Cognitive Disabilities

White -straight and white as a lily

Our CEO met the Head of Diversity, a certain Hugh White, in the elevator. Hugh is white and straight. CEO Stan gave White some strategic direction:

"White my boy, do some work to improve the cognitive capabilities of our nerds. The fucking product is a mess. And we need to make sure the documentation is in one language,  English, not Hebrew, Russian or Tamil ! Budget is not an issue; just get Gloria to sign off".

Hugh told CEO Stan that many of our nerds do not speak good English and need intense language training. Stan muttered, "Maybe I need to fire that Ramsbottom bitch; why the fuck does she hire people just off the boat"? 

My guess is that CEO Stan is frustrated. I have learnt not just to act, but to think as well.

I must be honest that I do not know a lot about cognitive disabilities, except for two examples-my sister Claire Ramsbottom who is a total mess and   US born and bred R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks speaks English with a Russian accent, which is  an apparent psychiatric disorder, as it were. I sometimes wonder if not being understood is not a disability, but an advantage-there being someone to blame. 

I do know that there are people who are experts in cognitive capabilties, but they charge a fee and personally, I love free advice.

My plan to upgrade cognitive disability will focus on increasing English language skills, implement an intense wellness program based on "meaning not doing",  and putting an end to late night pizzas, except for the Mediterranean nerds who eat late supper meals without side effects. 

Our German CEO Mister Herr Krebbs was updated on the savings incurred by my pizza initiative; "gut" was Krebbs' cogent reaction.

No night pizzas

AI makes me excited

AI makes me excited

The words "artificial intelligence" has been uttered more than any other buzzword during the past week by our nerds. More than "big data".

Without appearing frantic, I updated my domain expertise on AI, assisted by my brothers Frank and Ernest Ramsbottom.

Immediately I "migrated the knowledge" that my brothers gave me to the HR domain, supported by a certain Hugh White from Diversity, who takes a night course on "Diversity, Sexuality, Coughing and AI". 

Hugh, who is loonier than a $3 bill, still brings me value in the crunch, as it were. I have started to make massive use of the term "as it were".

I have decided that within a week, all HR services will be AI based, (unless there is sabotage.)  

How this will be achieved is a technical matter that bores me. 

Cynthia Axe will lead the way with  an AI based application to dismiss staff and improve morale simultaneously. Axe is looking for the appropriate AI enabled cloud. Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs Diversity, will ensure that the clouds are not all white.

I have informed my staff that this is a daily strategic priority, at least for the next week.

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Aligning with common sense

HR's role is to maintain a civil dialogue in English and ensure sanity.

The fact that our newest product is not "stable" is causing a non wow nightmare. Our product has 30,987 revenue impacting bugs. Most of our treacherous client base wish to uninstall it.

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Mark's personality was never all that stable to begin with. This crisis has made things worse. Comrade Carl Marks claims that product bugs are a result of rumor mongering, not big data.

And Comrade Carl  is convinced that the lack of product stability is a service issue, not an engineering problem. 

There is also a linguistic problem in R&D which impacts product quality, if you ask me. Carl's staff is 39% Russian, and the rest of the engineers are Indians, Chinese and Middle Easterners. Very  people actually understand the English language product specs.....and this explains a lot of product issues, from an HR perspective.

Two hours each day, Comrade Carl has been seen reading a book on the Mossad, which is a foreign version of the infamous and evil KGB, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the defunct Scorpions, and the beloved CIA. Comrade Carl apparently believes our clients can be "convinced"  into believing our product is "a pearl".

Our CEO Stan believes that an HR intervention is needed to "straighten Comrade Carl out" so that he will not wait for miracles, but fix the bugs! Stan instructed me to hire more English speaking engineers because he believes that "people who speak English well generally have more common sense." Hugh White (a white heterosexual) from Diversity disagrees.

The ladies of HR and Hugh White from Diversity started enforcing our global "English Language  Only" policy in the cafeteria, to get more traction around aligning ourselves with common sense.

I may need a vendor with a background in psychiatry and appreciative inquiry, who works pro bono.

No one in our senior management team speaks poor English.

Failed. Un échec

Diversity Chief Hugh White sent me a text message that we failed the government diversity audit! He backed up his text message with a Whatsapp and an email.

We have been given a week for corrective action.

Have I mentioned before that Hugh White is the white boy who heads my Diversity Department? Hugh is a heterosexual.

The diversity audit team was impressed that we have tribal food in our cafeteria. 

Furthermore, our Engineering Departments ethnic composition made an excellent impression, albeit the fisticuffs between Ukrainian and Russian engineers, and a bloody pizza throwing fight between various Middle Eastern factions, which resulted in a state of "unrest" and the riot police being called in, which is non wow.

The ONLY reason we failed the audit is that no one in our senior management  team speaks poor English. 

CEO Stan is American, as is Comrade Carl Marks, who merely  thinks he is Russian. The Head of Sales, who has been hiding in the toilet for 4 months, is British.

As you all may know, I am from Canada and my English is perfect. Herr Krebbs, our CFO, was in Berlin renting out his home to 340 refugees from the Mid East.

Hugh White was instructed to hire a manager with poor English for our senior leadership team immediately. Highest priority will be given to a thick Russian accent, a Scot, a Taiwanese, a Pole or a Thai.

Comrade Carl Marks: He is American

Comrade Carl Marks digs a clandestine tunnel into CEO's office

Comrade Carl Marks digs tunnel to access CEO Stan's office

Our newest product is named Carla 3.0. "Carla" is not selling well, and 40% of our install base wants to "uninstall". If this were to happen, the Board would fire CEO Stan via a well guided missile. 

Carla also happens to be the name of CEO Stan's daughter, who cohabits with R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks. (My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say "shacks up with" instead of cohabits).

CEO Stan, ever the strategist, has taken "preemptive" action and promised our clients that a better version named "Carla 3.2" will be released on October 1st, 2014.

Not only did CEO Stan not consult with R&D Chief Carl Marks on this aggressive commitment, Stan issued the product commitment email in Carl's name, signed in English and Russian. (Stan used Google Translate to sign in Russian).

In even further escalation, Stan banned Comrade Carl from any engagement/dialogue, " I cut Comrade Carl out of the communication loop, until he straightens himself up", said Stan.

Brewing with anger, Comrade Carl made a dysfunctional choice. Instead of working on the new  product release ("yes we can")  with his multi-lingual yet non English speaking staff, Comrade Carl started to dig a terrorist tunnel from his office to CEO Stan's office, in order to "engage" with Stan, as it were. 

This is where I come in. Naturally, as HR business partner, I sit right next to Stan. And to get to his office, Carl's tunnel passed under my room.

At 10 pm  last night, I was having a group one on one with Hugh White (Diversity) and Cynthia Axe on a new mission statement for HR to promote engagement, and heterosexual Hugh (who is always very alert) heard some noise and commented as such. 

Suddenly, the head of Comrade Carl Marks popped up in my room under Cynthia Axes' rear end.  Cynthia Axe screamed.

Comrade Carl emerged, covered in dirt with two hand grenades in his hand;  Carl yelled out, "Sorry SOO-kah, wrong room. Pizdyets!"

What does SOO kah mean? Really? Bitch?

Working under fire

Ms Axe given a week vacation

Hugh White, always with the Underdog

Some of our remote offices are working under fire due to the so called Corona virus, as it were.

My mother Constance always uses the term as it were. For example, she always says to me "you were Dad's girl, as it were".

Caucasian and sexually-straight Hugh White from Diversity sent me an email stating that HR must reach out to accommodate people stressed out by what he calls "so called pandemics". (Health bores me, but if and when I date doctors, I need to put up with corona based yak yak, as it were).

There are many ways whereby HR can assist people working under health cares.

1-Ms Cynthia Axe, our downsizing diva, is sent home for a week, and will fire people by text only in areas not under fire, which appears to be a contradiction.

2-There is a great webinar in Russian called "Working Under Stress" from World War Two; it was filmed in old Stalingrad. I am looking for a budget to get English subtitles.

3-The HR voice menu will be changed. "If you are under stress, press 7 and then, enter your security code which you can download from our website, which is in the final stages of completion." Callers will be transferred to an attendant, who is learning English.

RH sait faire.

Compensation of HR professionals

Dad was SO right!

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me, "Gloria if your job entails kissing your boss's arse, you'd better get well paid".

Lucky me! Due to my HR business partnership, I never need to kiss CEO Stan's butt. 

I do work hard on"People Day", which is every 2nd Thursday -that is when I solve people problems.

However, I am very well paid, netting about $150,000 a year. I earn every penny. As EVP HR, I work very hard:

1. I text 18 hours a day, on 3 phones, blindfolded.
2. Even when I fly (business class), I do email, even in my sleep.
3. I get calls at all hours of the day from Wifey, CEO Stan's better half, who reads too many management articles.
4. I manage the collateral damage that Cynthia Axe causes by "dint" of her role as downsizing czar. Czar is not a French word. I learnt the word "dint" in a spelling "bea".
5. I listen to the asinine whining of Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity.

Clearly, the fact that I speak French adds to my market value, although French is a dying business language, almost like Russian.

Hugh White and Cynthia Axe earn $40,000 a year. Over the next two decades, in alignment with my core value of self preservation, they will given a raise.

The salary I get does not buy my loyalty. Hardly at all. I can only remember 233 cases when I acted against `my better judgement``. I remember only 7 or 8 cases when I fired people who were setting up a union.

Dad used to tell me `you are worse that Fibber McGee, Gloria``.

deleted

Skills gaps in HR

La  pénurie de compétences-that's French

Dear readers, who re-tweet me and who don't!

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, constantly told me to be prepared: "you don't want to be caught with you pants down, do you Gloria". 

Dad was referring to a spelling exam in French which I failed because I had planned to cram and the exam was administered a day early. (I speak French very well but most French words are hard to spell, because the French throw in a lot of useless letters which are not pronounced).

Last week, I was visiting one of our remote offices, and happened to be located in a bomb shelter, where people have do not time to hate HR. Despite my being deep underground, I took part in a management conference call, during which I was asked about the "skill gap" in HR. Surprisingly, it was the Chairman of the Board who put me on the spot, as it were, with this prying and semi wow question.

In line with my core value of self preservation and pragmatic honesty, there are indeed skill gaps in my team that I need to address.

Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, does not appear to have a full deck of cards between his white ears. Besides his shameful skin colour, he also provides far too much irrelevant data about sexual preference and the value of "other" disabilities. Hugh provides lots of data, but none of it is big.

Cynthia Axe, my downsizing diva, has severe drawbacks. She speaks English only, whilst the nerds that she fires speak a myriad (not a French word) of languages. Axe lack a humane approach to her profession. When I asked her if she cannot be a bit nicer to people, Cynthia Axe said to me: "decide what the fuck you want from me, Gloria". Then she went home for a week, leaving me to do her grisly job.

I have no lack of skills that I can think of. I text quickly, I turn around a problem on a dime, I speak French and I am a thought leader. (I also dress impeccably).

Perhaps were I have more technical skills, I could manage R&D.

No salary increases does not lead to low morale! Mais non!

Salaries and engagement  have nothing in common-mais non!

Dear Readers,

First of all, a special thank you to the many people whose native language is not English who manage to read my blog, despite my sophisticated use of the English language.

Did I tell you that I sell university accreditation for English language courses; for each blog of mine that you read, you gets 3 points at most diploma mills where my "Basic HR" class is taught. Email me for more details.

Each year in September, we  have salary reviews and increases; for the last 6 years, however, this has not been "fully routinized" and in some cases, people may have been downsized and rehired at a lower salary due to administrative misunderstandings*. 

CEO Stan has asked me to prepare a "supporting strategy" following the decision to leave salaries at their present rate this year. In line with my core value of obedience, I DO have a plan which I have prepared, and I will present it providing that CEO Stan gives me a discrete spot bonus.

On the same day when we announce our plan to maintain salaries at the present competitive rate, all employees will attend a picnic on our company lawn, coupled with a working lunch devoted to career planning. 

Mr Cynthia Axe will attend the picnic. Whilst wearing shorts and other appropriate attire, she will nonetheless open a recruitment fair for her Early Bird Retirement Plan for any employee who wants to "share" his or her thoughts on our "no increases for the company's good" policy.

FYI-Employees will bring their own lunch to this picnic. Diversity Chief Huge White will also give a lecture on Stress, Work-Life Balance and Sex Drive.

For those high performing employees who demand more money and threaten to quit, I will "cool the mark" .

How's that for a strategy! Mais oui.

Gloria

*דובר צה"ל בודק את האירוע

Words mean a lot to a girl, even if she is in HR.

July index

"Words can win your heart, Gloria. Make sure you find a partner who is eloquent." This was advice given to me by my Dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom.

Well I have yet to find a beau (French), but words do mean a lot to me, especially HR slogans.

So, here is the June HR Management Slogan Usage Index, measuring the use of critical slogans promoted by HR business partnership:

"Big data" up 878% on heavy trading. (Our CEO thinks that big data may save his career in the next Board meeting).`

`A people company`` down 123%! People day was cancelled due to anger management issues of a very senior executive whose name starts with S. 

``Hire Train and Retrain`` down 30,000% for almost no reason whatsoever. Ms Cynthia Axe wears this slogan on her lapel as she recruits people to our Early Bird Retirement Club.

`Human Capital` up 89,767% as Gloria Ramsbottom attends a 90 second webinar, as she plans to roll out August as ``human capital month``.

"Community Involvement" is up 2.2% after Chief Bigdata Nerd Comrade Carl Marks checked in for digital detox at the urban health clinic after lunch.

Hire, train, retrain , Axe gently

`

HR use of social media

Thought leadership-mais oui!

It is erroneous to think that social media, texting, and Skype are tools that are limited to enabling HR departments  more efficient and user friendly downsizing. Mais non! (That's French)

Social media can also be used by HR to inculcate a wow wow wow culture. 3 wows. Par exemple:

As our downsizing campaign proceeds like the Battle of Stalingrad, I have requested from Hugh White from Diversity to tweet  the following message 8 times an hour:

                Let's all engage and cool Stan's rage.

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity, wants to tweet this tweet in other languages. His wife, Comrade Ludmilla White offered to tweet both in Russian and Ukrainian. Hugh wants the background of the corporate tweets to be a black, white, red, and yellow format.  

I often question Hugh's sanity and the relevance of Diversity.

Driving social media and good English

Close the smart phone in intimate moments, daily

Close the phone in intimate moments

Dear Readers,

Do not get the impression that I am addicted to my smartphone.

There are moments of intimacy when I put my Samsung Note 9  on "silent". These moments are listed in my own big data cache from which I will share a few examples.

The other day, CEO Stan told me that I was a great business partner. When I hear these words, I feel so close to Stan that I close my phone.....and then ask Stan to demote R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks.

I overheard an ugly discussion between Mrs Ludmilla White and her husband Mr Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity. I silenced my phone to focus on their intimacy as my ear was pressed to the wall of Hugh's office.

I have purchased an HR training horse named Jean-Marie. Jean-Marie will replace all coaches and change managers.

When I mount Jean-Marie and gallop thru the fields, my phone is on "vibrate" only. Jean Marie runs so quickly, I cannot feel the phone as it vibrates.

Choose your own moments of intimacy, close your phones, and savour the moments.

Gloria 

Chief People Officer, Senior Coach, EVP HR, and master texter