How to understand bad English of smart nerds

When people text, there is no trace of an accent

Following Stan's conference call with the Thai, Israeli, Scotch, Faroe Island and New Delhi office, CEO Stan complained that he understood 3% of what our nerds said.

Stan bellowed at me. "No one in the fuc-ing global company can speak proper global English. That call was a waste of my time, Gloria. You have a huge training budget. What do you do with it, girl? Are you not my business partner? Fix it, Gloria. I want people to speak the Queens' English".

As a global HR business partner in a global firm, I need to deal with core values; "wow communication" is one of our core values. This, I plan to  purchase Internet of Things-based  "accent-cancellation" software to improve our understanding of what is said on con calls. 

The only problem is that we need to configure into the software a core global accent into which all communication will be transformed, and this is controversial.

Comrade Carl Mark, the chief geek who heads the IoT and big data department, wants the core accent to be English with a Russian accent. That makes no sense to me, from an HR perspective. 

Hugh White from Global Diversity wants the core accent to be Global American English, with a "tinge" of all global accents, which shows me how stupid and impractical Hugh White can be at times. (Hugh is a Caucasian and straight.)

I have made my choice, and the core accent will a Scotch accent, from Glasgow. 

My father, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would have jokingly suggested that we use Yingluck Shinawatra's accent  as the core accent, in order to establish a base line. Pop would also tell me to use the word "global" more sparingly.

Wow, wow-wow, and wow-wow-wow-a clarification

Texting enthusiasm 

The positiveness, clarity (and civility) of  organizational communication is a cornerstone on my HR teams' goals.

As the year draws to end, CEO Stan and my team have had a pow wow (not from the word wow) to discuss the communication of three mission critical messages: 

• the wow-wow-wow message (3 wows); 
• the wow-wow message (2 wows) 
• and the wow message (one wow).

The wow-wow-wow message is that our 2019 growth strategy is in place. The growth was to have begun in 2018, but because of the lunar new year which some tribes in our company go by, we pushed out growth by a year.

The wow-wow message is that one of our key clients is considering deploying a (non existent) product, which may ease cash flow within two years, which Stan calls "Bridge Years". (My crude father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would have call this "blowing smoke up your own a--").

The wow message is that our Heath Care Program will shift to preventive health care, our Talent Management Program will be contingent on recruiting talent, and Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan, will have her hands full. Axe will be supported by a Reputation Coach.

Hugh White (Diversity) will ensure the logo of our corporate messages is in white, black and yellow. 

All three wow messages, when rolled into one message, will be considered big (or huge) data.

Coaching Certificate Revoked

Carl ain't gonna coach  no more

One year ago, everyone in our not so firm firm underwent a 3 hour intensive coaching course (by text) to become a Certified Coach.  This enabled everyone to coach everyone, saving valuable dollars on coaching fees.

As Chief People Officer, I became the Chief Coach and the title after my name is OC/ACC. This stands for Officer in Charge of All Certified Coaches. This title became big data.

Today in this capacity, I am revoking the Coaching Certificate of Comrade Carl Marks the Head of R&D. 

Carl  can no longer coach for the period of one year. 

Why?

Not long ago, I drove all fear out of our organization within 48 hours. I instructed all of our executive coaches including Comrade Carl, to "manage the risks of a fear-free environment, in line with our core values". I am not sure what this meant, so I backed it up with an email.

It appears that Comrade Carl did not read my message.  Comrade Carl had a town hall meeting with his gang of engineers, many of whom do not speak English well,  and the following fears were identified:

1) The fear of speaking a tribal dialect (not English) in the dining hall.
2) The fear of a meeting with Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan.
3) The fear of feeling overdosed with the term "in line with our core values".
4) The fear of telling our CEO Stan that his market commitments make no sense.
5) The fear of deploying our new product to a key client due to 20,000 + bugs and an average operating time of 2 nanoseconds before a crash.

Carl then took this stupid and senseless  list, along with his whole team, fearlessly demanded a meeting with Stan, our CEO. (Tabernac!,  that's French)

After the meeting, Stan was "rather upset" with me, as the British would say. He smashed the executive mahogany table using one of Cynthia's spare axes, and he then  told me that I was "totally useless" as an HR business partner. 

CEO Stan asked me, "Did no one ever tell you what I expect from an  HR business partner? I want you to cover my ass, Gloria Lemieux. Put that into your thick skull." 

I went out of his office, fully composed, and CEO Stan sent me a text: "Take corrective action, or else. Stan."

Thus, I have revoked Carl's coaching licence. I personally will coach the R&D team from today.

Fear banished 48 hours

Texting fear out of our organization

Stan's overly active wife, Wifey,  read an article about Fear in Organizations. She texted hubby Stan a terse message: "Stanley, drive fear out of your firm; your fear is why you are failing-Come home with a clear plan, or don't come home at all-Wifey."

Stan texted me (I am his HR business partner) : "Glo-drive fear out of the firm in two days. Wifey is on the war path-don't fail, or else-Stan".

I convened a meeting with the heterosexual white boy Hugh White who heads Diversity and the right honourable Cynthia Axe, our overly zealous down-sizer.

Here is the plan we put together:

1) Project Manager for Operation Fear Not is Cynthia Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan.

2) Mission Statement for Operation Fear Not is: If you feel any fear, from Stan stay clear.

3) Dial FEAR to reach a panic coach on our HR service menu, and you will be transferred to Ms Axe, who has a wow quota of 45 people to fire this month.

4) העיקר לא לפחד כלל-will be inscribed on all coffee cups. That is a tribal saying one of our nerds sent to me in the HR suggestion box.

5) Our core values will be realigned. 

Instead of "Doing the Impossible", it is now "Doing the Impossible Fearlessly".

6) The white straight boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White  will attend to those unfortunate people who cannot be understood in conference calls (Russians, Israelis, Chinese, Indians, Thais and Scots), and ensure that accent training may become available. This will "liberate" people with accent-liabilities from fear of  Stan's anger.

.

Comrade Carl Marks-appointed as Head of Social Responsibility

An organizational announcement, and an editorial

Carl Marks, SVP  R&D and heinous womanizer, was appointed today  SVP of Social Responsibility of our firm Immature Products. Comrade Carl will continue to manage R&D, which he does with lack of d-axe-terity.

Carl studied Engineering when I studied Coaching and Change Management.
To the delight of Hugh White from Diversity, Carl speaks English, no French and some Russian, which is no longer a global language; his fourth wife was Jewish and his present wife (#7) is from Lahore.

Religious institutions will not benefit from Carl's  appointment. Carl is a shameless atheist, as per our devout switchboard operator, who answers "Thank the Lord, you have reached Immature Products". 

Carl's role in Social Responsibility is presently being "carved out",whatever that means. (My suggestion is that Carl donates both kidneys.)

Carl Marks was born and bred and fed and some day, he will be dead with these two roles.

Let us bow our heads and wish him success.

Gloria Ramsbottom and the HR Crew (Cynthia Axe, Hugh White and Sarah Barracuda)

Whilst running an errand for Stan in the Cayman Islands

My Blackberry Q10  worked well in Georgetown

Today, I an errand for Stan; I flew down to to the Cayman Islands in the morning and returned this evening. I took my Blackberry Q10 with me; I had a roaming package. When I returned, a text message awaited me:
"Thanks for being a business partner; love ya -Stan".

Whilst in the Cayman Islands, I visited our Georgetown office and I was shocked that many of staff have the same family name. This may be global, but it is not sustainable. I was at a loss what to do, and I texted my coach. See the end of this post.

Here are the names of the folks in the Cayman Office:

• Stan Ebanks, Country Manager
• Carl Ebanks, Head of R&D
• Gloria Ebanks-Lemieux, Chief People Officer
• Cynthia Ebanks, Head of Early Bird Retirement
• Vlad Ebanks, liaison with Russian team
• Sanjay Ebanks, liaison with Indian team
• Moishe Ebanks, liaison with Israeli team
• Mohammed Ebanks, liaison with Cairo team
• Stephanie Ebanks, liaison to Sicilian team
• K Ray Beauregard-Ebanks, Chef for Stan Ebanks

This is what I texted/sms my coach, and his timely reply.

• "Coach, everyone has the same family name in Grand Cayman-Glo"
• "Glo, things are only what you perceive they are-Coach"

Running an errand for Stan = true business partnership

Certification in Emotional Intelligence

With large mahogany frame, svp (French)

CEO Stan and R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks called me into the Board Room, where they were having an informal pow wow, without my presence! Noted.

Stan was texting his wife (Wifey) via  WhatsApp and he was distracted; it was Comrade Carl Marks who said, "Gloria, Stan has decided that both he and I need to be Certified in Emotional Intelligence from Oxford (or equivalent)  within a week. We want the Certificate to be framed in mahogany wood, and the name of degree we ask for is C.E.M.M., standing for Certified Emotionally Mature Managers. We plan to provide all our big data nerds with EQ certification as well, as an end of year bonus."

My late father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would have said something about this being a "crock of pasteurized bullshit", but 40% of the people who read this blog are politically correct Americans, so I should keep my "trap" shut, as Dad would have said.

Being the focused HR business partner that I am, I contacted a global vendor based in Lahore (that is NOT French for "the prostitute") and the diplomas are on the way.

Personally, I do not need a diploma in EQ. I am data driven.

Nerds ask for post trauma expert

Our vendors need to work in a barter arrangement, even the more famous ones

The internet of things nerds and geeks burst into my room today. Many of these nerds had foreign accents, and it was hard to understand what their "beef" was. 

I managed to grasp that the nerds claim that Comrade Carl has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I told the nerds that he was Marxist-ist, nor Narc-sist.

They demanded that HR hire  a leading diversity consultant to "better manage the limitations of chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks". The nerds also asked me why the Head of Diversity is a White boy named Hugh White.

Because 40% of the readers of this blog are politically correct White liberal Americans, I cannot mention what the nasty nerds also said about our dear CEO, Stan. For some strange reason, they know about his hemorrhoid affliction.

I gave the nerds some coaching (90 second sessions) and I plan to invite a certain agile diversity expert Madelaine Sayko to consult with Comrade Carl Marks and Stan, if she is willing to work in a deferred  barter arrangement.

I asked Hugh White how HR can defend the hue of his skin.

Working during the holiday season

No Russian to be spoken in con calls

In order to ensure that our company works all through the upcoming holiday season, in line with our core values of work work work life balance, CEO Stan and the Board of Directors ok'ed and blessed the following police-Y for December 2013.

1) December 24th-Jan 3rd are non denominational, global holidays, starting immediately. Working during these days will be aligned with our core values of work work work life balance and treasuring diversity.
2) Anyone who does not want to take a break on these days is free not to do so, after an exit interview with the ever-motivated Head of Our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan, Ms Cynthia Axe.
3) Other denominational and Tribal Holidays can be celebrated, after an interview with Ms Axe. We thrive on diversity and our Early Bird Retirement Plan thrives to be diverse as well.
4) New Years can only be celebrated once a year, on January 1st, which is non denominational global new year.
5) We affirm our support for total diversity, and the global use of the English language.
6) No one can speak Russian in conference calls; no one speaks Russian except for a few Russians.
7) Tribal languages may be used in the parking lot.
8) We celebrate Diversity and Globalism.
9) Accent training is to be made available (at the employees axe-pense.) Folks from Scotland are encouraged to take this course.
10) The semi comprehensible  Scot from Glasgow who works at the switchboard and speaks tribal English will meet Ms Axe at noon for a coaching session.

An end to bullying, sexual and otherwise

Getting it right

Wifey (our CEO Stan's better half) read an article on Management Bullying. Wifey whipped out her mobile and texted Stan: "Stop bullying employees, or don't come home tonight".

Stan texted me: "Glo, set up an anti-bullying police-Y for most cases-implement it by 5 pm-Stan".

I convened a meeting with Hugh White (Diversity), Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) and with chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks. After a brainstorming session (during which we all multi-tasked in an agile fashion), we issued the following agile definition of bullying, effective immediately.

Definition of Bullying: 

• Speaking tribal dialects instead of English at work
• Having a European, Asia, or foreign accent in a con call so people need to ask "Can you repeat that"?
• Overdosing on work life life life balance so that projects are delayed. 
• Refusing to text whilst driving (on work related issues)
• Rumour mongering about HR business partnership being "kissing Stan's rear end"
• Closing your phone whilst having sex during client crisis

In our next meeting, we will set up a plan to root out bullying, in line with our core values of "a wow place to work".

Until the next meeting, Hugh White (Diversity) will gather bullying related information based on ethnicity, colour, creed, &  other big data.

Vendors sought to prepare 3 new global webinars

Who needs Training or OD?

I am looking for cost effective vendors willing to be paid by barter to prepare 3 webinars for our R&D development team, currently almost "struggling" to define the next release of our defunct product.

1) "A Problem is a Problem only if you think it is a problem"
This webinar  should be 90 seconds, with subtitles in Russian, Chinese, Hebraic, Urdu, Croatian, Ukrainian and Tamil. English should be clear and understandable,  not like a Scotch accent.
The goal of this webinar is to motivate the lazy, slovenly, laid back and non-wow bums who get paid for sending texts and doing Facebook, instead of saving our company.
This is one of the last webinars we will "do" in Russian. No one speaks Russian anymore, except for a few Russians. No con-calls are ever held in Russian.

2) "HR Business Partnership ensures success"
This mission critical webinar should be 30 minutes and illustrate the value of HR: business partnership, diversity and respect for most people, re-sizing and COPensation, and almost vendor-less OD to drive Change Management. The word ""Big Data " and its affinity to HR should be mentioned 5 times.

3) From high level design to product 
This is a technical webinar, which does not interest me. I am a Business Partner. And our budget for this is very limited.

All the actors should be English speaking or have a slight accent, preferably not Scotch from Glasgow.
Most actors from most minority groups can apply, since Hugh White needs to ensure these global webinars are Diversity Compliant.

PS: These webinars are but one of the nails in OD's sustainable coffin. The other nails are:

•  Unbundling of HR services
•  Cooking courses
•  Outdoor axe-periences
•  Cost effective coaching done by plumbers and electricians, who rewire the brain and release "thought blockages".

The Lord gave us anger

Carl is smoking an electronic cigarette

The other day, R&D big data  chief Carl Marks, gawked at my legs. 

My father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say to my Mom "let bygones be bygones, Constance", so I quickly put aside the pent up rage, fury and anger I felt when that filthy lecher Comrade Carl looked my stems. But I do hold a minor grudge, mind you.

I happened to spot Comrade Carl with an electronic cigarette both in the men's room and in a meeting room. 

This highly offensive and despicable  behaviour is not like gawking at my legs like a horny swine.  Electronic cigarettes need to be re-charged more often than a Blackberry Priv, and this can drive up our utilities bill. Furthermore, all of Carl's non-English speaking employees adore him and may pick up all his foul habits, like smoking e-cigarettes and looking at my legs.

I texted CEO Stan:

"That swine Carl smokes e cigarettes all over; please stop this asap by edict"....and soon I got an answer.

"Lay off Gloria; Comrade Carl thinks the world of you-Stan".

As I read Stan's answer, I was fuming. So I spoke to our receptionist here who is "born again". As a matter of fact, she answers the phone she says, "praise the Lord,how can I help you, God willing". 

When she heard my story, she told me that anger is something the Lord gave us.

I cannot say that I found that insight very useful.

"Stop looking at my legs, Carl"

                 Focus on your work, Carl

Comrade Carl Marks, the decrepit  lecher who heads R&D stopped by my cubicle as I was managing corporate communication on my Blackberry Priv via Whatsapp.

The comrade gawked at my legs; I was overwhelmed with the complexity of the sms/text I was composing, so I did not notice at first. (My gym teacher Mr Johannes Johannson used to tell me that "no one can outdo you in the leg department, Miss Ramsbottom).  

When I finally picked up my head and  glanced at Carl, I called him a "filthy pig" (in French and English)  and lanced Cynthia's spare axe at him, but he was unscathed. (Cynthia has 3 axes.) 

Corporate life and maintaining my seat at the table is hard enough as it is, without been dissed by colleagues.

Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to tell me not to flaunt my legs. I don't. But I don't hide them, from an HR perspective.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom


With special thanks to Nicole

תודה רבה לניקול

We need 6 seconds to check a résumé

What a success

Due to the phenomenal success of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement plan, Ms Cynthia Axe was over quota in downsizing  and we now need to hire 5 new engineers to beef up our half dead Big Data  Department, headed by Comrade Carl Marks, Head of Emerging Technologies.

In the framework of sustainability and in line with our key values of speed as strategy, I have budgeted 6 seconds to check each résumé. (Resume is a French word.)

During the 6 seconds, we check 5 parameters in depth.

1) If the candidate knows English, he loses two points. None of our Engineers can speak English to save their lives.

2) If the candidate recognizes that HR is a business partner and not a clerical function, the candidate gains 30 points.

3) If the candidate uses the phrase "in line with our core values", he reaches our short list.

4) If the candidate speaks with an incomprehensible accent, he may get a job in customer service.

5) If the candidate has a first name like סיון, Kemal or Iman, they are disqualified because HRIS cannot easily classify their gender.

Re-branding of involuntary retirement at 40

The new and improved Ms Axe

Ms Axe (Cynthia) and her personal reputation coach have been working on the global re-branding of the semi popular Early Bird Retirement Plan to uplift her sagging image. The focus is on giving a Swedish touch of liberal humanism to involuntary retirement at the age of forty.

Axe's reputation coach used to flip burgers and do some faith healing. 

Subsequently,  he became a certified coach in an online university. He adds "CCC" after his name-ie, Chartered Certified Coach. Ms Axe is one of his first clients.

Based on input from the wow-wow coach, the re-branded Global Early Bird Retirement Plan will get a brand new mission statement, cool, new core values and 3 spanking new visionary goals.

Voila:-

• Mission Statement: Free time in your prime
• Core Values: Fun, Gratification 
• 3 spanking new Visionary Goals: Wow, wow wow, wow-wow-wow (6 wows)

一流的服务

"With untamed lust for our working force,"
at a reasonable price

Our CEO Stan just returned from a 5 day trip to the "Orient". His wife Wifey accompanied him to keep an eye on him because she claims Stan has had "yellow fever" in the past.

Stan and Wifey flew first class, in semi wow alignment to our core value of Humility. Both Stan and Wifey loved the Premium Service offered to them by Singapore Airlines. (Singapore is in the Orient, yet folks speak both English, Singlish and most have easy to member global first names, like Stephanie, Pauline, Chuck, Maggy, Daniel and Peter.)

On the way, Wifey told Stan" "If Gloria were to offer Premium HR service to your employees, you would not all be up sh-t's creek like you are now, Stanley". Stan texted/smsed me: "Offer Premium HR Service, but charge for it-Stan"

I convened a meeting of Axe, Cynthia (Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Chief) and White, Hugh (Diversity Chief) to put together our premium service offering. Here it is:

1) Cost of membership is $40 a year, or $5 each "usage unit".
2) Phone calls to our Call Centre will be answered within 2 days.
3) You will not be downsized by text/sms message for the first 3 months.
4) Hugh White's diversity team will protect you even if you are White, Jewish, Muslim, Sicilian, or all four.
5) You get one hour a year "premium coaching" from Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.
6) You get insurance for axe-idents which occur for texting whilst driving on work related issues.
7) You get a small flag for your cubicle with my photo, autographed: "With lust, Your HRBP, Glo"
8) I hug you for an additional $2 usage, payable to me.
9) You get to eat Stan's chef's cost effective lasagna once a year. The name of Stan's chef is K Ray Beauregard Goldstein. He has mixed ethnicity.
10) Your name is entered in our Big Data name base.