Entice staff to retire early via agile gamification

Leading the agile  gamification project

Ms Cynthia Axe

As we deploy our new product to Albania, South Thailand and rural Mali, Ms Cynthia Axe, the head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, needs to "liberate" 400 US, Canada and Uk based staff from work. Axe will then hire "natives" in exotic countries, in line with our core value of "cheap agile labour". This is global mobility, as it were. This is also part of our global effort, and I love the word global.

Firing 400 people is big data, even if you divide 400 into two units of 200 people each. 

Native English speakers are afforded protection from such "liberation", as per CEO Stan's agile  instructions to Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity in HR. 

There have been too few volunteers to retire (this is non wow). So, under my auspices, but not under my responsibility, I have instructed Ms Axe to use gamification to entice more nerds to leave our not so firm firm.

Here is the plan. Ms Axe is organizing a game of  football on the roof of our 25 story building in which we are located. Safety barriers will be conveniently removed  for repairs. 

• Players who score touchdowns or tackle other players will be exempt from re-sizing for 3 (trois) months. 

• Players who "fall out of the game" get free burial insurance, ex post facto, unless they smoke or booze.

This may sound dangerous, but no need to worry. Hugh White will gather up (ramaser) everyone's cell phone so that no material damage occurs. Mais non!

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What does HR need to know about Big Data

Impure thoughts 

People in organizations use the term big data "as often as you pass wind after eating beans", as my late Father Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say. 

CEO Stan used the term 12 times today; as I have mentioned before, big data is one of Stan's sexual fetishes. And when Big-Data Senior Vice President Comrade Carl Marks addresses his engineering team in Russian, I hear him say the word big data over and over, as he pounds his shoe on the table.

HR management must also align itself with the big data trend, in line with my core value of "using the relevant slogan".

So, here are four (quatre) ways of creating the case for HR-Big Data Alignment:

1-Gossip and intrigue should be reclassified from "medium sized data" to big data.

2-Diversity should record sexual behaviour as big data, without divulging the small data of who does what, and when.

3-HR voice mail access should add a prompt, "for big data, press two, or wait on the line for a big data attendant; you are number 49 in line; thank you for your patience".

4-Hire a mining engineer to do some "data mining". 

Btw, data mining makes Cynthia Axe's thoughts become impure, since she had a miner as a life partner a few months back.

HR asked to deal with a "service" issue because Comrade Carl forgot his medicine this morning.

Another weekend is ruined

My dearest Gloria,

I never told you face to face, but I think you are both agile, wise and cunning, a smashing combination for an HR manager. This is big data!

In my opinion, HR brings more value than Supply Chain, thanks to your agile nature.

Our new product is about to be deployed; a quality audit suggests that we have a few bugs (34,980), of which only 8 can impact our clients' revenue.

I wanted to inform you that we in R&D have finished developing this product, and will transfer responsibility over to a new product deployment team in Customer Service. 

As our agile HR business partner, please recruit the appropriate nerds and staff up where necessary. I will lend a "helping hand" once you bring me a candidate to lead this effort. Basically, the product is now a "service issue".

In two weeks, my staff will hand over the product documentation, which is being written up by an engineer in Kiev who has some English skills. (I know this engineers' sister.)

Our CEO Stan thinks these plans of mine are "solid". Stan does not believe R&D needs to be involved in any more grunt work on this emerging technology.

Two more things, Glo. I think Cynthia Axe's cleavage is too pronounced. And don't you think that having a White heterosexual run Diversity is a bit biased? Spasiba!

Comrade Carl Marks

Senior Vice President R&D

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Confusing English language skills with professional competence.

Mon dieu- this is worse than ERP HR implementation

On the plane coming home to Canada for the holidays, whilst my Blackberry was closed, I read a management article in Readers' Digest which claimed that "English language prowess may confuse US and Canadian based decision makers about professional competence; in some cases, gr8 candidates are passed over simply because another candidate speaks perfect English".

If you ask me, c'est des conneries. That's French. In other words, it is not big data.

Our CEO Stan can tolerate many things: Comrade Carl Marks' rambling, Wifey's nagging and Hugh White's irrelevance and stupidity. (Hugh heads our Diversity Department).

However, when Stan does not understand someone's accent, and has to say "can you repeat that, please", he gets migraines, overeats, and criticizes my HR business partnership.

As we expand our global presence into South Thailand, rural Ukraine and Mali, I have instructed the uni-lingual Cynthia Axe and the inept Hugh White to bring me only la crème de la crème of English speakers, who have other competencies.

By the way, when I got my job as HR manager,I did not disclose my French language skills,

because I did not want to be perceived as exotic.

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The ten basic components of a global mindset

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I get all answers right, daily.

I have developed the following tool for HR to determine the degree to which employees have  global outlook.

So let me know how well you do! Please answer briefly, because I skim answers

1) When an employee moves  from a North American home to a foreign dump or hut, how much salary can we deduct to make the package attractive to the employer?

2) Is Russian currency used in selected parts of the Ukraine?

3) In locations where there is limited electricity, is it necessary to transport household appliances?

4) Is 42 degrees Celsius considered hot?

5) Is big data available in French and tribal languages?

6) Why do South Africans keep changing the names of the cities where they were born?

7) Some employees want us to pay for additional ethnic and  tribal education of their children. How can they be threatened, gently, to back off?

8) Can we transport all relocating families by bus to the airports?

9) Who pays visa fees if an employees' wife comes from a pariah state where you need a visa to go to the toilet?

10) What to do with an engineer who claimed he was born in Naboomspruit who now claims to have been born in Mookgophong?

For correct answers, please wait on the line, and a big data attendant will be with you shortly.

What happens when no one speaks English

Mais oui-I am so popular

Just a few days before the release of our new product, I walked into Comrade Carl Marks office our R&D Executive Senior VP.

The arrogant Comrade Carl  sat in his room sipping some cognac during a consultation with 2 engineers. One was a (lily White) engineer from the southern tip of Africa named Rene de Villiers and the second was Thiri  (from "somewhere" in Asia), an employee with one name only, whom our ERP HR module registered as a "thing".

Thiri speaks some English (79% is incomprehensible) while old de Villers speaks a weird brand of English where the letter E has disappeared...as in "lits have brikfast". 

Thiri and de Villiers came to Comrade Carl because they did not understand one another. Comrade Carl understands everyone. That's because no one in Engineering speaks real English.

Comrade Carl refused to discuss the engineering problem that de Villiers and Thiri had surfaced. Instead he asked me; "is there any reason R&D should not manage HR, Supply Chain, and Finance"?

Comrade Carl, who appears to have forget his medicines this morning suddenly yelled out, "I am sick and tired of kissing the ass of that bitch Ramsbottom to get more money for bonuses. HR- Pizduk!"

Now Thiri and de Villiers were in a bind...to support me or Comrade Carl.

Instead of supporting Comrade Carl, they walked out as he ranted on. Why did I get this unexpected passive support from the nerds?

• Thiri still cannot get a salary because our ERP only recognizes people with more than one name; each month, I register Thiri as "Thiri Ramsbottom" and I transfer his salary to him.

• De Villiers needs my services because Hugh White, that idiotic white heterosexual from Diversity, claims that de Villiers lacks aid entitlement for relocating from Africa because "you do not look African, de Villiers". 

Installing a bar in Comrade Carl's office

I prefer the downsizing mode!

With the upcoming release of our new product in ten days, sales have started to pick up. 

Albania, South Thailand, parts of rural Ukraine not yet under Russian rule, Chad and Afghanistan have all issued purchase orders. For the first time in 5 years, our revenue will match our expenses. CEO Stan finally feels the rope loosening around his chubby neck .

Growth poses challenges for HR, especially thought leaders like me, who want to do things professionally, keeping costs aligned within budget while creating a wow wow wow environment.

Four (cat in French) events that have taken place over the past day illustrate the semi wow challenges of growth for HR managers.

1) Comrade Carl Marks, R&D chief, has asked for a new company car and chauffeur. Carl also asked for a 'bar' to be installed in his room, and "stocked daily" by the firm. Comrade Carl covered his bases, and cleared the bar with CEO Stan a priori, which is not a French term. I was asked by CEO Stan to approve the bar related bills that Comrade Carl will submit.

Then Stan texted me to "deal with the car issue, Gloria; he is greedy and needs limits. You are good at that". Then, as an afterthought, Stan informed me by text that Comrade Carl Marks was now Senior Executive Vice President.

2) Downsizing diva, Ms Cynthia Axe, knows that she need to replace expensive white US, engineers with cost effective, perfect English speaking Albanians, Afghans and Thais, in line with our sacred value of cheap labour.

Yet, Ms Axe has requested a "job transfer". I "happened" to find a text message she sent her present life partner, which read "I don't want to be Gloria's bitch now that things look better".

Axe wants to get "into" Sales or Change Management.

3) CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that "HR needs to focus on its role of pleasing people, whilst remaining on budget. Also, beef up talent management-we don't have too many smart people here except for Carl and I". 

4) Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity, asked for a raise. He told me that he is "under enormous pressure" from his wife Comrade Ludmilla White, to bring home more money.

A bar please, spasiba

Crisis intervention in our R&D department as shit hits the fan

Union on the way?

Two weeks before product release, there is a non wow situation in IoT - Big Data. 50 engineers (30 of them named Svetlana) have all resigned tentatively, unless they get raises. 

In another development, product managers also refuse to visit clients in nearby Japan unless they fly business class. This is big data.

And R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks' only comment to this is: blacha mucha, which is an evil word in Russian. 

In a management meeting Comrade Carl said this morning, "now that we need our employees, we are going to be fucked big time, thanks to Gloria's myopia as HR manager". Then Carl added, "I hope we get unionized!" 

Immediately, I set up a response team consisting of Cynthia Axe, Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Team, and that white heterosexual boy Hugh White, who runs Diversity.

Hugh will seize the workers passports for clerical review whenever possible; Ms Axe will provide a notarized promise that no one will be fired by text.

I will need to become involved-so I plan to "transform" my relationship with Comrade Carl into a business partnership, based on some appreciative inquiry, agility and a portion of big data, with some vodka.

I am also looking for a more challenging company. This role is starting to bore me. 
I  have heard that there are opportunities in the Faroe Islands.

2019 Learning Goals

Today in our senior management meeting planning session, I presented the "deliverables" of a certain Samuel Snake, our OD and Talent Manager (temporary) manager.

Why is Samuel Snake temporary? Well, he is the son in law of our chairman, and is under my rigorous  scrutiny, after I noticed that he and a certain R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks smoke pot together in the parking lot. 

What makes me all the more suspicious is that Samuel Snake takes Russian lessons "so I can build a personal relationship with Comrade Carl", noted Snake. As readers of this blog know, Comrade Carl is our American chief nerd, who loves the Russian language.

I should stop rambling, as my Dad used to tell me. "Stay focused Gloria, or you'll get nowhere".

Here is the slide I presented about Samuel Snakes's L&D deliverables.

L&D  Deliverables

Samuel Snake

•Ensure all our staff uses our new German blockchain 

•5 wow wow  employee engagement slogans generated daily by HR ladies

•One integrated 90 second pro-bono webinar for both On-boarding and  Involuntary Early Retirement

•“Core Values” software, which updates itself weekly.

•Accent training to understand Glasgow English

•Career planning hype (grounded in big data) increased by 3 %

•Weekly lecture on “Value of HR Partnership" under Gloria’s helmswomanship with all departments

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HR's mission critical function can be replaced with a voice enabled help desk service

I need some HR creativity

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, has had a stormy relationship with HR. Carl seems to feel that HR's mission critical function can be replaced with a voice enabled help desk service.

Strangely, Comrade Carl sees HR as the "guardian of the status quo!"  To be frank and earnest, Comrade Carl strikes me as a weirdo. He was born and bred in the USA; indeed he got his PhD at some unknown Russian polytechnic university, yet he thinks, behaves and drinks like a Russian; he also swears like a Russian! 

Yet today our relationship underwent a change.

Comrade Carl meandered into my office (after having smoked a joint in the parking lot) with a huge smile on his face. "Hi Glo, you look better than ever today! Pizdets, we have an issue-let's talk, sweety".

Comrade Carl told me that 2 weeks before the new product release, 5 engineers, Igor, Igor, Svetlana, Svetlana and Svetlana all have asked for a raise, immediately. Since "sufficient documentation" of the product is not available, WE need to think twice before we say no. After all, WE do not want this failure on OUR shoulders, do we, Gloria?"

Then Comrade Carl said a few words to me in French. Comrade Carl speaks very good French, and he even swore using a few choice Quebec expressions, which I shan't repeat because readers won't know what this is all about. He went on-

"So Gloria, in the spirit of transparency and cooperation, I wanted to tell you that CEO Stan has oked a 30 K ``stay bonus`` for all five employees and he has asked me to make sure that WE stay within the budget for total cost of headcount. Please handle this`professionally, and update Stan before you go home. By the way, Glo, you are a great business partner.`

Dear Gloria

Mais oui

In alignment with my core value of self promotion, I accept and answer questions from HR managers all over the world, including Europe, Denmark, and the Middle East including Brussels. 

Here is a glimpse into my mailbox.

Dear Gloria,

Our work force is not engaged; true, we pay minimum wage, there is lots of physical work and there is no air conditioning during our year long summers, yet there must be a way of getting people to "sign up" for an extra effort.

Any ideas?

Gwok from Singapore

Dear Gwok,

What a name! Why not become Garry or Garth?

I was in Singapore last year; it is very hot. Because I am from Moose Jaw Canada, I passed out in the heat. Mais oui!

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me when I misbehaved at school that I am very lucky I was not going to school in Singapore.

So I don't get the problem. Engagement can be achieved positively and semi positively.

Merci,

Gloria.

Dear Gloria,

Often you wrote about poor English accents and the challenge this poses to your boss.

In our company, all the engineers speak perfect English; it is the Sales and HR folks who speak poor English.

Do you have any practical advice?

Delores from Cleveland

Dear Delores,

Stop lying. 

With deep respect,

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

What is your next job?

Larry from Montreal

Mon cher Laurent,

I am sorry, Larry. Can you repeat the question? I did not hear you....well, that call was disconnected. Let's move on to the next caller.

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

What do you pay Ms Cynthia Axe, your downsizing diva?

Jean-Marie, Paris

Dear John,

We work hard, including August, so Ms Axe's salary is not applicable in your reality.

A ton service,

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

Does Comrade Carl Marks have a nickname for you?

Svetlana (Moscow)

Dear Svetlana,

We have 4 engineers all called Svetlana. Is that the only woman's name in Russia?

Yes, he calls me "my sweet little pizdobolka", but I do not know what he means.

Spasiba, for following me. That's not French.

Gloria

When a employee closes his mobile

Mon dieu-this issue is too hot

When R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks informed CEO Stan that "we" will need an extra week for the release of our new product bug fix, Stan "lost it". 

Comrade Carl and Stan had a long meeting in which I was present.

The atmosphere in that meeting was non non wow. (two non's). Comrade Carl Marks bellowed at CEO Stan, "Yobt tvoyu mat Stan, speak to my staff directly and get your own answers about the delay. I am going to the parking lot to smoke a joint."

During their conversation, I read a "state of the art" article on internet of things, which is a sexier slogan than big data, for a girl.

Stan convened a meeting of the entire Engineering department, and demanded to know "what needs to be done to enable you guys to work from dawn to dusk to get the product out the door on time." Few of our Engineers speak English, so at first no one answered.

Then, the foolish heterosexual white boy who manages Diversity, Hugh White, cried out: "Boss, this seems unfair; people are working very hard and hardly have free time to do anything except work and pray."

Stan turned red & texted me to come to his office. "Gloria, I am losing my faith in HR. I read that "up there" in Canada where you come from, religion is banned. Why are people praying on company time, for Christ's sake? Put an end to this. Now."

I explained to Stan that he is referring the proposed secular charter of Quebec, and not all of Canada. Stan, ever the global manager said, "I don't care which Canada banned religion, banish religion from our company, or you yourself better start praying." I found that comment very direct.

I immediately invited Diversity Chief Hugh White to my office by text, but Hugh had gone home and closed his friggin mobile. 

I received a text message from Hugh, sent as he was driving home. I encourage people to text while driving, because we have good insurance.

"Stan may have been upset by what I said; but we need to respect the rights of most people; I would not like our organization look like your native country."

(Hugh is now writing his PhD on "Death of the Sex Drive in Over Committed Organizations".)

I texted Cynthia Axe to confiscate prayer mats, crosses, incense and skull caps before she leaves the office. 

BTW, Ms Axe is the only member of HR ever to have been in Church. She even dated a "man" of the cloth, but this is a different story. My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, said "I would never "step foot" in a "place of worship".

Dated a man of the cloth

A mid size portion of employee engagement, (well done)

                                                                            Downloaded to Axe (Cynthia)

CEO Stan was informed by our key client that our employees providing technical support "appear not to be engaged". Stan updated me by text; Stan views the lack of engagement as big data, (hugh f--king data, Gloria, were his exact words.)

Here is some background. Last month, as part of aligning our cost structure with 2019 growth, pizzas were eliminated for the technical support group, the location of their parking lot "aligned" with better physical fitness, and their "talent management" was reshaped to focus on auto-didactic methods.

I asked Stan whether or not he wanted HR to "engage" the employees in technical support. Stan replied: "I support a mid size portion of employee engagement, well done, Ms Gloria; there is no one better than you to engage staff in a cost-effective manner. I suggest some intrinsic motivation as well. Does HR have an intrinsic motivation package on hand? Make it happen, Gloria. And move quickly. The customer is all over me."

I left Stan's office determined to be creative. Strangely, I found this difficult. My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me "Glo, mon petit chou, not everyone can be creative. You have the ambition of 5 people."

But then I remembered the engagement monkey.