Monday, 30 December 2013

ESO-Employee Stock Options: Our Policy

My role is becoming complex; the heat is "on"

I was having my nails done when CEO Stan sent me a text to "come and join me for lunch". Stan was eating his cost effective lasagna, prepared by his personal chef of mixed ethnicity, K. Ray Beauregard-Goldstein.

By the time I got to his office, there was no lasagna left, cost effective or otherwise. K Ray ensures that no extras are left over, which would drive up costs and portray Stan in a negative light.

As I approached Stan's desk, I saw that Stan was reading his favourite new website, which he immediately closed. Stan had some sauce on his quadruple chin. (Stan gobbles cost effective lasagna 14 times a week.)

"The time has come to offer options, Gloria. I propose 3 levels of options:"

1) For non English speakers: you have an option to get yourself an American accent, or get out. "And I do not care what that white boy of yours from Diversity says". Stan was referring to Head of Diversity, Hugh White.

2) For the Big Data Engineers: you all have an option to crank out a product within a month, or go home to Bangle-Or, Tel Aviv, or Lahore, which is not the French word from prostitute.

3) "And I am giving YOU and YOUR bloody HR department an option, Glo. Raise morale or get demoted."

Stan then took an urgent call from an irate client, and he sent me on my way- I need to get practical and make this look like it is implementable.

Make it work, Gloria

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