Sunday, 3 November 2013

We need 6 seconds to check a résumé

What a success

Due to the phenomenal success of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement plan, Ms Cynthia Axe was over quota in downsizing  and we now need to hire 5 new engineers to beef up our half dead Big Data  Department, headed by Comrade Carl Marks, Head of Emerging Technologies.

In the framework of sustainability and in line with our key values of speed as strategy, I have budgeted 6 seconds to check each résumé. (Resume is a French word.)

During the 6 seconds, we check 5 parameters in depth.

1) If the candidate knows English, he loses two points. None of our Engineers can speak English to save their lives.
2) If the candidate recognizes that HR is a business partner and not a clerical function, the candidate gains 30 points.
3) If the candidate uses the phrase "in line with our core values", he reaches our short list.
4) If the candidate speaks with an incomprehensible accent, he may get a job in customer service.
5) If the candidate has a first name like סיון, Kemal or Iman, they are disqualified because HRIS cannot easily classify their gender.

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