Working from home-the philosophy of Gloria Ramsbottom

Too many people are discussing this minor and aggravating issue.
It is subversive to work from home.
Everyone in the world knows that working from home makes no sense.
People shirk, read and post on Facebook, dither and stall.
At the office work is work.
In the Office, HR can drive cultural change. What can HR do if workers are at home, for Heaven's sake.
All over the world people know this-ask anyone in Warsaw, Salt Lake City or Rabat, which is in Morocco.
We in HR have a new mission statement:
In your home you work?-don't be a jerk.

Vendors must sing and dance for free

Sing for free, svp

CEO Stan and I (as well as my assistant Ms Cynthia Axe-Head of Early Retirement) expect OD practitioners, talent managers and trainers to focus on cost reduction in all pro bono web based interventions we will commission, to expedite agility, sustainability and globalness, in a timely fashion.

Preference will be given to vendor-free OD interventions and free webinars, and to those vendors who guarantee success, with a notarized document.

Vendors and webinars must motivate our staff to maintain work work work work life balance and encourage working moms to work, and be data driven.

Preference will be given to vendors who develop webinars in the third world, yet speak English with a posh British accent.

Working from home: Updated Policy in face of the Corona Virus

I text from home.

Stan, our cunning and ambiguous CEO, believes that if and when employees get home, they should not work from home.

"This policy and the so-called corona virus scare are in full alignment", stated Stan.

"A man's home is his castle", Stan is even quoted as saying as he headed off for a three week visit to the Asian offices coupled with a few days of rest in Koh Samui Thailand, alone. Wifey is staying behind at home to read management articles.

Stan has asked HR to be vigilant while he is gone, ensuring that His will be done, "while showing sensitivity for the needs of the business, in an agile manner, whatever that means. Before he left, he asked me to update our working from home policy, "ensuring full alignment with the federal guideline for the corona virus, so that we don't get our asses sued".

So, here are the updated changes to our "no work from home policy".

1-No con-calls are to start after 10 PM, except on major projects.

2-The corona virus can be be prevented by a high level of engagement, and washing your hands after leaving the toilet.

3-Work from home makes no sense if your spouse or brats have corona. You yourself can be infected heaven sake.

4-People who do not work from home may be entitled to a career path, albeit a lateral one.

5-Joining/recruitment to our Early Bird Retirement Plan (life begins at 40) is not impacted  if you  work from home to avoid  corona, unless deemed "appropriate" by the Head of Early Retirement, Miss Cynthia Axe, Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.

Why work from home?

How we plan to celebrate Labour Day

This year, our firm will celebrate Labour Day by allowing most of our workers to achieve work work work work work life balance and be home by 730 PM.

At 9 PM, we have show a compulsory webinar for the family on " the link between collective bargaining to lung cancer" -an  insightful way of understanding how much progress we have made since collective bargaining has been replaced by I phones and Blackberry's.  

Web based parenting

Big data indicates there is a link between web based parenting and ladies employment sustainability.  Thus, our cunning CEO, Stan, firmly supports working mom's rights and work work work work life balance, based on web enabled tools. By the way. Stan loves his family. He told me he has 3 or 4 kids. "I'll count them next time I'm home".

Stan texted me today asking me to put together a comprehensive plan in a timely fashion linking working motherhood and work work work life balance into a "coherent offering". Stan added, "you are the best bull-shitter alive, Gloria".

Here is what I sent out to  all our staff by text, Whatsapp and Skype and an email.

"In the framework of our HR-wow-plan , the  HR organization met for 45 minute on-sight to put together the following milestones  to enhance working mothers' rights enabling a better work work work life balance.

1) A 90 second webinar on "putting work back into work-life balance". The webinar stresses the virtue of hard work. The webinar will be pumped over the loud-speaker at lunch time.

2) A new course, Parenting via Spouse Empowerment. To be delivered by a Caucasian mother with a British accent. Small charge of 25 Euro to be deducted from next month's salary.

To decline, call the number at the bottom of this message, followed by the pound key.

3) Compulsory (elective)  purchase of  my new  book at a subsidized price: "Becoming a Parent at 55 Helps Achieve Stretch Goals"

Work work work life balance enabled by new smartphone

Work-life balance is a critical component of HR policy!

Backed by our cunning  and ambiguous CEO Stan, HR does everything possible to promote a work work work life balance.

Our morale survey shows that we have a wow work life balance that needs slight tweaking.

Stan has bequeathed a budget for new smartphones that enable a work life balance.

This smartphone can actually open itself up and wake you up (with the sound of a siren) if there is an issue that needs immediate intervention. Otherwise, your phone remains off.

To avoid misuse , the configuration is managed centrally by Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, SVP-HR and Work Work Work life balance coordinator.

Feedback appreciated.

Compensation is an outdated concept

It makes no sense to use the term compensation any more.
For heaven's sake, once this term appears in our job title, endless pressure is brought to bare on the professional HR community.
How about joining me and using the term "copensation", to reflect our true added value.

Working weekends: Global Policy

Stan, our great CEO, believes in work work work work life balance.

Weekends are for friends, family, children, parent, grandparents, grandchildren and Release 0.0001.

Cellphones "need not" be on; they "must" be on; please maintain a balanced life style.

If you run, engage in sexual activity, or have bath/shower, just log on to "iamawayforafewsecondsdontworry.com and state when you shall be available; please maintain a balanced life style.

Release 0.0001 is mission critical and life saving; please maintain a balanced life style.

3 concrete examples: how to enhance HR business partnership

I try harder

Many folks from all over the world (eg, Poland, Brunei, Slovenia, Slovenia and even the UK) ask me how I have managed to cement such a solid business partnership with my CEO Stan, who has driven our company into the ground, in a positive sense.

A few tips based on big won't hurt!

1) We talk about work work work work life balance, not work life balance.

2) Although our company has switched from Blackberry to Samsung. Stan asked me if I could arrange a Blackberry Priv for him, without anyone knowing. 

3) Stan has asked that the Head of our Resizing and Early Retirement Program,  a certain Miss Cynthia Ax  accompany him on his trip to London, "due to the nature of the business we will be doing". Now I am not sure what Stan is doing in London. However Miss Axe will be allowed to accompany him, and I will continue to re size out company next week---as 15 engineers an hour will be sent to pasture, to spend times with their grateful families.

I need feedback on the ways I plan to upgrade the satisfaction of our workforce-and a special request from Japan based readers of my blog

Stan, our CEO and great leader, has asked me to "make sure I see more people smiling around here." He has asked that I do so "in a timely fashion".

Stan clearly has developed his emotional intelligence, whatever that means.

Here are a few ideas and I am asking for feedback, preferably positive, since Stan reads my blog.
If people from Japan read this blog, I would LOVE to get feedback because Stan respects the hard work and lack of complaining in Japan.

1-In order to improve the physical well being of our employees, we shall be using a parking lot which is 3 kms from the office. This brisk walk does a lot to improve one's state of mind.

2-Lunch will be "aligned" with ensuring that our employees focus on a work work work life balance.

3-Hotels which have bars will not longer be used, due to the negative impact of alcohol on one's well being (bien etre, in French)

4-The elevator for management only will now be open to the public at large from 7 pm onward.

5-Nighttime pizzas will be ordered once a week and stored in the refrigeration to ensure our employees do not need to wait for delivery.

6-Our new lapel "HR is cool; hard works the rule" will be worn by all employees yet the price has been reduced from 20 usd a lapel to 12 usd.

7-Our mission statement now is "Smile all day, or here you're not going to stay"

5 tips to get a very meaningful “seat” at the senior management table

I have a seat at the table.
Mais oui!

1) Use the term “business partner” twice daily. If you did not study business, use the term 4 times a day.

2) Deny that “business partner” means firing people by the dozen, kissing the boss’s rear end and becoming a sycophant .

3) Become a profit centre. You issue a weekly news letter? Sell it to your avid readers. You doing “outdoor training”? Charge the loosing team. And sell insurance against being fired by text.

4) Define your core business. Is it “firing people”? Is it writing mission statements? Is it entertainment? Once you define it, become lean and mean. Fire locals and hire chief foreign labour. Make sure they speak good English.

5) Learn to text quickly. 500 words an hour whilst driving is sufficient.

Building a corporate calendar

Stan wants a corporate calendar

Stan, our great leader and CEO, has asked me to prepare a corporate calendar for 2015.

This task is very complex due to the lack of "globalization" of holidays. Specifically, the  Chinese New Year is very  late and the Jewish New Year is very early. 

I love Chinese food so I leant how their calendar works from my waiter; Cynthia Axe used to have a Jewish life partner (for 2 weeks) and she explained to me how their calendar works as well.

I have also noticed that  the Jews and Muslims even fast at different times. Can't they even agree about that?

How can I run a global corporate calendar with all these fragmentation  and this divisiveness?

I have been working on this task for an hour and treading water. What a colossal waste of my time! 

Hugh White, the white bizarre heterosexual who leads Diversity refused to deal with this task because when he was hired, Stan said: "Hugh, you deal with all irregular employees, with an emphasis on their sex lives, using the switch board as our showcase".

I am going to suggest that we all adopt the American corporate calendar and do things the right way.

Driving a global mindset

Global c'est moi!

Following the sales of our products to Albania, Southern Thailand and parts rural Ukraine,we need to become more of global company.
I may even spell my name as  Gløria Ramsbøttøm for a week.

This is what being global means to me, as senior HR manager. I wanted to share this with my readers, in line with my core values of thought leadership.

1)       The working language of our firm is English. No other language should be spoken within earshot of others except English in dining facilities and in the hallways of all of our facilities. (English with a Scotch accent is semi-compliant.)

2)       Meeting times will be aligned with the needs of global HQ, to ensure their command and control capabilities. Sleep patterns of foreign based workers need to be aligned.

3)       All people of all ranks are referred to and called by their first name. The titles of Mr, Dr, Prof, Sir are not to be used-in order to promote a global sense of egalitarianism, which is a value we all share, especially in Germany and Asia.

4)       In order to create big data, and prevent ERP-related problems, use an F or a M to indicate your gender when signing your name. Example: Ngai-lam (f) or Inam (f) or Neta (m) if your name is not "global" as per "Ramsbottom big data spec". If your name is considered global, the above is not required. Example, Fredrick or Jane. Please check in our big data base about your specific name.

6)       Keep some smartphones closed during many meetings unless you are level 3 or above.

7)       To enable a truly global atmosphere, minimize your absence during `local`` or tribal holidays. Never forget that we close for a global vacation December 23rd till Jan for 6th for 2 whole wow weeks. Chinese and Jewish new years are considered tribal.

9)       Drive a global win-win attitude, enhance our margins & cut costs, making us a wow company.

10)    Be sustainable globally by wearing our snazzy new lapel icon with the slogan "Be Global".

If you text whilst driving, get insurance

Try not to text whilst driving yet be available

CEO Stan sent me his entire safety and health credo in a simple Whatsapp message:  "Gloria, tell the Internet of Things nerds that we truly care about their well being, as long as they answer their fucking text messages in real time, even when driving, as needed".

So what is Stan's stance on texting while driving?  CEO Stan objects to texting whilst driving. After all, we are a "people company". In parallel, Stan demands constant availability, in line with our core value of "responsiveness". 

Thus, our corporate position on texting whilst driving is both safety and responsive-oriented, flavoured by sacred core values.

So how will HR provide an appropriate response? Via appropriate insurance, of course!

In the spirit of caring for the human resource, HR has contracted an insurance vendor in Bolivia who may cover a few claims for injuries caused by texting whilst driving. Spare parts will be provided.

The La Paz based insurance vendor is now learning both English and the insurance business. This insurance vendor will soon have a phone line and email address.

Our IoT nerds must purchase this voluntary insurance. Those who opt out risk being sent back to their tribal homeland, be it in the under developed countries, or worse.

Internet of Things as aphrodisiac

As an HR business partner, I manage the ERP HR module by trying to keep my hands clean, shifting the responsibility to my semi hapless team. We had one minor issue left to resolve, and I solved it today.

The residual issue was  that some employees names are not ERP "globally compatible." The ERP has problems with Turkish names with accents marks,  Slavic, Hebraic, Arabian names, and many Asian names.

Only 60% of our staff is negatively impacted however 100% of our nerds are impacted.

Meng-Gloria

In order to get the  ERP not to reject weird non-global names, HR needs to ensure that "staff to align themselves with our ERP. This is in line with our core value of alignment".

The word "alignment" does it to CEO Stan almost as much as internet of things. Stan reads #IoT tweets at night when he gets into bed as an aphrodisiac.

To solve this name alignment mess, I sent the following text to the white, straight boy, Hugh White, from Diversity.

Hugh, aka White Boy,

Rename people as follows for ERP purposes. 

Inform them by text of name change and have them register w immigration.

Gloria

• Dong-Derrick
• Meng-Gloria
• Zhen-Pauline
• Vlad-Igor
• Moshe-Morrie
• Changsurirothenothenom-Chuck
• Hiroyasu-Harry
• Mohamed-Morris
• Bo-wei-Barry
• Barack-Vladimir
• Barrington-Barry
• Sherryl-Cheryl
• Francois-Francois
• Pierre-Pierre
• Charles-Chuck
• Yasser-Yossi
• Yingluck-Margaret
• Lisl-Queeny

Gloria

If you ask me, as far as an aphrodisiac is concerned, I need someone who listens to me.

The first Gloria post

Anglais, svp

Would you consider this a global form of communicating?
OTOMATİK:  işyeri dışında (dönüş 06.04)
or
אני לא זמין עד 1-4

Let's all agree about our core value of Globalism, which entails:

• OOO in English only
• English sounding names for our HR ERP; Paco, Andreas, Munir and Igor are NOT global names
• Massive use of the global English language so that people are more civilized
• Brevity via texting
• Tolerance for the "other" and diversity at the switchboard
• Very limited use of Russian; no one speaks Russian except the Russians