"Not everything needs to be discussed" - Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom

                                                     

                                            Miss Axe reads about HR thought leaders

The entire HR department (Ms Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement; Hugh White from Diversity and yours truly) went to the hospital to visit CEO Stan, who is recuperating from an illness that there is no need to discuss.

When we entered Stan’s room, Comrade Carl Marks, our acting CEO, was chatting with Stan’s wife Wifey, who was positioned at an angle that allowed her to control the goings on in the room. Carl did not used his feigned Russian accent.

Wifey had prepared chairs and we all sat around Stan’s bed, avoiding asking him how he feels. My dad always told me "there are some questions you don't ask, mon choux."

Wifey stopped all conversations and asked, “Who is reading what”?  Then she answered her own question. “I am reading Anna Caltabiano’s book on Eternity,  The Seventh Miss Hatfield. I read everything that young Ms Caltabiano writes, as should you all. Gloria, please buy this book for all the staff.”

I took out my Blackberry (Passport) and jotted down an action item. An HR manager without action items is like a fish without water, as it were.

Comrade Carl Marks told us that he reading “my 3004th book about the Battle for Stalingrad, and the heroism of the Red Army”. 

Hugh White from Diversity informed us all that he was reading about “Coughing at Work”, from a Diversity perspective. 

Hugh asked Wifey if Caltabiano's book is "diversity-friendly". (Hugh White is a source of deep embarrassment). 

Cynthia Axe informed all of us that she was reading a great biography of an HR thought leader. I was so proud of her.

I told the crowd that being an HR thought leader demands my whole attention, and I only read text messages, 22 hours a day.

Wifey looked at me without compassion, and said, “Gloria, we have such a good relationship. Read Caltabiano’ s book about Eternity. You too, Comrade Carl, enough of this world war two nonsense of yours”.

Stan had closed his eyes, and dozed off. But he looked uncomfortable.

As we left the room, Wifey turned to Ms Axe- "the heroine of the Caltabiano book is named Cynthia, Miss Axe."

Little does Ms Axe know that the next book Wifey has asked us all to read is The Land of the Green Plums, which no one understands, although (because) the author got le prix Nobel de littérature, which is French or Danish, I believe.

                                    

                                                              Stan looked uncomfortable.

Comrade Carl Marks appointed as "acting" CEO

Acting CEO

CEO Stan is tied up with a medical issue of minor importance. As a result of this non-issue, CEO Stan has appointed R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks as acting CEO.

Stan will return to work on October 8. This is not  one fact, but big data, not stored on a cloud but in my mind. I am counting the seconds, as it were.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, always said that whenever a leader is ill, the media portrays a smiling figure "on the mend". My Dad used to try and get his news reliable sources like the BBC and Midnight Magazine, but basically he "relied on my own common sense, for Christ sake". Dad was a non-believer, as I may have pointed out.

Comrade Carl moved into Stan's office this morning. He removed Wifey's picture from the wall and hung up a picture of Georgy Konstantinovich Zhukov.

I did not know who that was until I asked Comrade Carl, who gave me a 3 hour answer.

After parking himself in Stan's chair, Comrade Carl sent an email to "all", stating that he plans to use these "days of grace to root out the evils of our company. Our product is a a rare pearl, yet Sales, Big Data and HR drive us into the gutter, like rats", wrote Comrade Carl.

Comrade Carl texted me: "don't take personally Glo; you're a great gal with nice legs".

Comrade Carl forwarded an agenda for today's management meeting.

• 6 pm:- How I see things and what is to be done: Comrade Carl
• 7 pm:- Mitigating HR's negative impact on listlessness
• 8 pm:- Answers, then questions.

HR's impact on listlessness

Comrade Carl's Wall.

Pressure, pressure, pressure, and a joint

DUI

In his monthly expense report, which I seldom review, Comrade Carl Marks (R&D manager) asked for reimbursement for a traffic violation.

Comrade Carl is under pressure. Ever since the release of our newest product and its collapse upon installation at customer sites, Comrade Carl has been bragging that the product is a pearl, and claims that all we need is a service manager to sort things out, which is a British term.  

I was strangely curious about Carl's traffic violation. A suitor of mine works for the police, in Big Data and Statistics. I "bumped" into him and asked if he could tell me what the misdemeanour was. I was sure that Comrade Carl was Driving Under Influence.

The police told me that me that Comrade Carl was waiting at a stop light, with Russian music blasting on his radio. However that is not misdemeanor.

On Carl's car was a slogan, 

"HR should be decimated, eliminated and crushed, like the German army at Stalingrad." 

Comrade Carl was fined for "inciting hatred." 

"I was insulted for you, Miss Gloria. Can I invite to the fun fair"?, said the cop, hot on my heels.

That policeman is very creative in the way he still pursues me. Mais oui.

3 top questions to nerd health call center

Hugh gets a bonus

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs our Diversity Department, set up a call centre for health issues impacting ALL members of our workforce.
Whenever Hugh White uses the  term "ALL employees" , CEO Stan thinks that HR is not aligned with business needs.

The call centre is operated on a pro bono basis and run out of a local college where one can get a PhD in  Public Health within 6 months, even if you just "dial in" to the lectures. 
All lecturers have a British accent, which makes the studies all the more appealing. (My Dad used to say that the Brits sound smart reading a phone book).

As a matter of fact, this past Friday, CEO Stan's brainy wife Wifey read an article  about our health call centre in the local newspaper. At breakfast she said to her husband, "Stanley, that health call centre makes me proud of you. Pick up a bottle of wine on the way home. And be home by 6 pm".

CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that he gave a "spot bonus" to Hugh White of $5000 for outstanding initiative. I tendered my resignation  and Stan lowered the bonus to $3000, at which time I withdrew my resignation.

Today, I dropped by the call center to learn what our needy staff is asking about. Here are a few things I picked up-

1) Comrade Carl Marks is so unstable that when he describes the product road map, I get vertigo. What can I do? (The caller had a heavy Thai accent, yet I understood 105%)

2)  We have an HR manager with gorgeous legs. Sometimes I get very nasty thoughts. Is there a solution? (Heavens! I recognized the voice of old de Villiers, from the Big Data Team)

3) When I sit in the toilet and listen to other people talking in conference calls about big data and cloud computing, I get constipation. Can I sue the company? (The caller, apparently from Sales, appeared to have perfect English.)

My head is spinning. What are the legal implications of this call centre?  Legal affairs top issue all HR managers should think about. I will use a French term; it is our raison d'etre.

old de Villiers must be gawking

Who am I? What am I hiding?

In a leading HR rag, I have spilled the beans about my past.

What makes me great

HR Analytics as a Strategic Asset

More important that Cloud Computing?
Mais oui!

The shelf time of HR buzzwords seems to be getting shorter!

I heard a lecture (90 second podcast) today that HR Analytics may become more powerful than cloud computing and/or big data. 

It was just yesterday when I guided my staff to mutter "cloud computing" 3 times a day.  Whilst using the term "HR Business Partner" or "Big Data", my staff was also told to pray facing towards the East (Rome, Mecca, Istanbul and/or Jerusalem).

These HR slogans remind me of a horse race that Dad (Pierre Elliot) and I went to in Montreal when visiting my grandmother (Chantal) . We went to Blue Bonnets......With HR Analytics "leading Big Data and Cloud by a head on the final stretch". 

In those days, there were no analytics....Dad just placed his $2 bet on horses with French names.

So, back to the final stretch..... It appears that HR Analytics is here to stay and may take the race. I have taken some action, as it were. I love the term, "as it were".

I have renamed Hugh White's role as Diversity chief and HR Analytics Coordinator. Ms Axe's (Cynthia) role is Head of Early Bird Retirement and HR Analytics and Staff Satisfaction sacrificial lamb.

The name of my role stays the same.   I am, after all, almost a legend in my own time, as it were. Even in Denmark.

Je me souviens

HR managers need to know when to shut up

Carl's lease on life may be short

Dear Readers,

Please read this thread of emails in order to get a grasp of what HR business partnership is.

Merci,

Gloria

1 To Chairman Ed

From: Comrade Carl Marks, R&D

CC: Stan@CEO; GRamsbottom@HR; All

Chairman Ed,

Our team recently released a product which is a pearl. 

Some of our unsophisticated clients have issues deploying the product, yet this is a tactical service issue.

Our HR manager, Gloria (my so called HR business partner) claims that CEO Stan has told her to "let Carl stew in his own juice". 

Stan ignores me as of late, and refers me for coaching to that annoying Gloria who is always texting.

BTW, I suggest you try our new product; the documentation should be ready momentarily; it is being translated from Russian.

Spasiba (thank you),

Comrade Carl Marks

............................................

2-To: GRamsbottom@HR

From: Stan@CEO

CC: Ed@Chairman; GRamsbottom@HR

Gloria,

What is taking so long on the Head of Service recruit? Why is HR not responsive? Comrade Carl's focus on continuous engineering/deployment is a waste of his rare talent. Please hone your business partnership with Comrade Carl, in a timely fashion.

Stan

........................................................................................

3- To: All

From: Stan@CEO

There is an immediate head count freeze. Even I cannot hire a soul. Exceptions to be oked by EVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom

............................................

In my matriculation exams in Moose Jaw, I was asked "what is the difference between rebellion and civil war"? I got a 52 in history.

School did not prepare me to be an HR manager.

But my Dad did. He told me that if I get well paid, I should keep quiet. I net 150 K a year.

une perle

When the Scots leave the UK

Post Stan

Whilst I want to tap into my employees'  rather limited talent, I do not want them to feel "too good", which would make them ask for more money. 

Thus, while I do not keep my employees on a short leash, the canine metaphor is not irrelevant. Par exemple:

CEO Stan, Hugh White (Diversity) and I met in the parking lot. Hugh looked so White in the morning sun.

Stan spoke to Hugh without asking my permission: 
"So White, if the Scots leave Britain, will you get rid of that Scot who works at the switchboard, whose accent is incomprehensible? I suggest you do that Hugh, and hire someone from England. After all, England will become a very small country, and being English may become a "disability" with a Northern neighbour like Scotland. For Christs sake, I read that the Scots will abandon the English language altogether".

I do not know too much about Scotland;

I regret not having paid attention to Mr Blanc, my history teacher. He always looked at me and said, "Gloria, don't sit there like a bump on a log`.

White (Hugh) froze and looked at me. Hugh knows that all dialogue with senior management must be channeled through me, in line with my core value of power preservation.

I need to think how I want to guide White and manage his talent. Too much initiative is not a good thing. 

I slept in History Class but I am a thought leader in HR

HR Recruitment Bypassed as Comrade Carl Marks hires Marsha Zhukov

Who needs a recruitment function?

Hugh White from Diversity came into my room at 905 am. He had a black eye and swollen lip. Apparently, heterosexual (white) Hugh and his wife Comrade Ludmilla had had a minor misunderstanding and Ludmilla (nee Khrushchev) had the upper hand, as it were.

Hugh blurted out: "Gloria, Comrade Carl hired a PMO without our involvement. The new recruit is Marsha Zhukov, and apparently her great grandfather was a big shot over there in Europe. Apparently, he helped the Americans defeat the Germans in Stalingrad in World War 2."

I am always startled by the intelligence of the people who report into me. Even I know that it was the British who defeated Germany and I was weak in history, as it were.

I am also startled that our ERP (HR module) did not block that weirdo Carl from hiring someone and not abiding by process, as it were.

I looked at my inbox (whilst I was reading a text from my sister Claire who is going thru her 5th divorce) and I saw the following email:

To: all

From: Marsha Zhukov-O'Brian

“After a few hours in the company, I understand why leadership allows Comrade Carl Marks to directs every move and decision... Carl is the greatest and wisest R&D manager who ever lived; he is cooler than big data.

I promise to purge R&D from negative input, promulgated by subversive elements in Sales, as well as marginalize the HR "free-lunchers" who live off the sweat of our people."

Marsha Zhukov-O'Brien, Comrade

Project Management Office, aka, PMO

                                                                             Big shot in Europe

What every IoT geek must demand from HR

Comrade Carl's HR Manifesto

Comrade Carl Marks is the leader of our Emerging Technology Team, aka IoT.

Comrade Carl has a personality disorder which manifests itself in 3 ways: 

1) speaking in a Russian accent although he is an American, 2) disliking HR, and

3) endless rambling that his IoT product is a "pearl" although the clients want to uninstall it due to 87865663 bugs.

Comrade Carl must have had a bad night last night, it appears. He texted me at midnight in Russian! I ignored him as I do all men at that time, following Dad's advice. "What can a man want at midnight?", Dad warned.

Today when I came into work, I saw Comrade Carl distributing leaflets in English, Russian, Hindi, Chinese and Hebrew. 

The leaflet, named "Carl's HR Manifesto", spelt out Carl's view of "what employees should expect from HR".

1) HR should identify with the working class, and not kiss Stan's ass. 
2) High performers should be treated like big data nerds, not squeezed like a fucking lemon.

3) Downsizing should be done in the Finance, HR and Legal organizations.

4) Ms Cynthia Axe should cover up her cleavage when downsizing, despite the sexless nature of the nerd.

5) The head of Diversity should not have a white hue to his skin, nor be heterosexual. Hugh White, the present white boy who staffs Diversity, is a sign of Gloria's insensitivity and negative attitude to the downtrodden working man, and woman.

6) HR documents should be issued in all tribal languages, even Russian. The documents should leverage cloud computing capabilities. (The term Cloud is so sexy).

7) HR should prove its added value daily, or be disbanded.

8) All HR managers should have a background in IT and Law.

9) HR Business partnership is betrayal of employees.

10) Gloria has nice legs.

CEO Stan issues strategic guidelines for HR

Gloria,

Implement these strategic guidelines next week, in line with our core values of doing what you are told.

1-Non strategic cost cutting needs to expanded to lessen the burn rate. Reduce fat where ever you see, and wallpaper the pain with all your fancy HR slogans.

2-Some of our big data engineers are calling the product "dog food". Root that out, in line with our core values of rooting things out.

3- Cynthia Axe via her Early Bird Retirement Plan or whatever you call it, must "trim" 50 heads a week, whilst Strategic Procurement should drive half of our vendors into receivership, or abject poverty.

4-No cuts whatsoever in big data, internet of things, cloud based activities. 

5-Massive use of  IMT-"Intrinsic Motivation Tools", to be developed by HR SVP Gloria Ramsbottom. Do not delegate this task Gloria.

7-Staff engagement must rise by 34%. You own that, Ramsbottom.

7-Internal Head of Communications to be hired to ensure positive messages reach our staff. Last week, I met a lady whom I will send to you for an interview. See if she compatible and then hire her.

8- Trim the number of core values we have from 5 to 3.

Stan

At the helm

2016 strategy must be based on bigdata

                                                                                                     Leading the way!

Today's 2016 strategic session was semi wow, and if I am frank as well as earnest, it was non wow.

CEO Stan had always shunned from strategy, like the US president. This is where the similarity ends, claims Diversity Chief Hugh White, who pointed out to me that Stan is white as a lily and not a good public speaker.

But Wifey had attended a lecture for the wives of CEO's and the lecturer, who loves to send 10000 motivational tweets a day, claimed that "one of the key roles of a CEO's wife is to ensure that hubby stays focused on his strategy". Thus, Stan is focusing on strategy.

By the way, none of the men I ever dated cared too much about strategic issues. They always appear focused on "something" else. (Dad warned me about that).

Stan asked all of us to present our strategies.

Comrade Carl Marks from R&D has strategic plans for new and esoteric features which are "cloud based" and "leverage big data". Stan countered, "Comrade Carl how about a strategy to get your fucking product to work"?

VP of Sales, said her strategy was to find new users "who have not heard about our product". Northern Syria, Iraq and tunnels under Gaza appear to be good markets. VP Sales said to Comrade Carl, "You better get that product working, Weirdo". 

Then it was my turn. My strategy includes cheaper labour costs, smashing potential union activity, ensuring that high performers do not get overpaid, improving my texting skills and upgrading my Honda Insight within one year to a Toyota Prius. Of course, I always focus, every single Thursday, on making us into a people company.

Stan said that big data, Comrade Carl's eccentricities, Sales' pessimism and my "excessive practicality" have driven him to take a key strategic decision:  "Gloria, we need a mission statement, and hire me a spokesman, for internal communications"

When the CEO has a medical issue, what is HR's role

Behind in his work

I was not surprised when Wifey (our CEO's wife) invited me for lunch to confide in me some big data, i.e., that CEO Stan has hemorrhoids. Wifey, nibbling a croissant, looked me in the eyes and said: "HR management (she meant me) needs to install a bidet in his bathroom and this needs to be discrete, Gloria".

Why was I not surprised? Because Stan had been complaining that all meetings are "too fucking long, Gloria". Often, Stan stood up after just 5 minutes into most meetings, apparently to show his impatience, as it were.

Everyone has medical problems from time to time. Mais oui!

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, never saw a doctor till he was 79, because "doctors always find out something wrong, for Christ's sake-that's their job; and they never know how to fix anything".

My mother Constance, who is still alive, has chronic post nasal drip and is always clearing her throat; my brothers Frank and Ernest Ramsbottom both have asthma, albeit mild.

I think I may have an attention disorder deficit, but it does not matter; I am in HR, and all I do is text all day. And I visit a chiropractor thrice a week; notice thrice.

In order to keep Stan's affliction totally discrete, after I came back from meeting Wifey, I convened a meeting with Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) and Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity. 

I told Cynthia to fire anyone who gossips about this issue. I told Hugh White that he should hire several people with this affliction so that Stan will feel normative. Behaviour like this is the pinnacle of business partnership.

I sat down and started browsing to look for a same-night installation of a bidet when I got a copy of an email (sent to me by mistake) from Comrade Carl Marks to all his Engineering crew. "Hey guys, come into my office. I have something really funny to tell you about Stan".

Carl's  English-language email was accompanied by a translation into Russian, Hindi and Hebrew, since only 3% of his staff speak any English.

Mother has post nasal drip