Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Entice staff to retire early via agile gamification

Leading the agile  gamification project
Ms Cynthia Axe

As we deploy our new product to Albania, South Thailand and rural Mali, Ms Cynthia Axe, the head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, needs to "liberate" 400 US, Canada and Uk based staff from work. Axe will then hire "natives" in exotic countries, in line with our core value of "cheap agile labour". This is global mobility, as it were. This is also part of our global effort, and I love the word global.

Firing 400 people is big data, even if you divide 400 into two units of 200 people each. 

Native English speakers are afforded protection from such "liberation", as per CEO Stan's agile  instructions to Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity in HR. 

There have been too few volunteers to retire (this is non wow). So, under my auspices, but not under my responsibility, I have instructed Ms Axe to use gamification to entice more nerds to leave our not so firm firm.

Here is the plan. Ms Axe is organizing a game of  football on the roof of our 25 story building in which we are located. Safety barriers will be conveniently removed  for repairs. 
  • Players who score touchdowns or tackle other players will be exempt from re-sizing for 3 (trois) months. 
  • Players who "fall out of the game" get free burial insurance, ex post facto, unless they smoke or booze.
This may sound dangerous, but no need to worry. Hugh White will gather up (ramaser) everyone's cell phone so that no material damage occurs. Mais non!

Follow me @GRamsbottom


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