Thursday, 17 April 2014

Installing a bar in Comrade Carl's office

I prefer the downsizing mode!

With the upcoming release of our new product in ten days, sales have started to pick up. 

Albania, South Thailand, parts of rural Ukraine not yet under Russian rule, Chad and Afghanistan have all issued purchase orders. For the first time in 5 years, our revenue will match our expenses. CEO Stan finally feels the rope loosening around his chubby neck .

Growth poses challenges for HR, especially thought leaders like me, who want to do things professionally, keeping costs aligned within budget while creating a wow wow wow environment.
Four (cat in French) events that have taken place over the past day illustrate the semi wow challenges of growth for HR managers.

1) Comrade Carl Marks, R&D chief, has asked for a new company car and chauffeur. Carl also asked for a 'bar' to be installed in his room, and "stocked daily" by the firm. Comrade Carl covered his bases, and cleared the bar with CEO Stan a priori, which is not a French term. I was asked by CEO Stan to approve the bar related bills that Comrade Carl will submit.

Then Stan texted me to "deal with the car issue, Gloria; he is greedy and needs limits. You are good at that". Then, as an afterthought, Stan informed me by text that Comrade Carl Marks was now Senior Executive Vice President.

2) Downsizing diva, Ms Cynthia Axe, knows that she need to replace expensive white US, engineers with cost effective, perfect English speaking Albanians, Afghans and Thais, in line with our sacred value of cheap labour.
Yet, Ms Axe has requested a "job transfer". I "happened" to find a text message she sent her present life partner, which read "I don't want to be Gloria's bitch now that things look better".
Axe wants to get "into" Sales or Change Management.

3) CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that "HR needs to focus on its role of pleasing people, whilst remaining on budget. Also, beef up talent management-we don't have too many smart people here except for Carl and I". 

4) Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity, asked for a raise. He told me that he is "under enormous pressure" from his wife Comrade Ludmilla White, to bring home more money.

A bar please, spasiba

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