Tuesday, 10 June 2014

The politics of big data

Nicole put my picture on Hugh's wall

When our CEO Stan appointed Ms Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) as "HR focal point for Big Data", I cannot say I felt wow wow wow. I felt wow minus 2.

Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs my Diversity program) informed his wife, Ms Ludmilla White, that Ms Axe has seized the big data portfolio. 

Upon hearing the news, Ludmilla, who was brought up in the Former Soviet Union, threw a punch which Hugh managed to avoid, or he would have been knocked out cold.

Hugh confided in me that his wife believes that he suffers from "a low level of testosterone". Ludmilla added: "You need to think like a politruk!"

Within a week, I noticed a difference in Hugh's behaviour. Hugh started talking to me about "creating a power base", and "serving as a counter balance" to Ms Axe. To make things stranger, Hugh kept using the words in Russian.

I noticed my picture on the wall in Hugh's room. I knew that luck was now on my side, if I played my cards right, as it were. I love saying "as it were".

Today I sent this email to Stan.

To: Stan, CEO

CC: Hugh White from Diversity
CC: Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement and Diversity

Stan,
Hugh and I are working hand in hand with Ms Axe (Cynthia) to ensure you get all the big data that you need.
Hugh believes that he should gather the big data from the diversity perspective. As you know, all our engineers are diverse. Not one speaks good English, and many have no sex life.
Do you mind if I coordinate and serve as a focal point between Ms Axe and Diversity from a big data perspective, so ensure that you get as much big data as possible?
Gloria

Stan answered in a "to all reply": "Sure, and make sure that the reporting lines get cleared up". Stan




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