Striking a Balance between Disruptive and Resilient HR

Shebang

When our CEO Stan called me to his room by bellowing instead of texting me, I had a feeling something may be on his troubled mind, as it were. An HR business partner needs the instincts of an alley cat, not only big data.

"Why the hell isn't your HR department disruptive, for Christ's sake, Gloria? Our own chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, did a brilliant and impromptu survey-HR came out  in last place in disruptiveness". 

I thought that sentence was the end of the storm. I was "un-right".  (HR managers are rarely wrong)

Stan continued, "Your blind and slavish loyalty does not impress me anymore, Gloria. You need to "turn everything upside down"...then he added "before I close down the whole HR shebang".

Clearly Stan was focused in his comments and I reflected on what he said, in line with my core value of reflection. 

I acknowledged the pertinence of Stan's feedback and
I immediately promised to build a "disruptiveness plan" by nightfall. Since I come from Canada, night starts rather early. However, Stan texted me a new message before I put our disruption plan together. "Gloria, please build a resilience plan using a change manager". Stan then added the cell number of his nephew, who just received his diploma in Change Management, Coaching, HRIS, Internet of Things, Herbal Therapy and Gardening.

PS - Ms Axe read this post and asked me (via text) the following question: "Glo, is employee severance in any way resilient?" 

Resilient severance

Stress, wellness and the sex life of nerds

Mal au dos

One week ago, just before I fell asleep reading an article on the Internet of Things, I plugged my Blackberry Classic into a charger and pinched a nerve in my back. I had to crawl around my flat for a week, and even the speed of my texting decreased since everything caused me pain. I even lost my ambition for about 15 minutes.

My late Dad Pierre Elliot used to say "Gloria, I'd rather have a tooth extracted without anaesthetic than have a back ache." Dad used to get horrible back aches when my Mother Constance spent too much money shopping at La Baie, Simpsons and Eatons.

Senior executives at our firm have "Platinum Health Care", and naturally, as senior HR business partner, I have a very senior standing. As a result, I have access to very good care, as behooves my rank and station.

A Russian born chiropractor (who is married for the third time around)  visited me at my home and administered treatment 8 days consecutively. Today after the final treatment, he told me, "you can get back on your feet, young lady, but avoid stress. Share your burden with you colleagues and staff."

For heaven sake, how am I to avoid stress? During my absence, my junior staff, a certain Ms Cynthia Axe and Hugh White (Diversity), have had too much exposure, far overstretching their limited capabilities. 

Hugh even gave a lecture on his favourite topic (to the Internet of things team) "The Sex Drive of Overworked Nerd". White did not send me his presentation for approval.

And CEO Stan sent me a message by Whatsapp, "Gloria, don't worry, we are getting on well without you. Miss Axe has a fine mind. She just needs more talent management".

But the worst news I got this week was from Comrade Carl Marks. He sent me a text: 

• About your back, zhiz prozhit — ne pole pereyti. But, don't worry, everything is under control. Btw, I hired an OD consultant who will meet you if  when you return. Comrade Carl.

My chiropractor told me that Carl's message meant "life is not crossing a meadow". 

Even as I write this post, my back muscles are tightening up.

The 3 key business processes from which HR can create most value via Cloud Computing and Internet of Things

Quite the nerd

I remember that my English teacher (Ms. Celine Lavigne) used to tell me “Gloria, don’t give your compositions such long names. My lord, you are a practical young lady”. 

While I am not the rebellious type, I do have a mind of my own, as you see from the title of this post.

I am nerdifying myself at a drastic pace by rubbing shoulders with nerds, geeks, internet of things gurus, big data boys as well as having lunch daily with Comrade Carl Marks, our VP of Emerging Technology. I have even learnt to understand English with a Russian , Indian, Israeli and Chinese accent. 

I feel most of home in a technology environment, in line with my key value of "HR must become nerdy to save our burning asses", as it were.

I have identified the 3 major HR (and RH) business processes which I shall upgrade and migrate to a cloud, augmented by big data and in the context of internet of things.

1.      The first process is: “Recruitment-El Squeezo-Early Bird Retirement”.

2.      The second process is: “From HR as clerk to Deep Respect for HR Business Partnership”, even as Cynthia swings her axe with unmitigated grace.

3.      The third process is: “From compensation to flexible pray to get pay”.

Hugh White from Diversity was jocund about the use of the term “el squeezo”.

Cynthia Axe was pleasantly surprised she was mentioned by name.

BTW, I plan to use IBM as a single source vendor, unless they cease being cool.

Comrade Carl returns from France

Always the rebel

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, disappeared last week and resurfaced today.  I thought that Comrade Carl was at home balancing his medications. One of our nerds stated that all the big data indicated that the Comrade  had been in Moscow, at a CPSU congress. But intuition and technology had let us down. The comrade had been in Paris.

Comrade Carl stumbled into our management meeting at 930, having arrived straight from the Airport. "Kibinimat Gloria, HR travel policy sucks.  Why did I need to change planes in Gander Newfoundland just so that HR can save a few rubles? Yob tvoy mat- I never even knew Newfoundland existed! Next time, I will fly Air France, even if  they are on strike!".

Immediately Carl opened his Iphone and played us Sous les ponts de Paris. Our CEO Stan, very much Yankee Doodle, asked me "Ramsbottom, you speak French. What the hell is she singing about?"

Then Stan bellowed at Comrade Carl, "turn off your goddamned  phone Comrade Carl. This is not a nightclub, for Christ sake".

Stan always ends our management meeting with a "give us a brief update of your domain".

Comrade Carl gave his  brief summary. "I visited the French office and met with our French comrades. Kibinimat, they are an analytic lot. Whilst our Russian nerds code day and night without asking questions as if they were fighting the Battle of Stalingrad, our French engineering comrades do not like taking any risks until they analyse each task in great depth. Clearly this is an HR problem, stemming from poor recruitment and lack of appropriate HR techniques. This is a huge surprise, because Gloria is half French, if my memory serves me right."

Suddenly I got a text: "Gloria, I know you are not half French, but I am making a point. With affection and kisses, Comrade Carl".

Then Carl continued, "Bottom line, HR is useless. I cannot understand why we can't find Russian software engineers in Paris. We need code, and lots of it. Too much analysis will kill us". 

Stan turned to me and said, "Comrade Carl has a point. Fix that Gloria...in a week update us on the solution".

Je suis Carl

A rally

The police woke me up  at 8 am and served me a summons for disturbing the peace. 

I was fast asleep clutching my Blackberry so I thought that this is all a misunderstanding. 

However when I opened the summons, I had been charged not personally but in my capacity as very senior HR director. Apparently there is an illegal demonstration going on outside our office disturbing the peace.

My Dad Pierre Elliot said that police need to be pitied, because they have to deal with the "under-life" and they are all underpaid. (Dad had no understanding of labour costs.)

The police whipped out his ugly Iphone and said, "let me show this to you ma'am". I invited him in, in line with the my core value of not getting a cold.

He showed me a tape of Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks and his entire crew of engineers (big data and internet of things) blocking off the road that leads to our firm. 

There must have been 400 of them, many of whom look foreign. They were all speaking different tongues, like the in the Tower of Babel, as it were. I remember that from Bible Class.

Comrade Carl boomed out: Kibinimat, I am sick and tired of Engineers taking the blame for unsophisticated customers complaints and piss poor  performance of our Sale steam. We demand social justice. We demand better compensation. We demand less focus on quality and more focus on innovative software. And we demand that HR free lunchers all get the ax. 

The workers waived their fists in the air and chanted : 

Je suis Carl. 

Swing swing tabernac, RH au poteau! (HR to the pillory)

That's French.

Agile enables engagement of the nerd to be more appreciative

Prevent morbidity

On the plane back to work from Moose Jaw after the vacation, my smartphone was off. In order not to become a nervous wreck due to anxiety caused to lack of texting availability, I read a short article in the Air Canada magazine, En Route, which is French.

The name of the article was “Agility Prevents Fragility”, which I found to be rather clever. My father, Pierre Elliot, loved the work of Robert Service, who excelled in rhyming. Whenever I watch this link, I remember my Dad and think how proud he would be of my HR thought leadership.

The agility article shocked me because, unlike the Internet of Things, I understood immediately what I had not been smart enough to implement, although I am political and practical. As my Dad often pointed out, “you are a very very practical girl, Gloria. Your husband won’t need to do too much, will he?”

With all the respect for big data and the internet of things, I think agility is built to last, as it were. “As it were” is also built to last.

The moment I landed, I had a conference call with Cynthia Axe my downsizer and Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs Diversity. I demanded, nicely, that they demonstrate agility when supporting me.

Then, I sent a text to all our nerds in which I explained why compensation is not all that important; I asked them, assertively, to demonstrate more cognitive agility in assessing our reward structure.

I texted customer service "attendants" and explained to them how agile service can make our "shitty" product shine. (These is a term our unsophisticated clients use).

After which I pulled three slogans out of my sleeve: Lack of agility causes morbidity; agility increases fertility; be agile today, or meet Ms Axe tomorrow.

Finally, I changed the voice greeting of the HR voice menu, adding “for agile HR support, press 8".

Frequent Flier Travel Miles to be donated to company ...by nerds

Social Responsibility

To: Comrade Carl Marks, Chief Internet of Things Nerd

From: Gloria Ramsbottom, SVP HR 

CC: All

Comrade Carl,

In line with our core value of Social Responsibility, and in line with the fat salaries that you are paying your Internet of Things nerds, it has been decided that Frequent Flier Points accrued by your team will be donated to the company, starting today. 

By law, I need to inform you of this change by writing, yet I ask that this email remain just between the two of us. I do not want to bog down your engineers reading yet another document in English. As you know, many of your nerds come from foreign lands. It would a pity to have them waste their time reading administrative material. 

Please note that this policy also applies for private travel to employees' tribal homelands, if we are "safeguarding their passports".

HR appreciates your patronage and it is a pleasure to be your business partner. HR cares about our technical staff, especially those providing added value in Internet of Things.

One other point, my dear Comrade Carl. Airport lounge facilities for your staff caught in 14 hour waits between flights cost out firm $900 a year, and I have rescinded this for the time being. 

However, as we enter our 2019 growth phase, I will reconsider the lounge membership.

Spasiba and merci

Gloria

To: Gloria, All Engineers

From: Comrade Carl Marks

Boys,

Look what the ladies of HR have decided, kibinimat.

Ignore it! I will organize a union to rid our company of HR overhead and aggressive and senseless cost cutting.

Comrade Carl

Unique New Years' Resolution of a Nerdish HR Manager

Daily

I am sitting in the business class lounge of Moose Jaw Aeroport (French) in Canada , heading home after spending the Christmas and New Years holiday with my mother Constance, who is loosing her memory. 

Before I left Maman served tea and crumpets and she asked me the same questions time and time again. 

• When are you going back down to the States to your job in Manpower?
• Why don't you ever close your cellphone, Gloria? What a horrid habit that is!
• Do you live with anyone, Ms Ramsbottom?
• Do you know how proud I would be of you if you did something more creative?

My Dad used to tell Maman not to serve "those tasteless dry crumpets, Constance, for Christ's sake". I remembered that, kissed Maman goodbye, and skated back to the airport.

I made 5 new year resolutions, one of which is to be more patient with the old Bird, as my Dad would have called Maman.

Here are the other 4 resolutions, which I texted ahead to my team, Cynthia Axe and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who manages Diversity,

Innovation: On a weekly basis, ensure that the ladies of HR adopt and master a new HR technology, daily.

Nerdify HR: Ensure that Internet of Things, Big Data, Cloud Computing as well as each and every buzzword is assimilated "in a timely fashion" to create and leverage a nerd-like taint to HR.

Global: On a periodic basis, re-tweet in French, daily-to ensure a global posturing.

Sustainable: Stay ahead of the curve by use of small data, gossip and innocuous facts, daily.