Monday, 17 November 2014

Performance appraisal, Gungnam Style

Our CEO Stan invited me and Comrade Carl Marks to a meeting at 0900 am.  We sat around the beloved management mahogany table and Stan`s private chef served bagels and cream cheese. My Lord, I live for moments like this. Neither of us is Jewish, but I did enjoy the food. (I did have a Jewish classmate, Sharon Bernstein).

Stan appeared in a jocund mood and he asked us both, ``let`s have an open and candid talk about the performance of your colleague,Juliette Caesar, the Head of Sales.`` This is Stan`s version of performance appraisal.

Comrade Carl Marks spoke up first: ``That bitch Juliette could not sell cold lemonade on a hot beach in August, kibinimat. The product is a pearl, and I know how much popular demand there for our technology. Yet that useless and self serving `suka`` is always pursuing the wrong leads. Stan, you should have checked a big data base before you hired her.``

(I have learnt the meaning of that  word ``suka``.)

Comrade Carl continued: ``Why do we have an HR function in our organization, kibinimat? Why….Gloria has instincts like an alley cat! Her instincts are better than big data.  So why don`t we get input from the first lady of HR, Ms Gloria Ramsbottom, who I have come to adore, and not because of her legs``.

I have two brothers, Frank and Earnest. To be frank and earnest, I did like the title Carl gave me. 

Quoting myself verbatim, as it were, here is what I told Stan and Comrade Carl. Italics show where I used my new British accent.

`Now look heyah (here). We have three choices, as it wehr (were). 

1) I can have Juliette write a mission statement with my coach;

2)  I can have a one on one with her to `sohrt (sort) her out` ;

3) I can arrange a meeting between Ms Cynthia Axe and Juliette within 2 seconds, and she will vanish from the face of the earth in one fell swoop. After which I assume Juliette will sell "internet-of-things".

Stan and Carl ask me what I ``recommend``.I remember what my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to tell me, `Gloria but careful what you cook because sometimes you need to eat it`.

This week I have a ``one on one`` with Juliette.
I love the term ``one on one``. 

No comments:

Post a Comment