Monday, 7 July 2014

No salary increases does not lead to low morale! Mais non!

Salaries and engagement  have nothing in common-mais non!

Dear Readers,

First of all, a special thank you to the many people whose native language is not English who manage to read my blog, despite my sophisticated use of the English language.

Did I tell you that I sell university accreditation for English language courses; for each blog of mine that you read, you gets 3 points at most diploma mills where my "Basic HR" class is taught. Email me for more details.

Each year in September, we  have salary reviews and increases; for the last 6 years, however, this has not been "fully routinized" and in some cases, people may have been downsized and rehired at a lower salary due to administrative misunderstandings*. 

CEO Stan has asked me to prepare a "supporting strategy" following the decision to leave salaries at their present rate this year. In line with my core value of obedience, I DO have a plan which I have prepared, and I will present it providing that CEO Stan gives me a discrete spot bonus.

On the same day when we announce our plan to maintain salaries at the present competitive rate, all employees will attend a picnic on our company lawn, coupled with a working lunch devoted to career planning. 
Mr Cynthia Axe will attend the picnic. Whilst wearing shorts and other appropriate attire, she will nonetheless open a recruitment fair for her Early Bird Retirement Plan for any employee who wants to "share" his or her thoughts on our "no increases for the company's good" policy.

FYI-Employees will bring their own lunch to this picnic. Diversity Chief Huge White will also give a lecture on Stress, Work-Life Balance and Sex Drive.

For those high performing employees who demand more money and threaten to quit, I will "cool the mark" .

How's that for a strategy! Mais oui.

Gloria

*דובר צה"ל בודק את האירוע









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