Sunday, 31 May 2015

Hedging big data

Big Data Hedge Fund

Our CFO provided us quarterly data in a 88 slide ppt called "Concise Big Data Financial Package" in the senior management team quarterly business review. This is the meeting where we senior folks all talk business and I feel most important as an HR business partner. However I do feel the heat from our CEO and my peers.

"Big data" is like a financial report, 100 % hindsight", bellowed CEO Stan. Stan ranted and raved about an increase in the cost of goods sold, as well as fines to the tune of $500,000 paid to customers due to late deliveries. "Comrade Carl, our product is too complex to make profit and your staff are lazy foreigners, waiting for their green cards. They believe that we will fire them if they finish the product! And what does this all mean, Comrade Carl? It means that you are as useless as tits on a bull, as a leader". 
I believe an OD consultant will call that constructive confrontation. My Dad would call it "getting the be-Jesus knocked out of you". Mom would say, "Pierre Elliot, don't cuss like that next to Gloria".

Comrade Carl, in response to Stan's "what do you have to say?" looked at me and said, "All this big data nonsense about the level of engagement being low is HR mumbo jumbo. Our staff is busting their balls, and our product is a pearl." Then Carl added, "what good is HR big data, unless it is futuristic, and hedged to the Greek drachma and Russian rubble?"

Stan, stunned by Comrade Carl's attack nevertheless asked me, "Gloria, do you hedge your HR big data to be more futuristic?"

Never one to be surprised, I texted my coach (who pumps gas and works as an agile coach) and provided an answer that Stan deemed, "very appropriate, Miss Lemieux."

The problem is that Stan pronounces Lemieux as Lye-Mex.

Green card enabled quality

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