Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Useless hearsay vrs bigdata-what impacts Sales performance


Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks lurched into my office today, huffing, puffing and cursing in Russian. "Kibinimat, did you read the email from Juliette Caesar"?

Juliette is the Head of Sales. Her "numbers" this quarter are "as poor as a church mouse", as my dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say.

I opened my PC and read her email, which was far too long (over 100 words);  it violated our b brief policy.

"The major factors impacting the poor sales results are 

  • 307,989 revenue impacting software bugs, 
  • poor documentation, 
  • products lack perceived added value, 
  • poor reviews in domain literature, 
  • attitude problems of the R&D manager Comrade Carl Marks who insists on feigning a Russian accent, 
  • lack of linguistic skills of the customer service staff, 
  • constantly changing specs for the next release." 

Juliette added: "The paltry sum our sales team receives is the cherry on top of the cake. The HR EVP, Gloria Ramsbottom, appears to be a mindless clerk focused on her own power."

I never knew that Juliette had such observation skills. 

Imho, Juliette will be "down for the count" before our Christmas party, which the Chinese, Jews and Muslims will attend, as per our global company diversity policy.

Dad used to watch Friday Night Boxing, piped in by cable TV from the States. I would always hear him yell, "Christ, he's down for the count, tabernac".

What is clear to me is that Ms Caesar did use some big data to make her argument, but she also used some useless hear say, as it were.

My suggestion to Ms Caesar and her mainly white and perfect English speaking team sales team will be to listen to a webinar on the power of positive attitude and spread some positive vibes around. 

That`s what my coach says to me all the time.

He used to pump gas.

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