Employees demand: engage us

Cost-effective lasagna for the man in the happy hour

Sanjay, Ng, Jie and Ido (I do not know who is male or female) sent a petition via text to Comrade Carl Marks, R&D manager, complaining that they feel like "sub-contractors"; now that their new product is about to be released, they want to feel more engaged.

So Comrade Carl and Stan organized a happy hour without involving HR, which is fine with me, in a sense. Do not ask in what sense.

CEO Stan recommended that  even the ladies of HR and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity take part in the Happy Hour. (Danish was declared the lingua franca of the happy hour, but no one except Maya and Lars speak Danish.)

As for the content of the Happy Hour, Comrade Carl, always the nihilist, said, "to each according to his needs". So at 1600 on Friday, we all did our thing, as it were.

CEO Stan remained in his office and ate an extra portion of cost effective lasagna, prepared by his private chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein, who has mixed ethnicity. K Ray thought about how sick and tired he is of preparing lasagna.

Comrade Carl Marks and his group of foreign nerds in Engineering sat in Carl's room. Carl drank vodka and cursed HR, the Israelis argued with one another, the Turks tried to read Hurriyet but their government had blocked that site as well. The Indians talked in 54 languages and the one English speaking engineer spoke to himself.

Ms Cynthia Axe went to a physiotherapist because her wrists hurt; Hugh White (Diversity) stayed in his office finishing an article he is writing on "Lack of Sex Drive in the Overcommitted Workplace".

To everyone's surprise. I ran on the treadmill. I run 3 miles a day. And I do NOT text when running. (I think about creative ways to augment my power and HR Business Partnership via use of slogans.)

From my treadmill, I could see Comrade Carl Marks, the lecher, gawking at my legs from the room opposite me.

Fun fun in the happy hour

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Comrade Carl questions the value of HR as he announces a "win"

"Yobt tvyou mat, we have done it", announced  R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks at a hastily convened management meeting this morning in the Joe Stalin Meeting Room.

Comrade Carl detailed his team's achievement.  "Our new product will be released in 3 weeks, and deployed on site in part of the former Ukraine, South Thailand and rural Albania".

Comrade Carl brought some vodka with him, and though Carl is a Lutheran born Atheist, he proposed we all drink "le-haim", which is a Jewish word, or Hebrew. Not sure. After all, I am from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Le-haim-to life!

Comrade Carl clarified that we have "a few" bugs left to work out", and the "interface between R&D and deployment needs to be tweaked", yet, claims Carl, these difficulties "dwarf" the technical achievements. 

Hugh White from Diversity did not approve of the word dwarf. Moi, j'men calice. (Me? I don't give a f--k about Diversity, except that our switchboard is a stellar showcase of Diversity).

Then Comrade Carl added, "I know that this has been a long wait, and most of you comrades have been very patient. Thank you Stan. It "saddens me" that this great company has such a low level of HR support. Our workers have laboured days and night, in snow and in rain, with bravery that reminds me of the Battle for Stalingrad. Yet HR does nothing to make their hard effort worthwhile; there is no appreciation. I call upon Stan to allow me to hire my own HR business partner".

CEO Stan, drunk to the gills, looked at me and then texted me: "let it pass Glo; you are a great business partner, most of the time"

I am well paid.

Holacracy and Positive Thinking

One of our key customers told CEO Stan to "deliver an upgrade or we will uninstall your system". So Stan set up a conference call with all parties involved.

Stan was furious before the call  began. He has been looking for chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks in vain; Comrade Carl had been away studying Ukrainian and attending offsite about "Holacracy and Positive Thinking for a down-trod work force " and today was his first day back of the office.

Studying Ukrainian

All hell broke lose as our management call began; I would define the call as 75% non wow.

When CEO Stan described  the pressure from our key customer and demanded that Comrade Carl commit himself to a delivery date for the product upgrade, Comrade Carl said, "Why don't you manage the customer like Putin? Yop tvayu mat, where are your balls, boss? If I was managing the customer, they would be eating out of the palm of my hand!"

Stan became as red as the bottom third of the Russian flag. "Comrade Carl, YOU are managing your team like Obama , you spineless twerp!"

Stan looked my way and asked, "Why does HR allow meetings to become political, for Christ sake Gloria? Do your f--king job".

I texted our Chad based vendor to prepare a webinar on customer intimacy.

Vendors are global

Oxford here I come

As my career as HR thought leader sky rockets and the road is almost paved for me to lecture (in Latin)  in Oxford, I want to thank those who have shaped my career.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me all the time, "Glo, for Christ's sake, get real". 
So I focus on real HR, where people are spare parts, people is my middle name, and business partnership is holy. 

Dad spoke to me in French, especially when he drove, when he was angry at me or Mom, when he read news about Quebec or when he filled out his income tax. (My French skills make me very exotic to my American colleagues).

My mom, Constance Ramsbottom, always told me "Gloria, it's not only what you say, but how you say it". And because my voice is shrill, I text as my major venue of communication, making me "the most responsive HR manager you"ll never know". That's French grammar, in English!

Ms Cynthia Axe, my brainless re-sizer, and Hugh White (the white heterosexual lad who runs Diversity) are proof positive that slavery exists in this very century. I thank them, even as I struggle to promote them within two decades.

Oxford, here I come.

Merci!

Questions and answers: Gloria interviewed on Public Radio

I am a culture vulture

I have always loved public radio. My Dad Pierre Elliot used to listen to the CBC; he would often call me to his room, saying "Gloria come and listen; pick up some culture, for Christ's sake". So when Public Radio asked me for an interview (thanks to my thought leadership as well as someone I know who is hot on my tail, as it were), I was more than happy to stop texting my sister to answer 5 (cinq) brief questions.

1) What's your opinion vis a vis (French) firing people by Skype?

Gloria: I think that from a IT perspective, texting is more reliable.

2) If you could give advice to people who want to start a career in HR, what would it be?

Gloria: Whilst driving a car, practice blinking to the right but turning to the  left. In other words, love and respect people, in the framework of business leadership.

3) What about texting whilst driving?

Gloria: In HR, doing is thinking. And you need to do things all the time. Speed is strategy. There are plenty of people who sell good insurance against accidents, and texting with a Samsung 9 is easy.

Question: What's your cut on big data?

Gloria: For heaven sake, you have answered your own question! Big Data is HR, because it is so au courant. This is a French term. And the use of a French word, coupled (not sexually) with the term big data, is so arousing that all the folks "at the table" admire me.... except for Comrade Carl Marks, whom we have agreed will not be mentioned in this interview. 

5) What type of HR people do you hire?

Gloria: I am constantly searching for highly motivated people with no career aspirations, who can text on 3 phones simultaneously. Speed is the essence. All my staff must review a résumé (that's French) in 6 seconds, and be able to fire 10 people an hour.

Merci Gloria Lemieux!

Gloria: Mon plaisir!

Trusted or busted

I wish Wifey would read gossip

I received 3 texts messages from our CEO's (Stan) hyperactive and "bossy" wife today, aka Wifey. (My Dad, Pierre Elliot,  constantly used to tell me "don't be bossy, Gloria")

The first text message was: "Gloria, there is no asset more valuable to HR than the trust of the staff. Do you know that? Wifey". 

Wifey had just read a magazine article titled "Trusted or Busted" at her hairdresser. 

One hour later, I received yet another text from an over zealous Wifey, "Why is Ms Cynthia Axe so untrustworthy? Are you providing her with appropriate mentoring? Wifey"

Finally I received a third text. "Gloria, gaining the trust of the staff is more important than gaining Stanley's trust. I am coming over for coffee at 1500 to chat. Wifey"

In preparation for this fireside chat, I did a focus-group-by-text survey to see how much trust HR really enjoys.

The results were non-wow and I have already taken corrective action. Here are the highlights:

1) Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement Recruiter)  is the least trusted employee in HR. 

Thus, I have rehired her Reputation Coach, who is both a positive thinker, and works on a barter arrangement.

2) Hugh White from Diversity pries people to open up about their sex lives; no one trusts him, especially since he hired a Scot for the switchboard!

Therefore, I have refocused Hugh on ensuring that  staff speak proper American English, especially the Russians, Scots, Israelis and Punjabi staff.(It is very easy to understand American English).

3) Not one single soul trusts me. Except of course for my business partner, CEO Stan. I live or die due to my business partnership with Stan our great leader. Therefore, I live.

Trust is a critical success factor for me, but not a major one, or even a minor one. I want to keep my place at the management table. 

My corrective action will be "to reshape" expectations of the staff from me, leveraging  the fear of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe.

Green Card Issues-We almost pass a government audit!

Keeps passports in his desk drawers.

The Immigration Department issued us a "minor" fine and Mr Hugh White (who heads our Diversity Department) is now visiting in the county jail. 
His wife Mrs Ludmilla White (nee Molotov) claims he is in jail.

I am a senior HR director and I do not delve into minute details. 

It appears that one of our employees who was liberated last week by Ms Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) wanted to return to his tribal homeland; when he reached the airport to go home to Lahore (which is not the French word for hooker), he did not have his passport.

The former employee (who I wanted to see as a good will ambassador)  said that "all passports are kept in the drawer of his former employer R&D Chief, Comrade Carl Marks". One thing led to another as soon HR was dragged into the picture.

The investigators asked Diversity Chief Hugh White "what the fuck is going on with the employees' passports"?. Hugh White hemmed and hawed and ended up visiting the slammer.

Where do I stand on this issue? I am not sure it is an HR matter but for the record, my policy on passports is clear. A passport is a travel document and it is very important that you look good in your passport photograph. 

Comrade Carl Mark's policy is "youp tvou mat", if you allow employees to keep their passports, we may never release a product."

Cynthia Axe is going to get a piece on my mind. I told that mindless cow to return passports upon liberating our employees. 

My weekend was ruined springing young Hugh from the slammer.

Axe is a dumb cow

Get rid of 6 leadership buzzwords

Cut the crap, or get the rap.

After an iterative process with HR's major stakeholders, it was decided to eliminate buzzwords from our corporate vocabulary in a timely fashion.

Furthermore, there have been several "asks" about the meaning of several terms we use which are not buzzwords. 

For each term below, an owner has been designated to drive the provision of a definitive definition in an agreed upon time line.

1-Talent Management- term owned by R&D manager, a certain Comrade Carl Marks, who has less talent in his disheveled team than Supply Chain.

2-Wow-wow- term owned by Samuel Snake, the mediocre intern in talent management.

3-Big Data: no owner needed; we can all feign understand what it means, and back it up with emotion.

4-Work life balance: term owned by down-sizer Ms Cynthia Axe, who needs to eliminate 40 jobs a week for the next 2 months. She will sample folks for an answer, and then swing her dainty ax, in a timely fashion.

5-Global and sustainable: I own that. I already have my definition. Global means American and sustainable means built to last, which is not a buzzword.

6-Core values: I own that also. Something we hang in the elevator, daily.

7-Holacracy: Holy grail for secularists, nihilists  and vegetarians. Take off your shoes when you say holacracy, svp. (That's French)

Axe-I will drive work life balance.

Comrade Carl Marks suggests: Dismantle HR

Product coming soon?

Because of my spiritual background, it is easy for me to forgive and move on. So when I think back to our last management meeting when Comrade Carl Marks questioned the value of HR, I am full of compassion and forgiveness.

Yet is this compassion misplaced? Today Comrade Carl gave a presentation as to why the next product release is delayed. (The word Comrade Carl used is "redeployed", not delayed). 

Comrade Carl rambled on about a "shifting marketplace"; Carl talked about "budgetary cycles in an ambiguous flux which impact the type of functionality clients are seeking out". Finally (90 minutes later), Comrade Carl spoke of a "lack of innovative culture" due to HR's over-regulating and the "havoc of mistrust" caused by the activities of the  "empty sloganeering of the HR department". 

In the final words of his ramble, Comrade Carl Marks suggested that "yop tvayu mat, if we eliminate the Diversity Department, eliminate the new OD function, and replace Gloria and Cynthia Axe with a voice mail menu, I could recruit 4 more engineers and get the product out the door in a month."

CEO Stan has provided some stellar leadership for our team. We have mission statements, visionary goals and our sacred core values are updated weekly. However, I was taken aback by Stan's remark to Comrade Carl at the end of the management meeting: "Comrade Carl, present the business case for dismantling HR in our next management meeting; "work with Gloria on this issue in a spirit of transparency".

Women's Day 2023 message to all the wonderful ladies, especially those without young brats

                                        

                                                       

Dear ladies,

Before I issued this email for women's day 2023, Gloria,  the first lady of HR, Prof Gloria to be more accurate,  gave me some background information.  To be honest, I have been busy with the banks, angry clients, creditors and learning to operate our blockchain which now has a Portuguese interface. But women as such cannot be ignored anymore.

Gloria is my loyal HR business partner and sensor/censor. She is the epitome of what makes HR great. She is obedient, orderly, efficient and process driven. And she feigns empathy as needed.

Gloria told me that her Dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to refer to working women as "members of the ATS". Gloria  also told me, by the way, that gawking at Ms Cynthia Axe's bum is no longer common accepted practice.

Even though I am an unworldly American, I clicked and read about the ATS to please my sweet Gloria and the other ladies of HR on Women's Day 2023. My my-what a wonderful bunch of gals they were.

For my 2023 Womens Day gift,  I have sent all ladies in our firm a book about Gertrude Bell;  Miss Bell opposed women's suffrage but she was a hard working independent lady with no children. As well, any lady wishing to a diet class can get a $5 reimbursement, if she loses more than 10 kilos. 

I would also like to thank all the dainty "ladies" of our company, especially those without young children. 

First, to Executive Vice President of HR Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux:  thank you for the business partnership and thanks for sending Wifey roses on Valentines Day when I forgot. Most of all thanks for your loyalty to my regime. As you say in French, mercy! Or something like that.

To the lovely and shapely Miss Cynthia Axe, 'Head of Early Bird Retirement" thank you for swinging your axe with such vigour, as we "re-size" our company-heading for growth in 2023. I love your new sweater and promise to keep my eyes and hands off your svelte rear end.

To all our lady engineers many of whom are named Svetlana or Natalie and other foreigners, who have adopted Virtual Parenting, to raise their noisy obnoxious brats. Thanks and spasiba.

Ladies, remember to keep putting the work back in work life balance. 

And thanks to all the pregnant staff, male and female, who have agreed to travel by Greyhound.

And my dear wifey, thanks for the many management articles you leave me in the toilet on bots, blockchain and artificial intelligence (AI) for my daily perusal. 

Loves, hugs and kisses, 

CEO Stan

PS  I used to support the birth of a first child at 55, "as per business needs, and the good of the mother." I have been advised that this is no longer wise.

Ladies of the ATS

Source of foto:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auxiliary_Territorial_Service#mediaviewer/File:Women_of_the_Auxiliary_Territorial_Service_unload_rifles.jpg

Interns in HR: suggested major focus

Keeping the snake occupied

The "search" for an internal OD, Talent Manager and Training manager has commenced and I have received some semi wow comments on the job description I issued. 

This morning at 9 am,  a certain intern named Samuel Snake appeared in my office. Samuel is the son-in-law of our Chairman, Ed Montpetit-Maplewood. Samuel's first words to me were: 

"A votre service, Ma'am. I heard you are a Canadian. What is my focus for today?"

My initial observation was that young Mr Snake, who is 10 years younger than me, was gawking at my legs. Another observation was "here is a hungry intern whose ambitions needs to be controlled."

My instructions to Snake (Samuel) were crystal clear. I am quoting myself verbatim, which is not a French word.

• *Although you are the only employee in Internal OD and Training, you are not the acting manager."

• *Commission pro bono webinars of 90 seconds each on "Japanese Business Culture", "HR Business Partnership" and "Being Positive, Cheer-leading and Rah Rahing".

• *Update me hourly, to ensure I do not need to micromanage you."

• *Issue 5 "requests for purchase" from training vendors every week; please demand detailed answers (including tools) from vendors and post their detailed answer  onto our "Knowledge Management Database".

• *Never read Allon Shevat's subversive blog.

British blockchains are part of our morning buffet

Our core values: weekly update

Here are the weekly update of our scared core values:

• Work work work work life balance
• Wear T shirt that says  "I love  British Blockchains"
• Deference to CEO 
• People (on Wednesdays)
• Diversity and good English 
• Being brief, positive & sophisticated, like a tweet.
• Leverage big data to satisfy Stan's fetish
• Admiration for HR business partnership, including voting for HR as the most valued department in our annual survey.
• Being perky

Please ensure these eternal, weekly values are sprinkled in your speech.

Hang them in your cubicle.

Use them as  your screen saver.
And most of all, say "in line with our core values"!

I will send them out as a text message as well, backed up by a Whatsapp, BBM, Viber and email.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

Hiring an OD change agent-and keeping him on a leash

Name of Role: Head of Training, Talent Management, Organizational Development and Knowledge Management

Reporting to: SVP HR Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux

Role Description: Compliance to the direction I provide

Skills:

• Semi strategic and very tactical
• Slavish loyalty to boss
• Working mother with 3-5 children with no career aspirations
• Proven negotiation skill with hotels
• Proven skills in wow wow wow-ism and rah rahing
• Ability to feign understanding of business
• Native and fluent English skills, with a smattering of French
• Ability to understand the various accents in our Engineering department

Surprised? No need to be! 

Here's how it happened. CEO Stan texted me to come to his office. His wife (Wifey) had just read an article titles "Change From Within"; the article was a case study of a company which was "totally turned around" by a program driven by an internal "change agent" in HR. 

Stan gave me the article to read (it is a one pager) and immediately told me: "Let's give this a try, Ramsbottom". 

Then Stan added, "Chairman Ed's son-in-law, young Samuel Snake, appears to be a good candidate for setting up such a department "under your auspices, Gloria".

I reminded Stan about something he preferred I did not know (that has to do with him and a certain Ms Cynthia Axe). 

Ever the flexible CEO, Stan said, "As you wish Gloria. But set up the department and at least use Samuel Snake as an intern. That's an order".

An order is an order. So, I put together the above job description & published it. 

There are now almost 3 thousand people a day who read this blog, even in Indonesia, Scotland, the tip of Africa, Saudi Arabia (mais oui), Germany and even Denmark. Please refer people to me. I will accept a candidate from an offshore location, in line with my core value of "cheap labour".

I don't pay a placement fee, but I am a  pleasure to work with.

Guidelines to Being Brief

1-All communication should include one semi elaborate idea, like a Tweet.

2-Texts, Whats-app, BBM and Line are IN. Email is OUT.

3 Americans are asked not to rah rah, Indians are asked not to theorize. Israelis are asked not to argue; French need not intellectualize-just get to the f-cking point asap.

4-Nine approved abbreviations are:

1.    TLTR for Too Long to Read
2.    MIS     for Make it short
3.    CCM   for Comrade Carl Marks
4.    GBP   for Gloria our Business Partner
5.    DCA    for Downsizer Ms Cynthia Axe
6.    OGLS  for Our great leader Stan
7.    MO      for Mais Oui!
8.    WWE  for wow wow environment     
9.    J          for Ja, meaning yes           

                                     
5- Germans are asked to write short sentences, and put the verb in the right place. For Heaven sake!

6-In line with our core value of Diversity and Timeliness, people with shitty English are asked to run their communications thru someone in Sales or HR, where all people spell English "well".

You can follow me @GRamsbottom
Mais Oui!