French company doing due diligence-I am not at ease

The French never axe anyone

A group(e) of French investors is doing due diligence on our company.

This is very good news, except for a certain Ms. Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan which enables the the constant right sizing of our "capabilities".

I know that the  French only hire people and never fire anyone, which will enable Ms Axe to move on and spend more time with her family.  However,  Ms Axe has no family. 

The French investors claim that our focus will be only on the French market, and that we shall be a "mid size" or "family-like" business, if they invest. 

They are snooping around and use the term "savoir faire" all the time. That means "know how." This makes me feel global, but not sustainable. Non wow, so to speak.

Perhaps I could work for the World Bank, Apple, Google or Ottawa City Hall. Or, perhaps I can become a coach! I took a course that enables me to use "VGC" after my name: very good coach.

My listless mind is not at ease.

Not at ease

Creating better alignment at the senior level

Several wows missing

Today we had the first day of a  Performance Review Board which evaluated how Q4 is going "in real time." Things are almost a semi-wow yet Stan wants a wow wow wow wow. (4 wows)

Stan sent me a text this evening asking me to present an alignment plan between Sales and R&D to present tomorrow to our battle fatigued management team, who still maintains a passion to win (their yearly bonus).

Here is the plan. 

1) Align "talent to task" to improve the average shelf life of an engineer, which presently stands at 5 months. This can be done by simplifying tasks or recruiting some talent.

2) Align linguistic skills using a Cuban vendor to teach English grammar.   I may also commission a webinar vendor in  Scotland to improve the accent of the Russians.

3) Align the Sales Team to understanding the value of emerging technology, so they do not take out such huge mortgages and then quit every few months, just because our product is "emerging".

4) Align both teams to mitigate hatred of a certain Cynthia Axe, Head of Early Bird Retirement Plan. I shall suggest they all take a cooking class together via a webinar; Axe can be the judge which team has better cooks.

5) I will commission a poster: "You'd better align or you are on borrowed time."

Getting Money from Discretionary Budget to Talent Management

My sister, Madame Claire Ramsbottom-Lamontagne is having her third nose job next week. Silly goose!

Stan has "cleared" my half day off and he has had the company pay for a private  hospital room for sis in which use of my Blackberry Q 10 is permitted, so I can serve as strategic business partner with Stan right after sis comes out of the operating room

I initially entered this budget expense of Stan's  as "discretionary"; Stan has now asked this be entered as "social  responsibility" and "talent management".

When I asked Stan about the "talent management" "piece", he told me that until now, this budget is untouched and "we need to show the Board some progress on this issue".

Stan is so astute to the intricacies of politics. I hope one day to be as smart as he is.

Mission Statement for Accounts Payable

Miss Axe shared her observations

Mais oui!

Stan has asked HR to "prepare and propagate" a new mission statement for our Accounts Payable Dept.

The department has been guided to be

• thrifty
• global &sustainable
• hands-on
• payment-off (till further notice)
• engaged and detached
• passion to win more credit from the bank
• creative
• semi cruel in a humane fashion

The statement needs to be less than 50 words and easy to memorize. Our wow suppliers need to read the statement and say: wow wow wow- payment off for now. (We will be paying big data vendors on time per truckload of data)

(Mlle Cynthia Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, reports "an attitude of dysfunctional drama" every time she walks by A/P cubicles.)

Due diligence is not being carried out, yet.......

A group of global investment bankers is visiting our firm, locked up with Stan in his spacious yet not ostentatious room.
With Stan in the room is our legal council from the office of ``McLauglin, McFarland, McNab, MacDonald, MacIntyer and Max Schwartz``. (They are a very global and diverse firm.)

I have just issued a text message "to all" that no due diligence is being carried out on our wow wow wow technology and our emerging wow support capabilties.

I firmly stand behind Stan.

I have a record in Purchasing and Logistics. I am motivated and I have a CPC (certified private coach), and I am presently working on my PhD in Coaching, HR and Philosophy. I am loyal and dedicated. I can text 200 words a minute, blindfolded. Anyone with any leads....just leave me a message.

Merci. (that's French)

The expectant mother and HR policy

Accidents can happen

Stan, our erratic and wise CEO, supports child birth.
Wifey and Stan have 3 (three) children; Stan knows their names and Stan remembers their birthdays, most of the time.

Stan supports first-birth-after-fifty, yet Stan is blessed with pragmatism and realizes that ax-cidents can happen.

In France, Israel, Denmark, Austria, Chad and Germany, maternal leave is very "liberal" ; Stan has asked me to cut down on recruitment in these "joints". 

Stan has guided HR to "align recruitment to maternal leave policy", meaning, for every non-man recruited, I lose 10% of my bonus. That is fair enough. I am his business partner for heaven's sake.

Stan asked me to assume "thought leadership" with expectant mothers and here is our 5 point policy.

1) I expect women candidates to tell us what the family plans are!

2) Stan expects all females big data nerds to prefer a celibate life style, notwithstanding our commitment to work-life-life-life-work-work balance.

3) I expect not to lose 10% of my bonus for every pregnancy. 

4) Cellphones will be provided that cause "almost no side effects" (during labour) and can be used  until the epidural is administered. Stan expects full availability until the very last minute. Two hours after birth, phones are to be switched on again, in alignment with work work work work life balance, in order to encourage inclusion, one of our major values.

5) Cannabis drops will be provided to allow mothers to put their nagging brats to sleep during con calls. Stan expects all mother to use them liberally. Stan is a liberal.

Thought Leadership in HR

Wifey (Stan, our CEO's better half) and I had lunch today,  following the removal of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe from Stan's office.
Wifey thanked me for "repositioning" Ms Ax as a 3rd rank file clerk in addition for her responsibility as the Head of our Early Bird Retirement plan.

Wifey told me that I needed to establish thought leadership in HR and perhaps, that would help Stan calm down because he complains that "employee issues are killing us".

I thought this over this morning while texting a friend of mine and here are my ideas:

1) We will all wear " Thought Leadership-That's HR"  T shirts.

2) Our Training Program, when it gets funded, will be called Thought Leadership Training.

4) I will add the letters TL to my name, just like CPC (certified private coach).

5) I will rename the "Global Conference Room" to the "Global Thought Leadership Room"

6) Have a mission statement: "Don't gimme no lip: establish thought leadership"

7) I will say "thought leadership" twice an hour.

8) Miss Ax will be measured on thought leadership in downsizing.

Wow wow wow changes to our wow-wow Medical Insurance

"A company's health is a company's wealth" is a nice slogan. 
Mai oui!

"The revenue stream" for next quarter will be as continuous as the piss of my 102 year old grandfather"-quipped Stan in a moment of "transparency" this past Friday. 

Our beloved, slightly erratic CEO Stan values the health of almost all of our employees. Stan once said, "a company's health is a company's wealth". I think wifey (Stan's omnipresent wife) told him that, based on an on-line magazine article she read. However, we need to adjust our health plan to our capabilities, in a positive sense.

The following updates are issued for our wow wow wow medical plan.

1-The focus will be on preventive medical treatment. Thus, "corrective interventions" will get "less" funding that preventive treatment. Stan reaffirms his support of  walking,  and breathing exercises at 600 am.

2- Dentistry and surgery are defined as 4.7642*9, i.e., unneeded.

3-Injuries incurred from texting whilst driving will be almost covered if the text message was sent to Stan.

4-Air conditioning, known to promote the flu, will be "aligned" with promoting health.

5-For urgent family emergencies, Gloria Ramsbottom and her dedicated global and sustainable team (consisted of Cynthia Axe and Hugh White) will provide the telephone number of City Hall Welfare.

6-Stan's medical care will be negotiated with the Board and a nosy Ms. Ramsbottom-Lemieux will not be involved.

7-Members of our impotent Sales team are encouraged to smoke two packs a day.

8-Members of our non-delivering Immature Product Deployment team may get "anti-assault" coverage"; may, not shall.

More humane HR services launched

I have no time even for brief sexual activity, as HR Business Partner.

To emphasize our HR business partnership enable greater axe-cessibility to HR services in 2014, starting immediately.

1)       Voice menu enabled diversion of calls directly to "virtual care-provider", starting "pretty soon". Care providers now learning English.

2)     Enhance our "Early Bird Retirement Plan", in a humane fashion, emphasizing the augmented availability of free time. 

3)       Whatssup-enabled text coaching by a certified coach (who also does faith healing), with a few letters after coach's name....like CPC-certified private coach.

4)      Email "Civility", supported by monitoring emails and sms messages, discretely.

Here is our new Voice Menu: Wow, you have reached HR.

For quantitative-easing of our costs via early retirement, press one.

For voluntary pay cuts, press two.

For our quarterly sales goals, press three.

For a personal one on one with Cynthia Axe, Head of Early Bird Retirement,, press four.

For enhancing work-work-work-life balance, press one.

For women's and minority rights, please press five.

For sexual harassment issues, please press one.

To hear some of Stan's motivational speeches, please press six.

For health issues, please press one.

To speak to Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, SVP HR and certified coach, please send her a very brief text, then press one.

Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux

New voice menu for HR

Press 3 

Following a round table (I love that democratic and inclusive word), our great and erratic leader Stan has once again revised our working working working from home policy.

1) Stan reaffirms his support of work work work work life balance. Stan is the family man!
For heaven's sake, why do I need to keep saying this?

2) From 0700-2200,  there shall be no work from home. However, on the way to the office and on the way from the office, one must-can-must-should be on con calls. Going thru a tunnel is no excuse. Miss Cynthia Axe will monitor compliance using  web based technology. Ms Axe is the Head of our semi-Voluntary Early Bird Retirement Plan.

3) CEO Stan has caved into popular demands, and from 2200-0700, work from home is allowed, albeit not fully encouraged.

4) If, between 2200-0700, one is engaged in another activity, HR will provide a new voice menu to allow you to "align" your behaviour.

• Press 1 if you are in the toilet
• Press 2 if you are engaging in non-virtual parenting.
• Press 3 if you are engaged in brief sexual activity. 
• Press 4 if you want to purchase my book "Early Retirement and Life Life Balance and Poverty" at a 4% discount

5) HR supports work life balance. HR supports family life. HR supports a warm home atmosphere in the workplace.

6) For those who want to get coaching on how to be more efficient in the evening, we are providing web based access to coaching service in Bolivia and our vendor is learning English in a timely fashion.

7) For those parents considering another child, please contact Ms Ax for an interview, and rregister  for our wow downsizing portal.

  Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, a votre service.

Improvement via being Positive-and the word "sex" is mentioned

Stan (our CEO) encourages our staff at Immature Products to introspect, contemplate and suggest ways we can improve our semi wow deliveries and make our clients even more less unhappy.

Civil Sybil, who is in charge of civil discourse, has put together guidelines for a positive and moe appreciative inquiry about way to make our firm a bit firmer.

1) Stan will now be addressed as Sustainable Stan.
2) Gloria (c'est moi) will be addressed as Global and Sustainable Gloria.
3) The company does not always encourage texting whilst driving.
4) Sex (within limits) is "personal time off" or on, or...whatever.
5) The word challenge should be used instead of the word problem.
6) The word "---k off" can only be used when addressing delays in time tables.
7) Work work work life balance should be replaced with work work work work work work li-- balance." The word life need not be fully spelt.
9) If you want more resources, kindly read the terms of our Early Bird Retirement programme, at our downsizing portal.
10) Please consider this message as Big Data.

"Set a high goal, or your head will role"

So much talent that needs to be managed

"We have so much talent, yet all of our deliveries are late. Our clients are furious! What the hell is wrong here? Gloria, I want you to look at performance evaluation and revamp it to ensure folks have the right focus; get back to me in a week with a solution". This was how my meeting with CEO Stan ended on Friday.

To cope with the issue de jour, I asked a certain Ms Axe to "get her hands" around performance evaluation issues by Monday (today), and she sent a few civil texts  to staff and employees this weekend to "research" the issue-and under my auspices (which is a nice word),  I think corrective action can be put in place.

1) HR will "manage our nerds expectations between performance evaluation and rewards".

2) HR will introduce flexi-goals, to enable "retroactive performance evaluation", whilst honouring our human resources with dignity and with civility. 

3) HR will ask CEO Stan to issue an email on the importance of performance evaluations in the framework of agility, globalism and sustainability. The full Monty, as it were!

4) Middle managers who tell employees "this evaluation is only done for that bitch Ramsbottom" will be axed to meet with young Ms Cynthia Axe (Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan) for a one on one-for a career path session.

5) Our new HR mission statement is: "Set  a high goal, or your head will role"

Human Capital Ass-et Return

Here is today's ROI on human capital, compared to other modes of investment.

Software Engineer    pink listed
HR Downsizer         2%
Finance analyst        4%
Sales                      -0.5%
Cynthia Ax             -12%
Stan                         56%
Lemieux                  12%
Federal Bond           0.01%
Euro                       -0.05%
Toronto TSE           2%
Dow                       0.1%
Pyongyang SE        34%

HR is looking for human resource analyst who works for barter.
Please contact Sybil Civil.

Sybil Civil aka Civil Sybil

Ms. Cynthia Ax will be leaving HR and joining the inner circle around our beloved and erratic CEO Stan. Her role as the Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan will be taken over by me, with the cooperation of 

OFS - Our Firing Squad (Canada) hq'd in Boston,  aka NPE- Notre peloton d'exécution. That is French. 

Ms. Sybil Civil, aka Civil Sybil, will be joining HR. Her responsibilities will include opening lines of communications, roundtable management, sensing, censoring, and civility. Sybil is Wifey's (Stan's wife) sister.

Stan had a fit of anger and cussed each and every person here in Immature Products except Ms Cynthia Axe and me. He has demanded a Be Civil campaign based on five points:

1-Eat my drivel and remain civil

2-Be polite, don't put up a fight.

3-Finish 0.1 on time, or I'll call you a swine.

4-Kiss my ass or I'll call you crass.

5-Listen to Sybil or your authority we'll nibble