The Chinese and Russians in our company need to learn English much faster-for Heaven Sake!

As we move to a more global and sustainable world, the Chinese and Russians in our company need to do their part and learn proper English, for heaven sake. After all, English is the one and ONLY language of business. 

In India, everyone speaks English! In Singapore as well!
Even in Quebec (which is "up" in Canada) people have started to speak English.

Stan pointed out that it takes 40 years to learn Chinese; Stan told me that "no one uses Russian any more, except the Russians". So neither the Russian or Chinese language are either global, or sustainable.

How did the lanaguage issue come up?-one may ask. Well, Stan and I were  in a concall on Friday and Stan understood 3% of what was said.....3% before tax! (I understood much more, because I am a linguist, having mastered French.)

Stan texted me on Saturday:"I want a unilingual company in a year, Gloria. Even the Scots try and have an English accent. Just get this company linguistically global by Q2 2014".

Is this HR's domain? I believe it is. I will do anything to keep my seat at the table.

By the way, I just this email: how am I supposed to know what it means? 这是很难学好英语  For heaven sake.

I am hiring an OD vendor for an offsite

Our senior management team is once again going off site for a one day brainstorming session  on "aligning with success". I am looking for an OD vendor.

The context of the offsite is yet another semi wow quarter, the non wow acceptance of our last software updates, the "ambiguous rescheduling" of our next release, and the prolonged captivity of our CEO by the Bank, following cash flow related "issues".

CEO Stan (who will be released by the bank for the offsite)  has asked that the offsite be wow wow wow. 

The OD vendor that we will commission should respect and grovel to SVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom. Furthermore, we are looking for a vendor who is:

1. practical (we want 10 action items)
2. global
3. sustainable
4. in line with our core values, whatever that means
5. flexible, especially in payment terms
6. built to last (until Stan retires)
7. leverage big data
8. civil
9. mellow and positive
10. high impact yet low key
11. fun fun fun
12. popular (average score of 9.8 out of 10) on summary sheet 

The vendor should speak English with a proper British accent, or at least without an Russian or Thai accent, in lines with respecting "most" minorities.

Please contact gloria.ramsbottom@gmail.com

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Jump starting a global mindset

Here are 5 steps to jumpstart a global mindset.

1) Use a hyphenated last name, like Ramsbottom-Lemieux. A glance at the Ottawa phone book can be helpful. (My sister also has a hyphenated last name: Claire Ramsbottom de la Montagne)

2) Use proper and apprpriate global names. If you are  called Pierre, switch to Peter. If you are called Inam, switch to Irene. If you are Moshe or Mohammed, use Morris. If your last name is French yet you are American, or your last name is Holland and you are French, this is not all global. Or sustainable.

3) Read foreign journalism. Stan's wife reads the Joseph George Daily ( http://paper.li/jgblr), which is published in India. India is in Asia. Now that is foreign!

4) Avoid reading Allon Shevat's Global Blog, which is pure nonsense.

5) Call your talent management program Global Talent Management.

6) Whereever you travel to, get home for the weekend.

A request for a few details, from the NSA

NSA asks for some small data

CEO Stan in his infinite wisdom has subjugated the IT department to HR.

Winston Wu, former head of an independent IT department and once a bitter foe, now eats out of the palm of my white hand.

I have renamed Wu's role as IT 'lead' and I gave him a role in the Diversity team.

Wu asked for a one on one this afternoon and wanted to "share" some information with me, in alignment with his core value of endearment.

Wu reported that 6 of our bums-turned-heroes Internet of things nerd have been visiting  Syria, Northern Malaysia/Southern Thailand, pushing our embryonic product "out there" in the 3rd world.

Based on this travel, the NSA is "showing interest" in our company. (I wish our clients were interested in our company like the NSA is).

Wu told me that an urgent request has been made by the NSA for the numbers of all corporate cellphones and their owners.

In the spirit of empowerment and talent management, I asked Wu what he suggested that we do. 

Based on Wu's suggestion, I texted Stan, who told me "handle the affair".

(Stan is being held captive by the bank).

Why do issues like this issue fall on my plate? Who needs an issue like this on her plate? This dilemma is worse than Chinese grammar.

I thought and thought, spending over 2 seconds until a solution came to mind. (I called my coach, who also pumps gas).

1-Personally, I see no reason to go to Syria, North Malaysia or South Thailand. 

2-The NSA will receive the data they asked for. 

3-The following text will be sent to all employees: "The HR department promotes National Security, and asks all employees to do so as well. Kindly use local sim cards on future travel".

OD Vendors and Senior HR Executives: The Example of Allon Shevat

A disgrace to his profession

Prompted by our non wow revenue stream generated by the useless bums-turned-heroes in R&D, we have "migrated to vendorless OD program, based on webinars from cost effective vendors in Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan.

In the past, we used to hire OD vendors, or to be more accurate, Stan our CEO, used to hire OD vendors to "get an external perspective". (In the past, Stan did not see the value of hr BUSINESS partnership).

No OD vendor has aggravated me more than a certain Allon Shevat. Allon Shevat is proof positive that HR needs to implement vendor-less OD, even were we to have a wow wow  wow revenue stream, like we will in 2018.

A few examples of how this arrogant OD vendor got on my wrong side.

1) His blog is very boring, and used to put me to sleep in mid day.

2) His view of webinars is that they are "limited", alienating and  non-wow. He claims that there is no "transfer of training" in webinars, whatever that means.

3) Worst of all, he believes that Stan "needs to be confronted" even when this is career-threatening, for heaven sake.

4) He travels business class, claiming that 6'3" (194) is very tall; this  is no excuse. I travel economy, and I am very very very very senior.

5) He claims that there are some organizational issues cannot be totally solved, but "pain needs to be managed". Why do we hire consultants in the first place?

6) He claims that HR is the "guardian angel of the status quo". Isn't that nonsense!?

7) He claims that sustainability is just another fad that will come and go. !

8) He claims that knowledge management has sinister motives.

9) He used a Blackberry until very recently.

10) He does not gossip with me because he claims I am not discrete.

A certain Ms Cynthia Axe on Good Morning Ottawa

I make my staff shine

A TV station is interviewing a certain Ms Cynthia Axe tomorrow morning on the highly rated Good Morning Ottawa. 

Ottawa is in Canada. Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Program!

How did this come to pass?

The diligent, young and over zealous reporter looked for folks whose last name reflects their job. He found 3 people for his panel.

Ms Axe, who heads our early Bird Retirement Plan, will appear on the panel with Bill Fireman, who is a fireman, and Francine Hooker, who is not a Sales rep.

CEO Stan is paranoid than about our corporate reputation due to Ms Axe's interview. He thinks Ms Axe "is one of your biggest failures, Gloria".

Thus, I have coached Ms Axe to deliver 3 crisp messages:

1) Early retirement can be a developmental axe-perience, bordering on orgasmic, in a non sexual sense.

2) Ms Axe, being coach and a healer, will claim that the downsizing axe-perience is near painless.

She will emphasize that she attended an anti stress webinar, and can use the initials ASC after her name, "anti-stress coach."

3) Ms Axe gets superb professional guidance from a certain Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, who herself is a coach, a senior HR axe-ecutive. I have explained to Ms Axe how to pronounce Lemieux. The X is silent...as in leh myu. Mais oui!

Francine

Making the average Vlad into a hero

Stan appears inconsistent

Stan, our erratic CEO, asked me to come up with a plan to make our engineers into super heroes.  This very same Stan used the words "hapless", "useless" and "bums" to describe these very same nerds just a week ago.

I mentioned to CEO Stan that he seemed to vacillate on issues relating to the team's capabilities; 
Stan replied that Wifey told him about the need "to reinvent himself and the keys teams". Now that's a word! (I personally would like big data to back this up).

Besides telling me the super-hero piece, Stan also told me that each engineer should "show case" his or her talents. 
Now that sounds global and sustainable. 

I read a "philosophical" executive summary of an article about "showcasing" by a senior coach (who used to pump gas). 

This is what we are going to do.

1) All engineers will undergo a cooking course and outdoor training. I am looking for a trainer who understands poor English, as the engineers are very "global".

3) All engineers will watch a webinar on self promotion, commissioned from a Liberia-based vendor now learning English, and appears to be Ebola free.

4) Engineers' "deliverables" will be renamed from "dog food" to A.C., "almost caviar".

5) 400 T shirts will be distributed with the follow motto: 
"Your know-how you must  show case, or Ms Axe will you replace".

Soft skills, Gungnam Style

Soft skills, Gungnam style

At the hairdresser, Wifey (CEO Stan's better half) read an article on soft skills. Her husband and my CEO Stan texted me: "Glo, improve soft skills for all nerds and leadership within a week".

For heaven sake! I don't need a week!

After consulting with a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of Our Early Bird Retirement and ass-piring coach, here is the plan.

1) We will commission a 90 second Listening Skill Webinar.

2) We will launch a "People Month", once a decade to hail the importance of our people.

3) Whilst downsizing and carrying out her grizzly role, Ms Axe will reach out and listen to peoples' concerns, in an agile and resilient fashion. (BTW, my Dad would hate the word "reach out" and would not understand what it means.)

4) Our HR voice menu will be less abrupt.

5) We will improve the way we run round tables, so that we are all  more tolerant about the uselessness of our Engineering Team.

Executive summary of business trip to Austria

After the sudden disappearance of Sybil Civil, and my reappearance as SVP HR (with IT reporting into me, including Big Data), Stan (our CEO) sent me to Austria to "scout the land" and prepare an ax-ecutive summary for him. 

Immature Products paid for this trip as per Stan/discretionarybudget/slushfund/gloria/grandcayman

Here are both my business and  philosophical observations about Austria, as well as a few questions.

1 Why have 2 German-speaking countries  (Austria and Germany) right next to one another? Does this make any  sense whatsoever? I will ask Ms Axe (Head of Our Early Bird Retirment Plan) to look into this.

2 No one uses the German language in business, so why do so few people speak English in Austria? Or French! Also, I cannot understand why the word fahrt, with an H, appears in public areas, not only in the toilet. For heaven's sake!

3 Some words have 2 dots above the "U". This is the most useless thing I have ever seen. I will demand corrective ax-tion.

4 There are no air conditioners and it is 110 degrees, even now as I wrote these words at the aeroport. This is a disciplinary breach!This is neither global or sustainable.

5 I prefer Scotland over Austria in terms of easy and seamless ax-cess to London's Buckingham Palace.

6 Stan sometimes called Ms Cynthia Axe "Miss Shaft". I believe in Austria this would become Ms Ge-shaft. For some reason, they add a GE before "shaft".

Dignity and HR

A dignified HRBP

Following the partial deployment of our 32nd software service pack to a non-wow satisfied customer, revenues are not up this quarter, and a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement plan, will have her white, non minority hands full.

Axe will axe about 60% of the G&A, in a timely fashion  consistent with our Talent Management Guidelines. Big Data will not officially be impacted.

Axe (Cynthia) has recently complained of sore wrists, headaches and malaise. Malaise is a French word. 

Axe wants to become a massage, anti stress coach, and I am looking for a brief  course that will certify her, and make her feel more dignified.  Here is what I am looking for:

• Brief (5 hours)
• Wow
• Discounted
• Cheap 
• Gives a degree with letters to put after a family name, like MD or LLB.
• Global
• Sustainable
• Delivered by a member of a minority tribe
• Cost effective
• Practical
• Agile

And most important: Ms Axe needs to feel dignified.

After Stan washed my feet, I cleaned out R&D

What a sense of pride I felt as our great leader washed my feet as a sign of recognition of HR's dedication to the Human Resource here at Immature Products.

Recognition is very important. But not as important of the removal of a certain Sybil Civil, whose career ended at Mt Nebo.

Within 20 minutes of entering the building:-

• 80 engineers were horizontally emigrated from Immature Products, while in the background, Guy Lombardo and the Royal Canadians, played "Frere Jacques"
• All 80 engineers received my new book "Life Begins at 40" at a discount and with my autograph.
• All 80 engineers received a massage from Health and Stress Coach, Cynthia Axe, who also heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan.
• Office space which was liberated from the engineers now belongs to the IT "sub-unit" (including Big Data), which now reports into  EVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.
• Mr Winston Wu, former Head of the former IT Department, was "rebranded" IT "lead" and Diversity Champion.
• All 80 engineers received a T Shirt embroidered with -Axe Pluribus, Unum

Book of Civil Sybil is complete and Gloria is reinstated

Bible Story

1- This is the Book of Sybil, sister of Wifey, subordinate of Gloria, colleague of Cynthia (Axe), Head of the Early Bird Retirement Plan at Immature Products, led by Stan the CEO, husband of Wifey.

2-Sybil's role was to have ensured a civil level of discourse at Round Tables. And Civil Sybil said "how good". And Stan had many round tables. And they were civil. And Sybil garnered power. And Sybil was happy. And so was Stan.

3-And it came to pass that Wifey and Sybil schemed to rid Immature Products of a certain Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, which is a hyphenated name. And Wifey and Sybil went to a retreat in Vermont, and schemed and schemed, and Gloria was sidelined. And Wifey was ax-tatic; and uncivil Sybil was  even happier. Stan did not give a sh-t because he is an engineer.

4-And Albania Electric cancelled a contract with Immature Products.

5-And Stan was upset. And Stan wept. He saw his retirement approaching.

6-And Stan turned to Cynthia (Axe), Head of the Early Bird Retirement Plan at Immature Products, and it came to pass that 70 out of 300 engineers need to be fired. And Cynthia asked for a raise. And Stan gave her a raise. And Cynthia said, how good.

7-And Gloria and Cynthia (Axe) schemed, and schemed and schemed and schemed. 8000 text messages were sent in 40 minutes.

8-And it came to pass that Sybil told Stan to "hold off" on the resizing, because "business may pick up". And Sybil told Stan that women and minorities and immigrants need "to be protected". And Sybil told Stan that "we have a severe management problem Stan; the managers keep making these poor decisions and we keep firing people".

9-And Stan was angry.

10-And Stan fumed with fury.

11-And a mighty boom was heard, and the building shook.

12-Civil Sybil's career was buried in an Unknown Place, near Nebo.

13-Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux was reinstated as SEVP HR (Senior Executive Vice President) and the IT Department will report to her as well.

14-And it was good. וראתה כי טוב

15-This ends the book of Civil Sybil, sister of Wifey. As Gloria re-entered the building of Immature Products in Chicago, Stan washed her feet.

16-The Book of Sybil became  an honourary blockchain in 2018.

我在休假

This is how I am enjoying my spare time.

1) I am taking 4 coaching courses simultaneously. Each course will allow me to add a few letters after my name. 
C.C.-certified coach
CDL-coach de luxe
TC-trilingual coach (English French and Chinese)
USA-understands Scottish accent

 2) I am mastering the Chinese language. I plan to reach fluency within 2 weeks, via web based training.

3) My sister (Claire Ramsbottom-de-la-Montagne) and I are playing
ma jong.


4) I am re-reading the 90,000 page book Heaven on Earth to pick up some of the nuances I missed. I am corresponding with the author about  putting out a brief edition 500 page executive summary via text message.

5) I am pondering my future, shuffling through the 12,000 job offers for senior  global HR roles, in the USA and Ottawa.

6) I tried to read Allon Shevat's serious blog and fell asleep.

7) I am gossiping with a certain Ms Cynthia Ax, a former  HR colleage, presently in servitude to Sybil Civil.

200 job offers in 24 hours

Mais oui!

Le mieux!

I have been inundated (not a French word) with job offers for very senior positions (EVP HR). I even get offers from Greece. Africa and Norway.

I have had 200 job offers in the 24 hours day; what appears to make the most impression is:

-my coaching certificate in Human Capital Asset Management
-my vendor free OD police-y
-my ax-ecutive skills
-my passion and untamed lust for the human resource 
-my ability to churn 3 mission statements per month
-the concept behind the Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan
-my texting skills (400 words a minute) on 2 Blackberry Phones
-the webinar on Virtual Parenting
-my hyphenated half French last name, as if I was born in Ottawa
-my concern for some minority groups (most)
-my re-engagement skills
-my tattoos and no more questions
-my distaste for Allon Shevat, the "so called" OD consultant, who told Stan I was a disgrace
-the fact that I hired a white heterosexual named Hugh White to Head Diversity.
 

Albania Electric Company cancels contract with our conmpany

Instead of working this weekend as I usually do, I was re-reading Heaven on Earth at the home of my sister, Claire Ramsbottom-de-la-Montagne, which is a hyphenated name.

I subscribe to Software Industry news-via-sms and lo and behold,  I have just received a text that our company's key client, Albania Electric is cancelling a  40 M dollar contract due to the "late" delivery of our non existent product.

I imagine that a huge "reshaping" of our company will need to take place to "align" headcount with a "different" cash flow.

I do know that a certain Ms Axe (Cynthia), Head of Early Bird Retirement, is healing a broken heart and is nowhere to be found. (She is in Mt Laurier, Quebec)

Ms Ramsbottom-Lemieux, EVP HR (reserves) and certified coach, is pondering her next steps in life and is "currently unavailable".

A certain witch, Sybil Civil, Wifey's sister, is the only member of the HR team available yet due to work life life life life life  balance, Sybil closes her I-phone on the weekend.

I DO hope Wifey has purchased Stan's anti-acid medicines.

How I got my latest raise-I now net $160000 (102104 posh British Pounds)

Agile responsiveness

Finally, I got a lovely pay raise today, following my responsiveness to my CEO Stan's text messages. 

I think that my answers to 5 urgent texts he sent me did the job! Lookee lookee-

1. "Glo, what is the code number of my Platinum Star Alliance card?"  Stan.
2. "Glo, how much did we save by hiring Ukrainian engineers who 'are learning' English and Engineering?" Stan
3. "Glo, why did Cynthia Axe fire the son of one our investors?" Stan
4. "Glo, you need some 'agility coaching'?  Stan
5. "Glo, answer your god damn text messages. Where are you? In the Farroe Islands?" Stan.

My standard yet agile reply to all texts was-

Thank you for calling/texting  HR-Your Business Partner; one of our global, sustainable and underpaid attendants will be pleased to serve you because I am moonlighting; please hold on and we will revert in a timely fashion. 

If your name starts with an S, please revert to me after a raise. $150,000 net is not enough. To understand my feelings, click here."

Today, I  got a text from Stanley, "As of today, you net 160,000 USD".