Sunday, 27 April 2014

What does HR need to know about Big Data

Impure thoughts 

People in organizations use the term big data "as often as you pass wind after eating beans", as my late Father Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say. 

CEO Stan used the term 12 times today; as I have mentioned before, big data is one of Stan's sexual fetishes. And when Big-Data Senior Vice President Comrade Carl Marks addresses his engineering team in Russian, I hear him say the word big data over and over, as he pounds his shoe on the table.

HR management must also align itself with the big data trend, in line with my core value of "using the relevant slogan".

So, here are four (quatre) ways of creating the case for HR-Big Data Alignment:

1-Gossip and intrigue should be reclassified from "medium sized data" to big data.
2-Diversity should record sexual behaviour as big data, without divulging the small data of who does what, and when.
3-HR voice mail access should add a prompt, "for big data, press two, or wait on the line for a big data attendant; you are number 49 in line; thank you for your patience".
4-Hire a mining engineer to do some "data mining". 

Btw, data mining makes Cynthia Axe's thoughts become impure, since she had a miner as a life partner a few months back.

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