Tuesday, 31 December 2013

New retention strategies for #IoT nerds

New retention tool-Gangnam style

I remember reading in a "news-by-text" item that described how North Korea's leader Comrade Kim Jong Un (one) used a heavy hand against his Uncle Jang when he "re-positioned" his beloved Uncle, Gangnam Style. 

I am so glad I read that item.

Heavily influenced by Kim Jong Un (one), our CEO Stan told me to "raise morale or get demoted".

Stan and I exchanged text messages this evening and we agreed that "length of service" will be a key indicator of morale. We also agreed that my  focus on improving morale will be in the Internet of Things Group.

I got some interesting Big Data from that white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White. 
White told me that 99.9% of the work force in that group are foreigners, mainly from India, Russia, the Ukraine, Lahore, Israelites, Faroe Islanders , Egypt, China, Quebec, Scotland and Thailand. Less that 1% have landed immigrant status. (Lahore is a city, not the French word for prostitute).

Hugh White and I delved into a deep discussion, Gangman Style. I prefer not to discuss  the content of discussion, in line with our key value of Discretion. (Our values are updated weekly.)  
Hugh was treated for injuries sustained when his head hit an object. Finally, we reached concrete agreements and the following text was sent to all engineers today:

  • In line with of core Values of being a  People Company, Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs Diversity) has opened a "Passport Safekeeping Service". Kindly deposit your passport quickly with Hugh (White) before the year ends, in line with our core value of Responsiveness. Minimal $5 a year custodian fee is charged, with Faroe Islands, Quebec and Scotch passports discounted at $4.50. Check to be payable to GLOBAL- HR-BUSINESS-PARTNERSHIP.

Hugh's Passport Safekeeping Service will have opening hours between 0800 and 0810 every five years.
Employees who cannot fulfill this request should contact the Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan, Ms Cynthia Axe, when she returns this afternoon from Pyongyang.

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