With the administrative assistance of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, the head our Early Bird Retirement Plan, and in coordination with heterosexual and white Diversity Chief, Hugh White ,I have published the following directive to our Coaching, OD and Change Management vendors, so that each profession knows which R.F.P. to answer.
Please read carefully, and buzz off, because we have a vendor-less change and training program.
- A coach deals with individuals and tried not to impact the system because otherwise, he might be effective.
- A consultant deals with irrelevant issues like processes, alignment and undermining HR and Talent Management.
- A change manager deals with templates which provide a sense of "certainty".
- A coach studied coaching, and perhaps flower arrangement and fast food store management.
- Consultants studied psychology, sociology and even community organizing. Some even studied organizational behaviour, which is absurd! Organizations make money, for heaven sake They do not behave!
- A Change Manager studied weather forecasting, which is why they make very clear and concise commitments.
- Coaches use words like "sustainable and global" all the time. They stopped using the words "TQM and re engineering."
- Consultants use fewer buzzwords, because many of them have no work.
- Change managers are cogent, crisp and clear, although they often off-plan. I love word "cogent".
- HR uses the words "coach" and "consultant" consistently.
- Coaches and consultants use whichever term they need to, for heaven sake.
- Change managers use the words that the boss like most.
- Coaches spell the work censor, as in "satire should be censored as part of HR police-Y."
- Consultants claim that they are sensors, while HR is looking for censors, for heaven sake.
- Change Managers make "sense" of change, by making it predictable, not like OD slobs.