Saturday, 6 September 2014

What every IoT geek must demand from HR

Comrade Carl's HR Manifesto

Comrade Carl Marks is the leader of our Emerging Technology Team, aka IoT.

Comrade Carl has a personality disorder which manifests itself in 3 ways: 
1) speaking in a Russian accent although he is an American, 2) disliking HR, and
3) endless rambling that his IoT product is a "pearl" although the clients want to uninstall it due to 87865663 bugs.

Comrade Carl must have had a bad night last night, it appears. He texted me at midnight in Russian! I ignored him as I do all men at that time, following Dad's advice. "What can a man want at midnight?", Dad warned.

Today when I came into work, I saw Comrade Carl distributing leaflets in English, Russian, Hindi, Chinese and Hebrew. 

The leaflet, named "Carl's HR Manifesto", spelt out Carl's view of "what employees should expect from HR".

1) HR should identify with the working class, and not kiss Stan's ass. 
2) High performers should be treated like big data nerds, not squeezed like a fucking lemon.
3) Downsizing should be done in the Finance, HR and Legal organizations.
4) Ms Cynthia Axe should cover up her cleavage when downsizing, despite the sexless nature of the nerd.
5) The head of Diversity should not have a white hue to his skin, nor be heterosexual. Hugh White, the present white boy who staffs Diversity, is a sign of Gloria's insensitivity and negative attitude to the downtrodden working man, and woman.
6) HR documents should be issued in all tribal languages, even Russian. The documents should leverage cloud computing capabilities. (The term Cloud is so sexy).
7) HR should prove its added value daily, or be disbanded.
8) All HR managers should have a background in IT and Law.

10) Gloria has nice legs.

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