Saturday, 18 October 2014

Key note speaker: The Future of HR Business Partnership

My keynote address

Dear readers,

Last week I told you about our new and spiffy cost effective Leadership Academy, where all the lectures are given by our staff.

This week, I gave a the key note lecture of The future of HR business partnership.

Attendance was full. I had mentioned to Cynthia Axe that if I see one empty seat in the auditorium, it may influence her compensation road map, as it were.

When my lecture started, I was in a semi wow mood. I had just finished a call with my mother who is losing her memory. Mama asked my the same question 5 times. "Gloria, have you read Anna Caltabiano's new book The Seventh Miss Hatfield?" Then Mama added, "Gloria you should read more and text me less. Please stop using Whatsapp; just pick your phone and call me like you used to call Papa". She said that 7 times. Anyway, let's put that aside.

In the first row sat Ms Cynthia Axe and Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs Diversity). My staff applauded me like I was Kim Jong-un (one), and I did not even encourage them to do so.

In row two sat Comrade Carl Marks who leads R&D and Juliette Caesar, the b-tch whom CEO Stan hired to run Sales. 

Stan introduced me as: "our lovely and energetic HR manager Gloria, who we all know and love will give a talk today." Then Stan sat down, and perhaps closed his eyes.

I had 3 talking points, in line with my key value of brevity.

1) HR's business acumen brings to the table transactional excellence. Don't make one move without an HR business partner. (I said that in a British accent).
Wow! Did that ever go over well! Even Stan opened his eyes.

2) While not erotic in nature, HR loves people. This is the essence of the world of HR reputation management.

3) There is no HR without big data, rumours, gossip and AI. This is the new frontier. And then I read a slide with a lot of technical terms from the internet of things domain , and all the engineers were aghast, although none of them really speak English.

During the lecture, an engineer named Helmut from Germany looked at my legs, as it were. However Hugh White informed me that Helmut is gay, as it were. I love the term, "as it were".

At the the end of the lecture, Juliette Caesar raised her dainty hand and thanked me for a "wonderful informative lecture". She wore a smirk on her disingenuous face. (nice word)

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, raised his hand and said, "Yob tvoyy mat, Gloria. Why don't you fire all your staff and give all HR to IT and Legal? Get aligned with the future, kibinimat". 

Anti HR

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