Friday, 19 December 2014

Crafting an end of year message for our nerds

Put a spin on this, Ramsbottom

I had planned to go home early when CEO Stan texted me to come to his office "to craft my messages for the God damn 2019 new years' party".  During our short meeting, his crafty wife (Wifey) had called in to hear my advice. 

Stan said: "Gloria, we have falling revenues, our investors are pissing in their pants and Comrade Carl's vision about blending our product's deficiencies into a blockchain is a crock of shit. The main asset of our company is my leadership and the confiscated passports of the foreign engineers.It is HR's role to put a spin and deliver this message positively." 

Readers, this challenge is easier than periodic updating of our ethics code to be more flexible, as it were. And equipped with my spiffy new English accent, I feel that I know how to communicate. It's my forté , which is a French word.

So I told Stan that we need to talk about the 2019 growth plan, and thank the staff for their patience.  Furthermore, the silver bullet capabilities of blockchains, augmented by big data and cloud computing, provide us with a platform to be a wow wow wow company. Then, reassure the engineers that their confiscated passports are in safekeeping in our Moscow office, and dusted off each day.

I also told Stan that few of the staff speak English or even celebrate new years, so in general, all he just needs to exude joy. Exude is such a posh word. 

Stan started to cry and he hugged me, in a paternal way. Wifey (who thought that I had left the room)  was heard saying: "I told you Stanley, your greatest asset is that Canadian HR manager of yours. She is a street fighter if I ever saw one. Did you notice her English accent? So impressive.

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