This is a compensation-related text message sent to all managers today at 12.00 Boston/Ottawa time. However, there is no need to bring the details of this text to the attention of our employees, since the issues are minor and there is no need to distract anyone from achieving our wow stretch goals.
"As we all focus on achieving our stretch goals for Q1, please note:
1- The location of our new parking facilities have been adjusted to enable more axe-rcise.
2-Lunch menus have been adjusted to allow for all tribal tastes to be satisfied, and the new $2 a portion "Diversity Tax" is automatically deducted for all tribal meals, eaten or not. Bon apetit. (That's French)
3-Cynthia Axe announces a new Alumni Club for folks who have been downsized in her Early Bird Retirement Plan.
The name of the Club is "Ancien élève: Jang Song-thaek" or The Uncle Jang Alumnus Club.
All employees and axed-employees to get a membership card at $4 a card, deducted from salary/pension fund.