Saturday, 20 September 2014

3 top questions to nerd health call center

Hugh gets a bonus

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs our Diversity Department, set up a call centre for health issues impacting ALL members of our workforce.
Whenever Hugh White uses the  term "ALL employees" , CEO Stan thinks that HR is not aligned with business needs.

The call centre is operated on a pro bono basis and run out of a local college where one can get a PhD in  Public Health within 6 months, even if you just "dial in" to the lectures. 

All lecturers have a British accent, which makes the studies all the more appealing. (My Dad used to say that the Brits sound smart reading a phone book).

As a matter of fact, this past Friday, CEO Stan's brainy wife Wifey read an article  about our health call centre in the local newspaper. At breakfast she said to her husband, "Stanley, that health call centre makes me proud of you. Pick up a bottle of wine on the way home. And be home by 6 pm".

CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that he gave a "spot bonus" to Hugh White of $5000 for outstanding initiative. 
I tendered my resignation  and Stan lowered the bonus to $3000, at which time I withdrew my resignation.

Today, I dropped by the call center to learn what our needy staff is asking about. Here are a few things I picked up-

1) Comrade Carl Marks is so unstable that when he describes the product road map, I get vertigo. What can I do? (The caller had a heavy Thai accent, yet I understood 105%)

2)  We have an HR manager with gorgeous legs. Sometimes I get very nasty thoughts. Is there a solution? (Heavens! I recognized the voice of old de Villiers, from the Big Data Team)

3) When I sit in the toilet and listen to other people talking in conference calls about big data and cloud computing, I get constipation. Can I sue the company? (The caller, apparently from Sales, appeared to have perfect English.)

My head is spinning. What are the legal implications of this call centre?  Legal affairs top issue all HR managers should think about. I will use a French term; it is our raison d'etre.

old de Villiers must be gawking

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