Tuesday, 16 April 2013

The expectant mother and HR policy

Accidents can happen

Stan, our erratic and wise CEO, supports child birth.
Wifey and Stan have 3 (three) children; Stan knows their names and Stan remembers their birthdays, most of the time.

Stan supports first-birth-after-fifty, yet Stan is blessed with pragmatism and realizes that ax-cidents can happen.

In France, Israel, Denmark, Austria, Chad and Germany, maternal leave is very "liberal" ; Stan has asked me to cut down on recruitment in these "joints". 

Stan has guided HR to "align recruitment to maternal leave policy", meaning, for every non-man recruited, I lose 10% of my bonus. That is fair enough. I am his business partner for heaven's sake.

Stan asked me to assume "thought leadership" with expectant mothers and here is our 5 point policy.

1) I expect women candidates to tell us what the family plans are!

2) Stan expects all females big data nerds to prefer a celibate life style, notwithstanding our commitment to work-life-life-life-work-work balance.

3) I expect not to lose 10% of my bonus for every pregnancy. 

4) Cellphones will be provided that cause "almost no side effects" (during labour) and can be used  until the epidural is administered. Stan expects full availability until the very last minute. Two hours after birth, phones are to be switched on again, in alignment with work work work work life balance, in order to encourage inclusion, one of our major values.

5) Cannabis drops will be provided to allow mothers to put their nagging brats to sleep during con calls. Stan expects all mother to use them liberally. Stan is a liberal.

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