New variant causes CEO to panic about coughing at work

Panic 

The emotional stress due to pressure of the banks, Mister Herr Krebb's  non wow revenue projection along with the brand new South African variant of the so-called  corona-virus has led to a bout of coughing in our organization.

In today's management meeting, CEO Stan texted me that Comrade Carl Marks' smokers' cough as well as  my clearing of my throat are "appalling". I understood the clue. Stan is a visionary leader who has an idealized version on how to cough.

However, I took the comment seriously, in line with my core value of maintaining my job in tough times. The white heterosexual whom I hired to run Diversity, Hugh White, was instructed to prepare a white paper on coughing in the work place as well as some concrete recommendations.

For a start, Hugh White read the book by Kaufman and Tousser "Coughing at Work". White also did some research about coughing in our firm. I instructed young white Hugh to distinguish between coughing due to post nasal drip, and pure coughing. Hugh, as always, was semi-obedient.

Having finished his white paper, White asked for a meeting with me to discuss the findings, but I asked him to first text me the his findings.

From reading White's detailed text of 300 words:

• I discovered that straight and gay, white and non-white, are equally impacted by the present coughing bug. 
• One senior lady has a minor cough due to post nasal drip.
• Mr Herr Krebbs coughs in an orderly fashion.
• The French nerds cough sounds intellectual, the British cough "properly", the Americans think they cough the right way while the Hebrews complain the most about coughing. The Australian cough sounds remote whilst the Japanese all cough together. The Danes enjoy coughing and the Spaniards don't cough during their prolonged afternoon nap.

I found Hugh White's report to be totally trite and nonsense; I was about to call White to a meeting when I heard that White had gone home, ill. He was suffering from anxiety.

I need to cut this post short because Chairman Ed just texted me that his son-in-law, Samuel Snake, is about to do an internship in HRIS; the young Mr Snake wants to work on our ERP HR implementation, which is going non non wow.

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