Sunday, 24 November 2013

Coaching Certificate Revoked

Carl ain't gonna coach  no more
One year ago, everyone in our not so firm firm underwent a 3 hour intensive coaching course (by text) to become a Certified Coach.  This enabled everyone to coach everyone, saving valuable dollars on coaching fees.

As Chief People Officer, I became the Chief Coach and the title after my name is OC/ACC. This stands for Officer in Charge of All Certified Coaches. This title became big data.

Today in this capacity, I am revoking the Coaching Certificate of Comrade Carl Marks t
he Head of R&D

Carl  can no longer coach for the period of one year. 


Not long ago, I drove all fear out of our organization within 48 hours. I instructed all of our executive coaches including Comrade Carl, to "manage the risks of a fear-free environment, in line with our core values". I am not sure what this meant, so I backed it up with an email.

It appears that Comrade Carl did not read my message.  Comrade Carl had a town hall meeting with his gang of engineers, many of whom do not speak English well,  and the following fears were identified:

1) The fear of speaking a tribal dialect (not English) in the dining hall.

2) The fear of a meeting with Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan.
3) The fear of feeling overdosed with the term "in line with our core values".
4) The fear of telling our CEO Stan that his market commitments make no sense.
5) The fear of deploying our new product to a key client due to 20,000 + bugs and an average operating time of 2 nanoseconds before a crash.

Carl then took this stupid and senseless  list, along with his whole team, fearlessly demanded a meeting with Stan, our CEO. (Tabernac!,  that's French)

After the meeting, Stan was "rather upset" with me, as the British would say. He smashed the executive mahogany table using one of Cynthia's spare axes, and he then  told me that I was "totally useless" as an HR business partner. 

CEO Stan asked me, "Did no one ever tell you what I expect from an  HR business partner? I want you to cover my ass, Gloria Lemieux. Put that into your thick skull." 

I went out of his office, fully composed, and CEO Stan sent me a text: "Take corrective action, or else. Stan."

Thus, I have revoked Carl's coaching licence. I personally will coach the R&D team from today

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