Knock the fear of God into the engineers' thick skulls

HR needs to knock some sense into their stupid heads

I got a text from CEO Stan whilst I reading a book on spying, even though HR should almost never spy on people.

Stan's text informed me that some of our engineers have been speaking directly with clients, misinforming them that our product is a hopeless "piece of crap".

My heavens! I once told my Dad, Pierre Elliot, that the summer day camp he sent me to was a "piece of crap", and he washed out my mouth with soap. That was in the days before women were free.

I texted Stan in return that these "developments" can be explained by R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks's erratic personality and lack of leadership, augmented (nice word) by Comrade Carl's tendency to drink Vodka with his anti-depressants.

Stan asked for help (to tow the nerds into line) from his HR business partner (c'est moi);  I signaled my agreement, in line with my core values of obedience. C'est moi is French.

Stan  asked me by the way if the engineers could build tunnels  to escape from our company. I told Stan I would check on that, although I am not sure how this is done. Yet.

Stan asked me if I can "knock the fear of God into the engineers' thick skulls", and I told Stan that this falls into HR's key competencies.

Btw, there is no reason whatsoever that employees should bad mouth our company to our clients. 

I almost never bite the hand that feeds me, as it were.

Rethinking motivation

Balanced at last

R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks returned to work today after a two week vacation in Crimea. That at least is where he claims he was; I think he was at home, having had his medications adjusted.... after feigning a Russian accent led his doctor to believe he was having a breakdown.

Comrade Carl apparently still pays no heed to the fact that our new product release has been uninstalled by key customers, and remains only partially functional for those clients who have not gone the "uninstall route". Carl believes that HR "needs to hire a service manager who can solve the so-called product issues with big data enabled by a cloud."

My Dad Pierre Eliot, used to say "there is only so much drugs can do". Dad was referring to my mother Constance who constantly popped Valium for one reason or another.

Comrade Carl came into my office in the morning hours and said that he has "rethought the motivation issue". Comrade Carl says that HR needs to put together a motivation program based on mild religious beliefs Erdogan style,  a sense of absolute truth a la Netanyahu, and "an Obama-like conviction" of "don't f--k with us".

Carl then added, "Wrap this all up in a Putin delivery mechanism, and you have the perfect motivation and engagement plan, Glo".

To my astonishment, after Carl used the term "Putin Deliver Mechanism", he started once again to drift into a Russian accent. After 2 hours of rambling, Carl blurted out- ``Yobt tvoyu mat, I`ve given up on HR.``

Who is Ed Wan

On flexibility and survival

Gym class

CEO Stan's indefatigable wife, Wifey, read a management article which said that only the flexible survive.

In my opinion as an HR thought leader, this is trite and meaningless whilst at the same time, demanding of my attention.

Wifey sent me the article along with a text, ccing her husband, "Gloria, is HR aligned with flexibility? RSVP ASAP! Wifey".

RSVP ASAP means get back to me as soon as possible, with the rsvp part being French. Mais oui!

I texted the following message to the white heterosexual boy, Hugh White (Diversity) and a certain Ms. Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement and Morale) 

"In what ways are you flexible? RSVP ASAP OYAD. Gloria."

That means get back to me as soon as possible or you are dead.

White texted me that he is tending to the needs of his wife, Comrade Ludmilla White, who just gave birth to their 4th White child in as many years. Axe texted me: "Gloria, I am crushed by conflicting priorities. This afternoon I am posing for a Big Data baby pinup. I will get back to you tomorrow."

I texted Wifey that I will answer her tomorrow. Wifey texted me that I am not "flexible enough". 

In gym class, I used to be able to bring my heal behind my ear! My Dad told me: "You are like an elastic band, for Christs sake". 

Big Data Baby

A fierce level of engagement

I just love my new Honda Insight; I can get  28 miles to a gallon!  However, I cannot even find my favourite radio station! Tabernac!

The dashboard is so complex that the car comes with a 400 page manual; I have never read anything longer than a text since my days at the Secretary Academy in Montreal. 

(The word manual is not Spanish). 

I was sitting at a traffic light when a  warning light lit up on my car dashboard. In great duress, I was looking up the meaning of warning light, when Stan texted me: "Gloria, we need to embed our products' liabilities in the internet of things. I need you to generate a fierce level of engagement NOW".

Sometimes, I want to speak "truth to power" and tell Stan to shove his slogans, but immediately I remembered that I am his HR business partner. I think the Honda dashboard had unduly distracted me .

So, starting at 3 pm tomorrow, HR will launch 3 day engagement event for all Internet of things engineering staff, in alignment Comrade Carl Marks, VP Engineering, whatever the word "alignment" means. 

Comrade Carl is at home while his medication is adjusted to cure him of his feigned Russian accent.

During the 3 day engagement event, heterosexual Hugh White (the white boy who runs Diversity) will ensure that enough food is brought in to feed an army. 

My Dad told me that people in the army get as much food as they need in reward for their service. Dad was in the RCAF. That means Royal Canadian Airforce, for my American followers. My Dad said that feeding a person well causes engagement.

During the event, Cynthia Axe will bar the exit doors, and mobile phones will be confiscated to ensure the fiercest level of engagement. Folks will work 3 days  straight until the product bugs disappear.

Engagement will be measured by Ms Axe.

Hugh White will put cheese on the cheeseburgers,and dish out tribal food as per localized demand of our engineers, few of whom speak English well.

My dashboard

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Sales and Engineering want separate cafeterias

The outbreak of hostilities between Sales and Engineering is startling and non wow. 

Comrade Carl Marks and his crew of engineers has asked HR for a separate cafeteria, which will be closed off from Sales and HR.

I asked the White Boy who heads Diversity, heterosexual Hugh White, to highlight the major differences between Engineering and other population. I need big data to cover my ass when I make decisions of a strategic nature.

Hugh White, always so pedantic, pointed out that Sales and HR speak better English, talk politely, and eat normal, non-spicy food. 

Engineering staff on the other hand eat tribal food, speak Turkish, Hebrew, 30000 Indian languages, Russian, Cantonese and Chinese. Hugh White noticed that Engineering staff often talk all at the same time.

Yet another difference is that Engineering feels a limited  sense urgency; Sales folks lie a lot, even about their sex lives. HR tends to be responsive, matter of fact and business focused.

Hugh White's wife, Comrade Ludmilla who is Russian born, suggested that our cafeteria be separated into two parts, and within a month, one cafeteria can then conquer the other and "impose its will". Hugh tends to listen to Ludmilla as of late.

I vetoed the idea of 2 cafeterias; I was highly influenced by North Korean style decision making, Gangnam style.