Decimating (and developing) Middle Management in one blow

We have an axe-tra layer of Management

As a senior HR thought leader, coach, master-texter and business partner steeped in big data and gossip, I have always favoured decimating middle management in one "fell swoop", especially when my boss Stan's wife (Wifey) suggests that is what we need to do.

In R&D, deposing of middle management may be a challenge. The role of R&D middle management is linguistic, since only 5% of our technical staff speak English. Comrade Carl Marks gives misguided directions in Russian-accented English or Russian, and his middle management translates these directions into one of the tribal dialects, like Chinese, Ukrainian, Cantonese, Tamil or Jewish.

It must be noted that our engineers are linguistically divided into what one of our South African employees (old de Villiers) calls "language bantustans".  

In HR there is no middle management to eliminate. I am the only one with brains, so I have yet to develop a management pipe line. 

Who could I appoint at this stage to HR middle management-that irrelevant heterosexual white boy from Diversity, Hugh White? Mais non.  Or perhaps a certain Cynthia Axe, the axe bearer who ruins our morale and gets me bad press coverage? No way. 

Perhaps in twenty years I will have a management pipeline in HR. Then, I will decimate the pipeline as ordered.

Hugh White-Mais non!

I would rather have constipation for a week than hire a consultant or a coach.

Consultants? Mais non!

Consultants and coaches undermine HR's power and authority. If you ask me, I would rather have constipation for a week than hire a consultant or a coach. Believe me.

Here's why:

1.    HR's role as business partner basically negates (nice word) the need for any external assistance, because HR leverages AI.
2.    I always claim that our recruiting is flawless; if we hired a coach, what would that mean?
3.    Sometimes, consultants and coaches purvey non wow messages.  This is not in line with our core values of purveying good news.
4.  Non facilitated outdoor activities solve 95% of organizational problems. The other 5% can be solved by horseback riding. (I plan to open a training stable soon with my horse, Jean-Marie)
5.   When everything  fails, all you need to do is buy a German or Swiss blockchain.

On one hand-will Blockchain Andy solve this one for me?

I need to think-and it is painful.

Executive Vice President of R&D Comrade Carl Marks' personality started to disintegrate after the release of our newest product which has 55,988 revenue impacting bugs.
Comrade Carl said that our "product is a pearl :  unsophisticated clients can go fuck themselves". Then he decided to take two weeks off "to do some banking in the Caribbean. 

Our CEO Stan hopes that I can help "re-integrate" the Comrade back to reality, in line with my core values of realignment.  

In a rare moment of transparency, our CEO Stan sent me a text acknowledging a wellbeing issue: "what can be done with Comrade Carl-he made need help, such as cost-effective coaching!"

A word about Comrade Carl-Carl's R&D team consists of Indians, Thais, Israelis,  Russians, Ukrainians and one old South African comrade named de Villiers.  Only 74% of the team understand him sometimes. Why? Well, Comrade Carl is a weirdo! American born and bred Marks not only speaks Russian most of the time with his team, but even when he speaks English, he has adopted a thick Russian accent. (for example, he mispronounces big data as "pik dayta").  

I could go on and on, but I won't in line with my core values of not going on and on. Carl does indeed need help of the HR ilk. I have several options:

On one hand, I could help Comrade Carl by providing him with coaching with my bare hands. I am a seasoned HR business partner, and coaching could have been my middle name.

On the other hand, I could hire a cost-effective coach, who may prove to be disloyal and undermine HR's professional authority.

On the third hand, I could dither and  enable Comrade Carl to fail, in line with my core value of self preservation.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say, "Gloria, mon chou, people do not have three hands".

I will sleep on this for a while and consult my blockchain named Andy. 

My tendency is to let nature take its course, given Comrade Carl's non wow attitude to HR.

From a hostile to a civil working environment- in three short steps

Ms Axe has this sign on her desk

The results of the second quarter indicate that whilst out new product has been released, the number of purchase orders we have received is "semi-sustainable". 

To make matters even less wow, the number of bugs that engineering is dealing with is overwhelming. Some would call our situation "big data"-driven.

Instead of dealing this non now situation, Comrade Carl Marks, SVP Engineering, is said to be in Kiev learning Ukrainian. His personality appears to be disintegrating.

From an HR perspective, I must "adjust costs to reality" , as CEO Stan so aptly puts in. This is where having an HR business partner comes in handy!

My Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan, has thus received new quotas; she needs to fire 300 staff by the end of this week.  

I am not pleased by Ms Axe`s style as of late. One would think Ms Cynthia Axe is French, since she is threatening to ``strike``, not in the usual sense of the term.

Cynthia`s role has caused a "hostile working environment", claims a lawyer who has nothing better to do than sue us. I need to be in court on Thursday!

In order to promote a wow environment before I appear in court, I have introduced some process changes to ensure that our environment is civil.

1) Ms Axe will be holding her ax when each employee enters her room, so there is no undue anxiety due to dilly dallying.

2) A voice enabled Danish HR robot will have a `severance` discussion with each  employee to lessen anxiety.

3) In order to ensure Ms Axe works and does not send text messages, a new sign has been posted opposite her desk.

Causing a hostile environment

Who does an HR manager/ thought leader want to date?

Je cherche un copain

When exasperated by my "untamed and unfocused" ambition as well as my shrill, demanding voice, Dad (Pierre Elliot) would tell me "We all know that you are not "easy", Gloria".

Dad warned me that finding a man will be challenging. "Men want peace and quiet. You are not there yet, mon chou".

Well I am 32 years old and I have become a thought leader as well as dignified, senior vice president of HR with a Blackberry Classic. And yes, I may be looking for a boyfriend, or, un copain.

I discussed this desire of mine with my coach, who also flips burgers, works in talent management and is studying Kaballah (not a French word)  although he is Presbyterian. He suggested that I tell all my admirers what I am looking for here on my blog .

My requirements are pretty simple; after all I am from a small town in Saskatchewan called Moose Jaw. I am looking for a lad with a lot of patience, very, very (2 verys) ambitious and over 6 feet tall. 

The only "non negotiable requirement" is that he must be a leading figure in big data. He must be able to translate big data data into a concrete work plan both for me, my subordinates (Axe and White), and provide me with a competitive and sustainable advantage in HR for a period of twenty years, when someone may replace me.

Residency in France helpful (I fly first class, svp).

The politics of big data

Nicole put my picture on Hugh's wall

When our CEO Stan appointed Ms Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) as "HR focal point for Big Data", I cannot say I felt wow wow wow. I felt wow minus 2.

Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs my Diversity program) informed his wife, Ms Ludmilla White, that Ms Axe has seized the big data portfolio. 

Upon hearing the news, Ludmilla, who was brought up in the Former Soviet Union, threw a punch which Hugh managed to avoid, or he would have been knocked out cold.

Hugh confided in me that his wife believes that he suffers from "a low level of testosterone". Ludmilla added: "You need to think like a politruk!"

Within a week, I noticed a difference in Hugh's behaviour. Hugh started talking to me about "creating a power base", and "serving as a counter balance" to Ms Axe. To make things stranger, Hugh kept using the words in Russian.

I noticed my picture on the wall in Hugh's room. I knew that luck was now on my side, if I played my cards right, as it were. I love saying "as it were".

Today I sent this email to Stan.

To: Stan, CEO

CC: Hugh White from Diversity

CC: Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement and Diversity

Stan,

Hugh and I are working hand in hand with Ms Axe (Cynthia) to ensure you get all the big data that you need.

Hugh believes that he should gather the big data from the diversity perspective. As you know, all our engineers are diverse. Not one speaks good English, and many have no sex life.

Do you mind if I coordinate and serve as a focal point between Ms Axe and Diversity from a big data perspective, so ensure that you get as much big data as possible?

Gloria

Stan answered in a "to all reply": "Sure, and make sure that the reporting lines get cleared up". Stan

Contingency Plans are more important than big data

Inspiring names

Wifey, the wife of our CEO Stan, sent me a text: 

"Gloria, Stan and I agreed that the names of the conference rooms need to be more inspiring-text me some suggestions; Stan wants this to be done on Monday morning, so put this on priority; WE are waiting for your suggestions. Wifey."

Wifey must know that I have no priority list. I am in HR, and handle texts all at once and one by one, in line with my core values of responsiveness and HR business partnership.

I had already prepared a contingency plan for changes like this, which I sent to Wifey, in a timely fashion.

  Stan's Conference Room: The Worldly American

  HR Conference Room:     The Vatican

  Sales Conference Room:  Ground Zero  

  R&D Conference Room:    English Only SVP

  Accounts Payable Room:   Greek Treasury 

  Ms Cynthia Axe's Room:    Chambre Defarge Room

Hugh White from Diversity registered his objections to the name of HR conference room.

Cynthia Axe named Big Data Baby

Getting Axe to put skin into the game as Big Data Baby

To: Cynthia Axe, HR Early Bird Retirement

From: CEO Stan

CC: Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR

CC: Comrade Carl Marks, SVP, R&D

Cynthia,

I told Comrade Carl Marks that I wish we had as much big data as we have software bugs.

But alas, we have 30,007 software bugs and a chronic lag of big data, especially in HR, Finance/Revenue Forecasting.

Let's move on this; I need you to put more skin in the game to bridge the gap.

As of today, you, my dear, are HR focal point for Big Data. Please leave the medium size data and small data to your boss, Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.

I do hope that Gloria will focus her skills on convincing Comrade Carl Marks to stop learning Ukrainian, start fixing product bugs, and stop hallucinating that he is Russian.

Stan

Big Data Baby

Use of a Voice Menu to rebrand our response to the so called Corona virus

Ramsbottom, Axe and a very white Hugh White
A votre service

A major component of HR's re-branding strategy is our user

friendly voice mail on all issues pertaining to the so-called 

corona pandemic.

All of our covid-related services, including provision of the 

corporate mask with my signature, are now easily accessed via

voice mail.

And a word of thanks (merci) to my coach, who flips burgers as well as works in appreciative inquiry, for these wow ideas.

Main Menu of our voice mail:

1. For the big data storage room and access to the Russian vaccine, press 0.
2. For medium and small data as well as rumours, and a AZ shot straight from England, press 1.
3. For blockchain driven remote tooth extraction delivered on line by a Russian dental assistant, press 2.
4. To hear the top wow 10 top HR slogans in Gloria's shrill voice, press 3, then 4.
5. For a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our beloved Early Bird Retirement Plan, Employability Czar and  Anti-Stress Coach, press 4. 
6. To order in supper from Spanish restaurant at midnight, press 34
7. To hear about our 2023 growth plan, press 6.
8. For sexual harassment issues, please contact our legal consultants: McDuff, McNamara, McCarthy and Mack Cohen.
9. For minor health issues related to corona-related gasping, please read the small print of our health insurance plan. (English translation available soon)
10. For Hugh White from Diversity, type in G for Gay- S for straight-NC for non Caucasian-or DA for disability, and you will be transferred to an attendant.
11. To hear about HR's business partnership with CEO Stan, stay on the line and speak to an " attendant" in Kazakhstan, who is now acquiring some English skills.
12. To get an almost certified exemption from wearing a mask on flights, send 10 pounds to Ramsbottom House, Ramsbottom Lane, Marsh Path, Mill Hill, NW 7
13. For talent management, career path, knowledge management and others fads of the week, please hang up and we will return your call when we start seeing revenue from our non wow products.
14. To accept grim reality like no sunlight or covid yet  smile, sign up for our Danish language webinar.
15. For Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR, Coach and Chief People Officer, please contact one of my empowered lackeys. I personally am focused on the business. Tak.

The Dangers posed by High Performance

Hi performers need my special attention

Although CEO Stan and I generally communicate by text, today, Stan sent me a email with an attachment about our high performers! Mais oui!

In the email, Stan pointed out some non-sustainable issues around the high performers in our company. And I quote.

a-There are too few high performers from the "Big Data A Team", Engineering or Sales, as opposed to a plethora of high performers in HR, such as Cynthia Axe.

b-High performers tend to earn "too much money" and are "overly eager" to be promoted "all the time".

c-Instead of motivating mediocre people to become high performers, everyone seems to wonder why they themselves are not high performers.

d-What message are we giving to our company, given the fact that the erratic #IoT chief, Comrade Carl Marks, has been classified as a high performer since Joseph Stalin was premier of Russia.

e-Some high performers, like Thor Smartahss from the algorithm team in the Faroe Islands, have "too many ideas".

I suggested to Stan to draw up a plan that "will enable us to leverage high performance without upsetting the apple cart". Now I need to figure out what this means. I will use big data.

8 cornerstones of My Personal Branding Strategy , based on IoE

Branding Gloria Ramsbottom

To brand myself as thought leader, I use several strategies, in line with my core value of agility. As a sign of my desire to gain fame, I will share my branding strategy.

1) This blog is a major component of my branding strategy.

2) I use Internet of Everything, and Anything. This allows me to position my input relevantly, daily, ie, on a weekly basis.

3) Hiring and retaining both Cynthia Axe and Hugh White as my lackeys has allowed me to stay ahead of the pack. Please note that I do have a succession plan for these eager beavers.

4) The relationship I maintain with  chief IoE nerd Comrade Carl Marks is one of business partnership, utter disdain and back stabbing; Comrade Carl hates and fears me, which enhances my brand especially since Comrade Carl is under performing.

5) My uncanny ability to think and text simultaneously creates the impression of on-line business partnership. Texting also lessens the need for me to use my shrill and bossy voice, as my Dad used to refer to it.

6) I am a White girl from Canada, yet I speak French,  and some Catalan, so I am somewhat diverse, but not too much. I am always perky. These are cornerstones of my branding.

7) I refrain from using slogans, except for sustainable, engagement, big data and business partnership.

8) Once I finish my degree in law and IT in a ivy league on line school, my brand will be perfected.

Branding myself as an HR thought leader has been a wow-wow (2 wows) experience; I am well known in New Zealand, Scotland, Bangalore (which is in India), Austria, South Africa, Brunei, Singapore, Shanghai (which is in the Orient), USA and the Faroe Islands. In Denmark, only Hamlet and Søren Kierkegaard are  better known than me.