Perfuming the Pig

The Germans are coming

A German company will start due diligence tomorrow morning. Our not so firm firm is a perfect candidate for a take-over. 

I read once a one hundred word article that claimed that mergers and acquisitions often fail, but the Germans often know why because they are experts in detail.

This morning we dedicated our management meeting to what CEO Stan called ``Perfuming the Pig``, ie- putting make up over some of our semi wow blemishes.

I remember that when my mother Constance would put on make up before she and my late Dad Pierre Elliot went to a movie, Dad would say, `Christ Constance, I can hardly recognize you. You look great``. Dad never used the expression `perfume the pig`, and Mom would have rung his neck had he done so.

Comrade Carl our chief nerd, speaking with a slight Russian accent, said that he could make 95% of our bugs into features, by harping on the internet of things. CEO Stan said, `Comrade Carl, don`t fuck up. These Germans aren`t stupid. They almost conquered Stalingrad``. 

I had prepared for this management meeting, in line with my core value of staying in control. I said, `` Our HR unit has both a high skill set, a high level of motivation, fine leadership, and I see myself as a candidate to take over all of HR after the merger.``

Stan corrected me- `It`s an acquisition Ramsbottom``.

So I corrected myself. ``I can return to purchasing, or be a senior admin, or work in Big Data in charge of gossip``. 

Stan ended the meeting with a motivational speech. `Carl, if you fuck up, you`ll go to  Russia on a way ticket. Gloria, it's really cold up there in Canada so if you want to stay down here in the States, get it right. Make sure the troops are engaged when the Germans arrive. Put wood behind the engagement arrow. That`s HR`s job. And make sure Ms Cynthia Axe is well dressed, if you get my drift.``

Holidays at home can be depressing

I broke 2 vows

When I flew home to Moose Jaw, Canada for the Christmas holidays, I vowed that I would not allow my mother (Constance) to get under my skin, and I also vowed to stay away from email and texting.

So far, progress on these two vows has been semi wow.

Maman (Mom) is loosing her memory and as a result, she repeated a few questions:

   Gloria, when are you coming home for Christmas?

   Gloria, are you still in Manpower?

   Gloria, do you ever plan to "settle down"?

Developing matrices is a major part of HR business partnership, so I noted that she asked each question about three times an hour.

When Maman really got on my nerves an hour after I arrived, I opened my email, where I found a greeting from CEO Stan.

To Gloria, HR

From Stan, CEO

Gloria,

How is it in Canada?  Must be colder that a witch's tit "up there".

I hope you take the time to be with your mother and siblings, as well as reflect on a few issues, if you have time.

You need to find a way to boost morale, and at the same time, realign our health plan to our core values of thriftiness. I reviewed the numbers, and people complain too much, and our health plan is too fucking expensive.

What is all this diversity shit about, Gloria? I don't care who is normal and who is not-we need to make the numbers. So, what do you suggest in terms of trimming 80% off Hugh White's $3000 budget? That will create more of a focus.

Finally, there is too much tension between you and Comrade Carl. Carl is a prince! He bought Wifey some caviar and gave her an article to read on Internet of Things. Build a bridge to the Comrade, Gloria.

Oh yes, one last thing. We need some hype when you get back. A German company is going to be doing due diligence and I want the troops to be positive. You are great at that hype stuff.

Merry Christmas.

Stan

Twas the night before Christmas

Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. 

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
All the staff had gone home, even Carl the louse.
Cynthia's axe was hung on her door with great care.
In the hope that this day, HR would be "fair".

Hugh White and Ludmilla will be nestled in bed,
I need to visit my mother back home, what a dread.
Stan with his lasagna and Wifey with books,
We shall all overeat, and neglect our good looks.

We will continue to service the nerds of Internet of Things,
What a challenge this wow technology brings!
Remember the ladies and Hugh from HR.
And don't forget Carl, the chief geek, so bizarre.


Joyeux Noël .....les dames de l'équipe RH , et Hugh Leblanc.

Miss Cynthia Axe, Hugh White (from Diversity) 
and his wife Ludmilla (nee Khrushchev),  
Comrade Carl Marks, Stan and Gloria, the first lady of HR, wish all my readers a Merry Christmas, as it were.

Internet of things, sexual history and career path

Comrade Carl Marks, VP Emerging Technologies, sent me a Whats-app message: "Gloria, I notice you are immersing yourself in

the internet of things/IoT. Let's have supper tonight and I will give you my input on using IoT to garner more power. Let's go to a Russian restaurant. Comrade Carl Marks".

To be frank and earnest, I do not like Russian food; I prefer Oriental food, aka "les mets chinois" in French . But I certainly do like enhancing my power base. So I texted Carl:  "Comrade Carl, send me the address and I will meet you at 7 pm."

Comrade Carl had apparently had a few vodkas by the time I arrived. When I walked into our booth, he hugged me and said, "Jesus, Gloria you have nice legs. I hate HR but "they" don't  make HR ladies like you any more. Together, we shall change the world". Carl was wearing a T shirt inscribed with "Internet of Things is better than sex"

I realized that the alcohol and Comrade Carl's medication were "interacting".

After some chit chat and idle gossip, Carl stood up and asked me , "Gloria, did you know that the internet of things is tool that will allow HR to create causal and non causal explanations between promotions, sexual history, respect for HR, loyalty, engagement and marketability? Can you imagine what HR will look like? The ladies of HR would have more power than Trump, Stalin, Netanyahu, Queen Elizabeth or Erdogan!" Then Carl sat down.

The truth is that I do not know who these people are, since my "forte" was French and not history or literature. But I nodded my head in tacit understanding. What a word-tacit!  

( I think Erdogan is an abortion advocate).

Then Carl whispered in my ear, "all I asking from you, Gloria, is to ask the board to invest $400,000 in an HR data base and I will take in from there. In two years, a new HR will appear, and together, we can dispose of CEO Stan, whom we both agree is useless as tits on a bull". Carl looked as happy as a Chesire cat. I was mildly shocked.

I told Carl to mind his foul language since I am posh, have an new English accent,  and have accountability on all Diversity issues. 

Stan, is the Comrade organizing a coup? (French word)

Crafting an end of year message for our nerds

Put a spin on this, Ramsbottom

I had planned to go home early when CEO Stan texted me to come to his office "to craft my messages for the God damn 2019 new years' party".  During our short meeting, his crafty wife (Wifey) had called in to hear my advice. 

Stan said: "Gloria, we have falling revenues, our investors are pissing in their pants and Comrade Carl's vision about blending our product's deficiencies into a blockchain is a crock of shit. The main asset of our company is my leadership and the confiscated passports of the foreign engineers.It is HR's role to put a spin and deliver this message positively." 

Readers, this challenge is easier than periodic updating of our ethics code to be more flexible, as it were. And equipped with my spiffy new English accent, I feel that I know how to communicate. It's my forté , which is a French word.

So I told Stan that we need to talk about the 2019 growth plan, and thank the staff for their patience.  Furthermore, the silver bullet capabilities of blockchains, augmented by big data and cloud computing, provide us with a platform to be a wow wow wow company. Then, reassure the engineers that their confiscated passports are in safekeeping in our Moscow office, and dusted off each day.

I also told Stan that few of the staff speak English or even celebrate new years, so in general, all he just needs to exude joy. Exude is such a posh word. 

Stan started to cry and he hugged me, in a paternal way. Wifey (who thought that I had left the room)  was heard saying: "I told you Stanley, your greatest asset is that Canadian HR manager of yours. She is a street fighter if I ever saw one. Did you notice her English accent? So impressive.

Specialite de la maison

The Christmas Party Fiasco

C'est pas un cadeau

"Gloria, I want the Christmas party to increase employee engagement, especially for the nerds and geeks. Please lead this process in a democratic fashion, but I hold you responsible for the results. Stan."

I received the above text from CEO Stan 2 months ago. Ever since then, I have had indigestion, as it were.

My Dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, was not a great believer in democracy. 

Dad used to get very upset when reading the newspapers and used to say "Hitler would be Governor General of Canada if we ran the RCAF via democracy." 

The RCAF, for my American readers who tend not to be worldly, is the Royal Canadian Airforce.

I feel somewhat like Dad. Today we had a meeting of the CPTF, the Christmas Party Task Force, which is run as a democratic tree-hugging, consensus driven committee which is not allowed to vote.

The CPTF committee met to put on the final touches on next weeks' party, and once again everyone reverted back to issues that I had assumed were "water under the bridge", another term Dad used a lot.

The straight white  boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White, restated that 30% of the staff are Christians. Whined Hugh: "The vast majority of our staff are Hindu, Islam, Confucian, Jewish or other, so why are we imposing ourselves? This is not Diversity compliant." 

It is important for me to mention that Hugh and his wife Comrade Ludmilla White (nee Khrushchev) belong to the 30%, in line with my core value of Diversity.

Downsizer/Load-shredder Cynthia Axe did not even pretend to give a hoot about the party. Axe emphasized that "if I need to fire anyone during the party, I'm outta here". Under duress, Axe speaks with sloppy English. As I acquire my posh English accent, it appears to me more and more that in some ways, Axe is poor white trash. 

Emerging Technologies Chief Comrade Carl Marks, it appears, has ordered the Russian Red Army Choir to be piped in by video to the party, at a cost of 500,000 rubles. I told Carl he was way over budget. 

Comrade Carl stood up, drank something from a flask that smelt of brandy and said: "Budgets are for pussy cats, Gloria. Kibinimat budget. Go "screw yourselves" with the budget. We need vision, not a budget. We need motivated nerds, not a budget. We need to bury our products bugs in the internet of things-not a budget. 

HR is useless. Let's set up a union, like the French do all the time".

CEO Stan asked me by text-"is the party ready? The party is HR's domain. But try and accommodate the ever so eccentric Comrade Carl. Stan"

Ever so eccentric

                                                          

My CEO claims, "I may not need HR"

Stan wants us all to be nice

CEO Stan sent a text to Hugh White (the heterosexual White Boy who runs Diversity), a certain Ms Cynthia Axe who heads "People Shredding/Downsizing Department" and to me: "be in my office at 800 am, and don't dare to be late".

My dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that when you are well paid, you need to put up with "a lot of shit". I am well paid.

The meeting began on time yet Stan continuously gawked at Ms Axe, of whom he keeps abreast.

Stan showed 5 slides in a ppt called, "Why I may not need an HR Dept".

Slide One: People here are not fucking civil or nice to one another.

Slide Two: Emerging-technologies and Sales have fist fights.

Slide Three: When I took a leak yesterday, I heard people gossiping that leadership here sucks. They were referring to me!

Slide Four: Either HR is worth our investment, or all 3 of you are out on your fucking asses.

Slide Five: I want a civil and "nice" environment within a week. Now get your HR business-partnership butts out of here and shake a leg.

I would define the meeting with Stan as challenging or non wow. So I need a consultant.

As readers of this blog know,  I think coaching/consulting is dead. However, if there is one thing I can tell you about these  snake oil consultants is that they are nice. 

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that I should always be careful of people who are "too nice".

I picked up my phone and called 3 OD consultants. They were all asked to prepare a "Be Civil and Nice" campaign. I told them that the work is pro bono, and each agreed as long as I signed my autograph on their business card.

I told each OD consultant that they would also be charged $500 for my management time, and all agreed.

At the end of the day, I chose an English-speaking, smooth, impressive, tall, single and charming  consultant, who also is an blockchain expert, who agree to tutor me in with tips and OD techniques.

When the blockchain geeks take over

#2

I heard lots of noise from the R&D conference room. The noise consisted of nerds speaking in foreign tongues, loud Hindi, Russian, Hebrew, Ukrainian and Cantonese music blazing from mobile phones, and Comrade Carl Marks holding a megaphone, addressing his motley group of blockchain engineers.

Comrade Carl bellowed: "Without your support, I would never have been appointed as second in command. Kibinimat, I am going to change things. We will not waste our time on quality. We will bury tactical bugs in the internet of things. I will set up a union and liberate all of us from the ladies of HR's tyranny". 

Even by Carl's standards, I was shocked by his hallucinations.

Suddenly, I got a text from Cynthia Axe the head of "Load-shedding" and Early Bird Retirement. "Have you heard about Carl's promotion to be number 2"?

When Axe wrote "have you heard", I knew she smelt blood. No one is as bloodthirsty as a junior HR employee.

I walked at a quick clip into CEO Stan's room. I did not even knock at the door, although I am posh. Stan was standing at the door as I came in and he said:

 "Gloria, you are the first lady of HR-so I am giving you a new Toyota Prius. Here are the key's! Let's go to the parking lot!"

I want to reaffirm that a key component of the success of a senior HR manager is business partnership with the boss.

My new Prius says it all- I am an agile, highly valued and well paid HR business partner.

Comrade Carl and I will iron out our many differences.

Business partner

What I have learnt about blockchain

On Tuesdays, people is my middle name

The only English speaking employee in R&D Engineering (besides Comrade Carl Marks) is old de Villiers who sleeps during round tables and long presentations.

De Villers is a soft spoken and comes from Africa, but not in that order. Our CEO Stan once asked me "How come de Villiers is as white as a lily?"  I referred him to Hugh White, from Diversity, who gave Stan a detailed answer. 

After Hugh's explanation, Stan texted me: "don't ever allow Hugh White to waste my time again, Gloria, or I'll fire your ass back to Canada."

It appears that Hugh did not make a good impression on Stan.

Anyway on Friday, the aforementioned Hugh White came into my office today, accompanied by old de Villiers. "Gloria I would ask that you listen to old de Villers", blurted Hugh.

As HR manager, I listen to people on Tuesdays, but de Villiers is a key contributor on matters relating to blockchain. So I stopped texting my sister and asked all to sit down.

De Villiers told me that "back where I was born, in South Africa, there is a crisis we can all learn from. (De Villers pronounced crisis as "cry-sis".) The electric company, which is run even worse that our company, started rationing power due to third world management techniques. Instead of replacing management and demanding accountability, they started a program call load-shedding, teaching people how to use less electricity."  (De Villiers pronounces less as "lis".)

Then de Villiers looked at me with parental tenderness and said, "Gloria, I have always been very fond of you. No one here likes HR very much. So I have a process improvement to suggest.  After all, I am an engineer. Why don't you rename HR as "Load-Shedding and Talent Management?"

This is one of the first times that an employee has approached me directly, although people is my middle name. I felt mild aggravation that my time was being wasted, as text messages began to accumulate.

However, I do have manners. So I asked de Villiers for his mobile number and BBM pin number, and promised to "revert" to him with an answer to his proposal.

Then I asked de Villiers for a tutorial on blockchain. De Villers agreed and Hugh White was allowed to go home early and attend to his wife, the very demanding Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Khrushchev.

Hugh White

Fat Financial package and incentives available to recruit geeks for Internet of Things

Installments

Do you personally  know of any geeks who want to join a wow wow wow company? That's 3 wows. My "ask" is to review the gory details, and spread the word.

Comrade Carl Mark's R&D Department is about to recruit 10 fresh geeks to develop the interface between our newest product and the internet of things. 

The geeks will be tasked with "embedding" some of our existing products' deficiencies into the internet of things, which will enable our existing developers to move on to better and more sexier things, without wasting time on "operability issues".

Many readers of this blog may ask, "why join the company where Gloria works?" There is no need to ask that question. That's why my "positive-thinking" coach told me. He pumps gas and sells herbal cures to supplement his income.

The financial package we offer is truly incredible. All geeks get a fat loan, a Blackberry Passport, a picture of Cynthia Axe at our Health Club doing push ups and an exemption from being fired by text for 2 months. Furthermore, each new recruit will get to view a management webinar from Poland-based based Wiser@work.

The fat loan I was referring to is delivered to each recruit in installments, from the word, stall. Exact details are being worked out by our attorneys.

Our company's core belief is that "to the internet of things, our future clings". What does this mean? It means that HR will stand behind you in the rare case that you encounter difficulties, as it were. 

My Dad, Pierre Elliot used to joke about "standing behind you". However, this blog, and its readers are posh. Some readers have a British accent, or at least speak good English.

Come join us

Why leaders must stop serving warm Cool Aid in the era of Internet of Things

Blowing smoke up our ass?

VP of  Internet of Things, Comrade Carl Marks, started off the week like a "bull in a China shop" in our management meeting, as my late Dad Pierre Elliot used to say. First, a bit of background.

We have a new product which Comrade Carl claims "is a pearl", yet our clients believe that "the product is a piece of shit", as it were.

Comrade Carl had claimed at first that the product is stable and the only issue is a "service issue" as well as the lack of client sophistication. Comrade Carl has had to change his "tune".

Under pressure to find a solution, Comrade Carl spelt out the strategy of "sinking some of our products' liabilities into the platform of Internet of Things, so as to move on to newer and greater things". No one really understood what Comrade Carl meant except me; as HR manager, I adopt slogans quickly.

(My coach, who pumps gas, told me that Comrade Carl needs new strong medication.)

Today, at the management meeting, CEO Stan attacked Comrade Carl, Stan claimed "we do not have time to wait for your cock-and-bull vision to mature, Comrade  Carl. We have numbers to meet, for Christ's sake. This is not a publicly owned Russian utility - we need profit, not vision. You are "blowing smoke up our ass, Comrade Carl. Why don't you emigrate to Russia, or Ukraine?"

Comrade Carl winked at me. Then Carl spoke  "Stan, just look how quickly Gloria aligned the ladies of HR department to whistle and sloganize about the Internet of Things. It's easy Stan. Just go the Board and ask for more time and money to support the new vision. Don't be frightened Stan-lead. No one drinks the old kool-aide any more. Lead Stan! Gloria should be your role model! "

HR is a role model for early adaptation

Google and my blog

My dear readers,

My Dad, the late Pierre Elliot, always warned me that "with greatness comes headaches".

At 6 am when I opened my eyes and stretched out my hand to open my Blackberry Passport, I read an email that Google agreed to publish advertisements on my blog.

Naturally I felt wow wow wow, (3 wows) although I was not surprised.

Then, I read a text message from CEO Stan: "Gloria, good work. Meet me at the office at 8". Always prompt and responsive, I staggered into Stan's room. "Do me a favour Gloria. In your blog, don't mention the 3 pictures I have on my wall." I won't go into details now, but one of those pictures is a picture of Kim Jong Un (one). 

Who are the other 2?

Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs my Diversity department, also had a request. (Hugh is reading a book on "Sexual Orientation and the Internet of Things".)

Hugh asked of me, "Do me a favour, Gloria, in your blog don't mention that my wife Ludmilla's maiden name is Khrushchev. It just gets me another black eye".

Hugh White gets a black eye from wife - Comrade Ludmilla K White 

The jocund Comrade Carl Marks, Head of R&D came into my room, smoking a cigar dipped in cognac. "Gloria, congratulations. I heard you have a blog with advertisements. What the hell do you write about? HR is useless, kibinimat. Do me a favour-write a blog about the internet of things and you'll get more hits, make money and resign. I love you Gloria and you have lovely legs. But HR blogs are like necrophilia-HR is dead"

What is there to write about, kibinimat?

Mom just called me. She is losing her memory. Mama asked me "Gloria, is Google advertising on your manpower blog? When are you getting married? Is Google advertising on your manpower blog?

I date Internet of Things Men, sunshine. Not big data " boys"

Wise and virile

The very unstable semi-virile and apparently wise head of R&D, Comrade Carl Marks, recently suggested that "we" focus efforts on embedding our non-wow product in the Internet of Things so that product stability issues are "mitigated".

That statement sounded to me like Erdogan's statement that the Turks founded America, yet nevertheless our CEO endorsed Comrade Carl's line, and I "signed up" shortly thereafter.

Needless to say, I convened a meeting of our HR team and immediately aligned HR's mission, structure and values with the new and wow wow wow direction.

Mission: 
"Deeply steeped in tradition of Internet of Things, HR will drive to implement Internet of Things in the spirit of humanism, thrift and HR business partnership, whatever that means".

Structure: 
Due to the strategic nature of Internet of Things, HR VP Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux's title will be hereon in:
VP HR and Project Czar for HR-Internet of Things Support.

Hugh White from Diversity will recruit people with liabilities, people of colour and different sexual morality to the 
switchboard, Finance, & Supply Chain.

Ms Axe (Cynthia) from Early Bird Retirement will keep her paws OFF the Internet of Things.

Values:
HR values Internet of Things more than gossip, big data and juicy pictures of staff gone astray.

Personal:
I shall date men from internet of things, sunshine. I shan't date big data boys.

Aligning HR with Internet of Things

Toot toot tootsie goodbye

Toot toot tootsie, goodbye

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom may he rest in peace, loved Al Jolson's song "toot toot tootsie goodbye."  Why am I tell my normative nerdy readers this bizarre fact? Looky looky at this email which just popped into my inbox. Big data!

To CEO Stan

From Juliette Caesar, Head of Sales

CC: Comrade Carl Marks (R&D); Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux (HR)

BCC: all

Dear Stan,

Starting immediately, I announce my resignation as Head of Sales.

When I assumed this position, you told me that "product robustness" could be a challenge. The feedback that I have received from the market is that our so-called product is a bunch of random and unrelated features which do not bring value... nor do most of these features really exist, except in Comrade Carl Mark's rambling senseless power points.

Yesterday when I heard that Comrade Carl wants to "blend our product into the internet of things to minimize the need for feature stability", I realized that he is a crackpot. Why do you even tolerate his feigned Russian accent? Maybe you are the crackpot!

You were right about Gloria, however. She is very tactical and practical, she is responsive, she uses the term "business partnership" all the time. But Stan, she is brainless and constantly conniving.  

Where is the of HR value? In 3 months, I received 400 texts about non issues, like diversity, free webinars from cost effective vendors and a list as core values which update themselves weekly! I felt I was watching the Adams Family when I read her text messages.

I appreciate your gr8 support, I loved the team, and I wish you all a happy holiday season. 
It was an absolute pleasure working for you. I'm out. 

Juliette Caesar

Readers, I must say that I am now ambivalent to Ms Caesar's departure. On one hand she sold nothing. On the other hand, she sold nothing.

Gloria