becoming good engineers. In the meantime, all Americans seem to be in Sales and HR!

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