Enhancing Employee Loyalty and Engagement

The job market is in the employers' favour:

Do I really care about loyalty?

In order to play lip service to employee engagement in 2014, I have transferred responsibility of this to our "Public Relations Department", which reports into CEO Stan's filing clerk, who is on maternity leave.

Employee Loyalty & Engagement entails too much sloganeering, and HR under my thought leadership avoids sloganeering almost totally. This does not mean that we do not want it to happen. Mais non!

We even want our alumni to remain engaged and loyal. Our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan will be greatly enhanced this coming year, and I have asked Ms Cynthia Axe to ensure the well-being (bien-etre in French) of our new recruits,many of whom quickly will become alumni. We hope that they remain loyal alumni and good will ambassadors after their short stint with us, which enhances their career.

Furthermore, I "reach out" to Procurement Management to ensure supplier loyalty, whilst keeping the suppliers on a tight leash.

I reach out to Hugh White, that white heterosexual boy who runs my Diversity Department, to ensure that our minority groups remain loyal so that we can pass government audits. I ask Hugh to ensure our Switchboard is our showcase of Diversity by hiring a hard to understand Scot or Thai.

I also beg Hugh to encourage loyalty of engineers who speak English with no foreign accent. We need a better understanding of what goes on in conference calls.