What happens when no one speaks English

Mais oui-I am so popular

Just a few days before the release of our new product, I walked into Comrade Carl Marks office our R&D Executive Senior VP.

The arrogant Comrade Carl  sat in his room sipping some cognac during a consultation with 2 engineers. One was a (lily White) engineer from the southern tip of Africa named Rene de Villiers and the second was Thiri  (from "somewhere" in Asia), an employee with one name only, whom our ERP HR module registered as a "thing".

Thiri speaks some English (79% is incomprehensible) while old de Villers speaks a weird brand of English where the letter E has disappeared...as in "lits have brikfast". 

Thiri and de Villiers came to Comrade Carl because they did not understand one another. Comrade Carl understands everyone. That's because no one in Engineering speaks real English.

Comrade Carl refused to discuss the engineering problem that de Villiers and Thiri had surfaced. Instead he asked me; "is there any reason R&D should not manage HR, Supply Chain, and Finance"?

Comrade Carl, who appears to have forget his medicines this morning suddenly yelled out, "I am sick and tired of kissing the ass of that bitch Ramsbottom to get more money for bonuses. HR- Pizduk!"

Now Thiri and de Villiers were in a bind...to support me or Comrade Carl.

Instead of supporting Comrade Carl, they walked out as he ranted on. Why did I get this unexpected passive support from the nerds?

• Thiri still cannot get a salary because our ERP only recognizes people with more than one name; each month, I register Thiri as "Thiri Ramsbottom" and I transfer his salary to him.

• De Villiers needs my services because Hugh White, that idiotic white heterosexual from Diversity, claims that de Villiers lacks aid entitlement for relocating from Africa because "you do not look African, de Villiers".