Tuesday 16 December 2014

My CEO claims, "I may not need HR"

Stan wants us all to be nice

CEO Stan sent a text to Hugh White (the heterosexual White Boy who runs Diversity), a certain Ms Cynthia Axe who heads "People Shredding/Downsizing Department" and to me: "be in my office at 800 am, and don't dare to be late".

My dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that when you are well paid, you need to put up with "a lot of shit". I am well paid.

The meeting began on time yet Stan continuously gawked at Ms Axe, of whom he keeps abreast.

Stan showed 5 slides in a ppt called, "Why I may not need an HR Dept".

Slide One: People here are not fucking civil or nice to one another.
Slide Two: Emerging-technologies and Sales have fist fights.
Slide Three: When I took a leak yesterday, I heard people gossiping that leadership here sucks. They were referring to me!
Slide Four: Either HR is worth our investment, or all 3 of you are out on your fucking asses.
Slide Five: I want a civil and "nice" environment within a week. Now get your HR business-partnership butts out of here and shake a leg.

I would define the meeting with Stan as challenging or non wow. So I need a consultant.

As readers of this blog know,  I think coaching/consulting is dead. However, if there is one thing I can tell you about these  snake oil consultants is that they are nice. 

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that I should always be careful of people who are "too nice".

I picked up my phone and called 3 OD consultants. They were all asked to prepare a "Be Civil and Nice" campaign. I told them that the work is pro bono, and each agreed as long as I signed my autograph on their business card.

I told each OD consultant that they would also be charged $500 for my management time, and all agreed.

At the end of the day, I chose an English-speaking, smooth, impressive, tall, single and charming  consultant, who also is an blockchain expert, who agree to tutor me in with tips and OD techniques.

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