Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Perfuming the Pig


The Germans are coming


A German company will start due diligence tomorrow morning. Our not so firm firm is a perfect candidate for a take-over. 
I read once a one hundred word article that claimed that mergers and acquisitions often fail, but the Germans often know why because they are experts in detail.

This morning we dedicated our management meeting to what CEO Stan called ``Perfuming the Pig``, ie- putting make up over some of our semi wow blemishes. (IE is French) 

I remember that when my mother Constance would put on make up before she and my late Dad Pierre Elliot went to a movie, Dad would say, `Christ Constance, I can hardly recognize you. You look great``. Dad never used the expression `perfume the pig`, but my aunt Maya did.

Comrade Carl, speaking with a slight Russian accent, said that he could make 95% of our bugs into features, by harping on the internet of things. CEO Stan said, `Comrade Carl, don`t fuck up. These Germans aren`t stupid. They almost conquered Stalingrad``. 

I had prepared for this management meeting, in line with my core value of staying in control. I said, `` Our HR unit has both a high skill set, a high level of motivation, fine leadership, and I see myself as a candidate to take over all of HR after the merger.``

Stan corrected me- `It`s an acquisition Ramsbottom``.

So I corrected myself. ``I can return to purchasing, or be a senior admin, or work in Big Data in charge of gossip``. 

Stan ended the meeting with a motivational speech. `Carl, if you fuck up, you`ll go to  Russia on a way ticket. Gloria, it is cold as witch`s tit in Canada, and if you want to stay down here in the States, get it right. Make sure the troops are engaged when the Germans arrive. Put wood behind the engagement arrow. That`s HR`s job. And make sure Ms Axe is well dressed.``

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